Hey nerds! Welcome to game week! We are less than seven days away from Minnesota Vikings football returning to our lives. Does that make you feel good, or make you feel like you just wasted the entire offseason pretending like you were going to do stuff that you never actually did? Here’s a deal; you don’t answer that and neither will I.
Anyway, the Vikings will be one of two teams to start the 2015 NFL season. The other team is the Pittsburgh Steelers, led by a rapist and a cool black man that should have been our coach over Leslie Frazier. Sometimes, life sucks. Instead, we do have an old man who has probably had his age window of entry into the Hall of Fame expire already (HAHA, HE’S OLD!!), and a cool black quarterback. Sometimes, life works out! So dichotomous.
Anyway, here are my top five reasons for why you should look forward to the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday, 7:00 PM CST.
1. You can stop pretending like you want to spend time with your family now.
Seriously, the jig is up. No one believed you over the summer months that you actually enjoyed reading your kid bedtime stories, or channel surfing through HGTV marathons with your wife, or calling your dad just to check in and see how he’s doing. Come on now. From here until February, you have plans that weren’t dictated by you, but by the NFL. You didn’t set the schedule, you just have to adhere to it! Sorry, but the game is on now, and everything takes second priority. Including your health.
2. You get to act like you supported Adrian Peterson this whole time!
Just so we’re all clear here, I am well aware which one of you assholes sat around all summer long BEGGING for Adrian Peterson to be traded, because you thought every player in the NFL should actually WANT to play for their team instead of just cash a pay check for who ever is willing to pay the most. You think Peterson is any different? And you think people don’t remember when you were taking such a moral high ground last year on child abuse, only to now cheer him as he walks back on to the practice field? Get the fuck over yourself. YOU are why people give up sports blogging.
3. One extra game for the couch GMs.
Oh boy! Thank god the Vikings get to play an extra preseason game this year. That means we get one whole extra game to evaluate talent, see how the rookies perform, and cock tease ourselves until real NFL games start. Seriously? No one wants MORE preseason games. This fucking blows. And don’t pretend like there is some big secret to evaluating talent to getting a better football team. The biggest myth in the NFL is the idea that there is some great degree of parity around the league, and that you just have to find the right guys to make the biggest impact and then things can turn around real quick. You know what? It’s not that hard. Predicting the roster every year after training camp and knowing which guys suck is all pretty obvious. One extra game isn’t going to make a difference in figuring this grade school math out.
4. Some sweet Shaun Hill action.
Can you imagine what preseason game 4 or 5 is going to be like? I don’t even know who the third QB is on our roster, so I’m just assuming we’re going to get basically 4 full games of fat Shaun Hill action. CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT.
5. Get pissed off vicariously through Mike Zimmer.
Mike Zimmer is getting paid a shit load of money to toe a company line that is as inoffensive as Rick Spielman, but deep down how much do you think he just HATES having to do this dog and pony show? A lot. That’s how much I think. And every time you see him silently grimace to yourself, you can get equally upset at having to watch another worthless preseason game. Just the best!
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