Fuck it, bring ‘em on: I don’t know, maybe it’s the steroids I took over this week so I could look totally butch sitting around my apartment in my wife beater, or maybe it’s because I just snorted a line of red Pixie Stix sugar thinking it was coke, but I am so fucking ready to bring the hurt to the Dallas Cowboys next Sunday at noon. Hey, did the Cowboys look good? Sure. On Saturday night against the Philadelphia Eagles the Cowboys brought more wood than Visantha Shiancoe to a dong show and pretty much stymied both the Eagles offense and defense all night long. Their pass rush was swarming and dizzying, their offense was quick strike and brutal, and their inferiority complex was seen in the size of their stadium. But guess what dick heads, your hillbilly, inbred, buck toothed, third grade reading level fans aren’t cheering you on in a billion dollar bordello this week. Oh no. It’s like Pat Williams and Shiancoe have been saying all day Sunday after practice; you get to come to the shittiest of shit holes in the NFL. You get to come play in the loudest, dirtiest, sickest, blandest, most disgusting stadium with a Nazi swastika on the roof the NFL has ever seen and you will shit you pants when it is all said and done. There are no amenities in Minnesota , you butt hole bangers. It is freezing here, or tap water is shit, and the majority of our women are grossly overweight. The players are right when they say this is going to be an old school ass kicking. There will be blood on the field, probably from when it starts seeping through your pants from your axe wounds, and you’ll go back to Texas with your sins not having been forgiven after Purple Jesus ordains you with the holy fluid from his cock. It is ON assholes. I can’t wait for Sunday.
Brief Cowboys preview: I’m already sick of this shit. I listened to part of the Eagles/Dallas game on the radio and the Dallas announcers were about as pompous, selfish cock fluffers that have done absolutely nothing that you’ve ever heard. I shit you not. Here’s an example. “Well, if that wasn’t a monkey that this Cowboys team got off of their back then it was a certified King Kong!” … Are you kidding me with this shit right now? Seriously? The fact that the Cowboys haven’t won in the playoffs since 1996 isn’t a monkey on anyone’s back. It just means your teams have sucked. That’s it. And just because some quarterback that sat on the bench for three years and then took four years to win a playoff game finally did so doesn’t mean he’s the second coming of Fred Astaire. Is Tony Homo a good quarterback? Right now he is, I guess. We’ll see how he does against our pass rush, assuming he even gets to see the field since Purple Jesus will be running the ball all day long. Is that Cowboys pass rush pretty good? Yeah, it’s pretty good. And yes, the Vikings offensive line has sucked horse dick for a quarter of the year, but that only means that they already know what their weakness is as a 12-4 team and I would like to think that they are smart enough to try and address it. All sorts of crazy game planning, scheming, film watching, match up planning and other wizard shit is going to be going on this week behind closed doors. I just hope some of it is coming out of Childress’ office.
I’d be remiss not to make fun of Packer fans here: Oh sure, we like to give those smelly, fat, pimply faced virgin Packer fans a hard time around here. And how could you not? They don’t even like their own (more on that in a bit). But I would also be an idiot to not say that the Packers are a pretty damn good team. I mean, getting your salad tossed as furiously as they did to start their game yesterday is pretty embarrassing, and a team’s chances of evening making a game of it at that point are probably pretty slim. But hey, the Pack came through and made things wild. That mustachioed, probably homosexual quarterback they have, Aaron Novak? Pretty sure that’s right … He’s ok. He’s no Kurt Warner obviously, otherwise he would have won the game, but he’s alright. So far this Monday with no Vikings game flash bulb memories to keep day dreaming about, I instead keep flashing back to those moments in the Packers game. Like when Novak was jumping around like a girl scout after Neil Rackers shanked that field goal. He was just so sure he would win!! And when Novak missed a wide open Greg Jennings (who had a ridiculous fucking catch on the sidelines, by the way) in overtime that would have won the game. That was hilarious as well. How sick do you think the thought of that overthrow makes Packer fans feel? Real sick? Sick enough to kick their dog? Sick enough to give their wife a black eye? Maybe two? I say two, definitely. That’s the type of play that sticks with you for a while, like the tuck rule, or the Giant Snatch, of Dennis Green calling for a fucking knee. But none of those plays were as great as …
Mushroom Stamp of Approval – Michael Adams: … when Michael Adams DESTROYED Novak to cause the fumble, which was subsequently kicked into the air by the, dare I say “air” apparent, only to be caught by a Cardinals defender who then ran twenty or so yards into the endzone for the game winning score. Un. Fucking. Real. I don’t think I’ve lost my erection from that play yet, that’s how amazing it was. In fact, the play was so great that there are almost too many story lines to cover with that itself. For instance, Adams was the Cardinals version of Karl Paymah who had been picked on the week prior by the Pack and burned most of this playoff game. Well, payback is a biatch, Aaron-face, because not only did he swamp your ass but he also grabbed your face mask as he went down and didn’t get called for it. I am assuming that much of the Packer talk radio … or telegraph wire, or hand written letters, whatever they do … revolved around that non-call. Also, no tuck rule for Novak? Tee hee! And of course, the absurdity of a defensive play ending a game that had been an offensive explosion up until that point. Is that irony? I don’t know, but you can find it lumped under EXTREMELY SATISFYING when you define this play for Vikings fans. Enjoy the off season Packer fans. I hear the lakes have just froze over so you can go ice fish and stick your pencil dicks in the water or whatever it is you do. Don’t worry, Favre will still throw an interception to ruin our season this week, so we’ll be joining you soon enough.
Packer fans are pissed: See this guy above? I don’t actually know him. He’s a Packers fan, obviously, with some totally bitching facial hair. It probably took him like seven months to grow that and trim it just right, so don’t tread on him, man. How is he doing after yesterday’s game? Not too well I don’t think. This probably isn’t anything out of the ordinary for reactionary and passionate sports fans, but a tipster alerted us to the fact that after the game this gent started tearing into local Packer beat writer Greg Bedard for being “contrarian” and went on to use words like “discredit” and “dbag”. Sounds like he’d fit in perfect here. Why bring attention to this guy? Well, because I actually think Bedard does an alright job reporting for the Packers. He gets enthusiastic sometimes, but frequently lets cooler head’s prevail and is able to call a spade a spade, or a bad defensive performance a bad defensive performance when he sees it. I don’t quite understand what it is that fans who tear into the local sports writers want them to say after a heart breaking loss like this. That it was a moral victory? Do they want them to point out the good things that happened and gloss over the ugly fat LOSS that just occurred? I mean, hey, Mr. Facial Hair here is entitled to his opinion, and I’m sure Bedard has written some stupid shit ONCE before, I just find it hilarious after losses like this how fans will turn on each other and anyone related to the team. They’ll go from “we are having a great season” to “THEY had a terrible season”. It was a good season Packer fans, but I need to see more sad tears than just straight angry sobbing. Their a bit sweeter when they’re sad. Anyone got a good game recap article filled with priceless Packer fan comments? I would love to read it. Put it in the comments!
Dear Purple Jesus; please hold onto the ball Sunday: While we mainly just cover the Vikings at PJD and sometimes branch out to our favorite NFC North rivals as well as the rest of the NFC competition, it’s not like I just sit at home when the AFC games are on and decide to play Assassin’s Creed or anything. … Ok, so I did do that for a while, but whatever. The point here is that I did in fact watch all of the games this weekend and noticed an alarming trend of turnovers. Bad ones too. There were terrible interceptions thrown, balls fumbled, punts muffed … you name a way to lose the football and some bone head happily complied. Unreal. All of which brings us to one point here; Purple Jesus, for everything that is holy, hold on to the FUCKING football on Sunday. Please. Listen, we all know Favre is going to kill us with an interception at some point. Maybe even two. That’s kind of just a given and you should get punched in the genitals if you believe otherwise. While a Purple Jesus fumble seems just as predictable, it would be much less acceptable. See, Favre is going to throw his pick because this is the shit he’s been planning all season long. Get on the Vikings, make buddy-buddy with everyone, then ruin their season as I throw an interception. It’ll be hilarious. But Purple Jesus doing that? No way. He’s one of our own, and it stings a little bit more when he fucks up. I mean, when he purposely fucks up, because he doesn’t actually have accidents. You get my point. Regardless, I hope he was watching these games and said to himself “Holy Self, I better put four hands on the rock or I will be getting crucified, and not even Dad will save me.” And he won’t. I asked him kindly to let PJ suffer for his sins if in fact he does fumble. So watch it.
I hate a lot of these playoff commercials so damn much: Since I watched a lot of football this weekend I also saw a lot of commercials. I don’t quite get why they always have to run commercials in seasonal blocks ad nauseam until I want to gouge my eyes out, but they sure seem to enjoy it. Why not just fast forward through them on my DVR, you say? Because I’m broke and saving for a wedding you fuck, so back off. No, instead I get to hear about how Super America coffee is SO much better than one of those fancy lattes at a chain coffee store, and that you can make it your own way. Really? You got to be fucking kidding me with that shit. Convenience store coffee tastes like the dried shit on my toilet seat after I ate Chipotle and drank Surly Bender all night. Fuck you, Super America. If you didn’t have Wells Fargo ATMs I’d never go there. While we’re handing out “fuck yous” let me also give one to Dennis Leary and his dumb Ford F150 commercials. Listen, I don’t know shit about trucks, but I assume that the people who do, and the people who care, are not at all interested in your nifty navigation systems or heated seats or the guy eating and talking on his cell phone at the same time. Is this what Howie Long has been bitching about in his truck commercials forever? If so, his are still TOTALLY gay, but I hate him a bit less than canker sores now. Also, that female Steelers fan screaming through the phone for Sprint? Die in a steel mill, you bitch. Your skinny pants make you look like a dyke. And speaking of, why is Ellen Page a spokesperson? Worst idea ever. Have a commercial you hate too? Put it in the comments.
A playoff haiku for a Wild Card weekend:
With game on the line,
Favre wouldn’t fumble the ball,
He prefers the pick
Ok people, solid weekend behind us, but let’s get shit amped for this Sunday. Are you going to the game? Have a viewing party planned? What’s your playoff ritual? Expectations? Fears? Reason for tears? Let me know and we’ll feature them this week. See you Friday for the preview.
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