You guys should really stop doing this: Not stop winning, of course, because that’s pretty awesome, but I mean how you’re winning. Sure, it’s a great team feature to be able to roll up 27 unanswered points on an opponent in the second half, but if you guys plan on doing that every game this year, as has been the case in the first two weeks, well … I’m going to get royally pissed off here. Seriously, Childress, what’re you doing to these guys to prepare them for a game? Feeding them rufi cereal? They end up playing the first half more lackidasical than I am during foreplay with a spider monkey. Being down 10 points to Detroit, while still winning the game, is embarrassing. If that was any other team in the league, literally anyone else including the Raiders, the Vikings would have lost that game in the most deserving, Childress like fashion. But, hey, we’re still talking about Detroit here, the place where players, coaches, and cars go to die. So …at least we won, right? And we got to see Tarvaris Jackson throw a sweet pass for a first down. That’s how you know the game turned out well.
Seriously, I totally understand why Bobby Wade got booted: Percy Harvin. Two rookie games with two touchdown receptions and he continues to look like he’s going to break a kick off return at any moment. Now, is he going to go all Moss on someone and score three touchdowns in one game during his rookie year? I doubt it. But he also doesn’t need to, when you have Purple Jesus dropping the Ban Hammer on people. And Harvin looks like a man out there. I mean, if you were to meet him haphazardly in a dark alley … whoops! Prepare for sexy rape time! And he most definitely would not be gentle with you, or your silk collared shirt. The way he plowed through some Lion defenders in an attempt to squeeze out a couple of extra yards reminded me of my time playing flag football on the elementary school playground … last week. I beat the shit out of those kids, although a couple of them got a few good pops in on me. But my God, this kid is legit. Good hands, tough as Sharon Stones face, fast, and the more he does this badassery, the more he puts to doubts any injury concerns. Nice game and nice start to the season Percy, but the real accolades need to go to …
PJD’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval – Chad Greenway: Whoa, would you ever imagine that some nerdy white linebacker would ever play well enough to become a recipient of this prestigious award? Me neither! But when you intercept two passes from Quarterback Pudge and make him look like a total bitch after falsely getting his hopes up throughout the game, I would say that qualifies. But wait! Greenway also notched four total and three solo tackles as well as two passes defended. And you almost got the feeling that without those picks from Greenway, and perhaps the steady veteran presence of Silver Fox in the second half, that this would have been another 12-10 clunker for the Vikings or some other aborted chicken disaster. The defense, notably Greenway, made some back breaking, quadriplegic inducing defensive plays to cause the Lions to weep and swing momentum towards the Jekyl and Hyde team we call the Vikings. So go forth, sweet prince, and accept this glorious stamp of awesomeness upon your forehead. At least for one week. But then you can go back to liking white people stuff, like camping!
A quick spanking around the NFC North: Well, we already know that Detroit lost fantastically. But I will say this about them; Stafford can throw a hell of a rope, and that tight end they drafted this year, Pettigrew … holy shit that guy is a beast. He’s like one of those “Where the Wild Things Are” monsters just running around. He made a couple of players on the Vikings defense look like toddlers trying to tackle an elephant out there. That guy is going to be awesome. Elsewhere, the Packers came back to reality after they forgot that they actually had to show up when they play the Bengals (who knew? I mean, Who Dey!) and they ended up losing. To their credit, they did almost pull it out – like I almost pulled it out of your mom before she got pregnant with you – but a hilarious Packer-like false start penalty ended the game for them when they were close to the end zone. Good stuff. That, and their offensive line looks more like a sieve that’s been shot at close range with an explosive firearm. Five sacks for Antwan Odom? You’ve got to be kidding me, guys. They can’t be too happy about that. Finally, Jay “Cry me a river” Cuntler made good on his promise to not play like a greased up deaf guy against Pittsburgh, as the Bears beat the Steelers. Of course, Cuntler almost couldn’t play any worse, so his declaration that he’d play better is like telling your girlfriend that you’ll only cheat on her once this week instead of four times. Really, it’s not going to help your case. Currently though, your Vikings are DAVISION LEEDARS!!!!!! at an impressive 2-0 record.
Oh, Detroit …: I would love to pile more onto your misfortunes, and undoubtedly will at some point soon here, but let me just say that I hope you win a game before you play the Vikings next, preferably against the Packers or Bears, because I don’t want to have the pressure of not being the first team that loses to you in two entire years. That’s a lot to have hanging over your head. As a parting shot to both of the Vikings first two opponents, I’ll leave you with this (you should notice the Detroit jab towards the end):
Touché Cleveland, touché.
Phil Loadholt offers his insight on the win: “Phil Loadholt likes playing football. Phil Loadholt likes to look into defenders eyes and smile a little bit so that they know that Phil Loadholt likes to torture them. Sunday was good day for Phil Loadholt. Phil Loadholt had one stupid penalty that stupid referees called stupid false start on Phil Loadholt. Phil Loadholt was upset with Phil Loadholt because Phil Loadholt was looking forward to ‘accidentally’ breaking off a Lions’ finger and eating it for midgame snack. After penalty was called, Phil Loadholt look over to Silver Fox and scowl. Silver Fox wet himself and fellow rookie Harvin had eyes go big. Everyone knows what Phil Loadholt will do to people Phil Loadholt does not like. Basically, eat them. Eat them good. That big man, Pettigrew on Lion team? Fellow rookie too. He look like someone Phil Loadholt could eat for a meal and not have room for dessert. Phil Loadholt is excited for next game with Lions. Phil Loadholt will eat that man, Phil Loadholt promise you that.”
A winning Haiku for a Vikings win:
Detroit’s losing streak,
Is almost as long as my
Baby armed penis.
We’ll be back on Friday with a preview of the home opener for the Vikings, when they face off against a surprising 2-0 San Francisco 49ers team. Will the Vikings win? Will Favre throw for more than 200 yards? Will Purple Jesus get his revenge against Patrick Willis? Will there be a bunch of gay jokes made? I can promise you that yes, there will be tons of tiresome gay jokes made, but then I’ll also poke fun at Shaun Hill. Can’t wait! Enjoy the week.
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