Play Date: Madden Updates for Your Minnesota Vikings Week Five

Welcome to “Play Date: Madden Updates for Your Minnesota Vikings.” Every week guest author Matthew will provide insight on just how badly our team sucks in video games, as well as real life. He’ll break down offense, defense, special teams, and even offer a digital prediction for this weekend’s game. Let him hear your suggestions in the comments, and read on:

If you have played Madden 12 one thing is certain, hand the ball to Purple Jesus. The Vikings are bad, we all know this but the virtual counterparts are even worst. The team has a 72 overall ranking on the game (as of week 5) and it’s almost impossible not to get raped online with them. Only shot you have is using Purple Jesus non-stop. Or close to it. So that means Berrian has to get open or McFlabb has to make a pass that’s not overthrown. In both cases, you’re f*cked. If you haven’t officially made the Packers your “only on Madden” team, then here’s some things you need to know so you’re not a victim:

Offense: Purple Jesus is the best running back in the known universe so use him a lot. No brainer. But when you are up shit creek and PJ might not be able to get it done, Jenkins and Harvin are your best options in the pass game. Even on a video game, Berrian can’t get open. But when he does (that’s when you know you’re playing a video game) he tends to drop passes. Shocker! Man I wish there was a sarcasm font. Berrian doesn’t deserve to be on the field, let alone in the NFL, but make a switch with Devin Aromashodu. McNabb’s accuracy sucks and so does the O-line. Good luck on passing.

Defense: The front four is our gold star on defense. Allen and Robison’s rating get better every week with each roster update. Try to edge rush with them every down. Kevin Williams and Remi Ayodele stop the run with ease. Of course Greenway is the best linebacker we have and EJ isn’t bad either. It’s the other guys you’ll have problems with. The secondary plays like shit in real life and they do the same on Madden. Enough said.

Special Teams: We have the best kicker in Ryan Longwell. Kluwe is Kluwe. And Harvin returns kick offs like a boss.

Conspiracy? Purple Jesus must have slept with every game developer at EA’s mother because the Vikings are the shittiest team to use on Madden. The nerds there can say “the Vikings are 0-4,” but there are 3 other teams with that same record and two of those teams have better ratings. I call horseshit, bullshit and mountain lion shit all at once. Plus it seems like 2^nd half meltdowns also come with while using the Vikings. Also Queen Rodgers has his championship belt taunt in the game but there is, and I repeat, no cattle rope. WHAT THE F*CK! Now after every sack with Jared Allen I get to watch him pump his fist like he’s from Jersey instead of roping a cute little invisible cattle. *big sigh*

Updates: Make sure to download the weekly roster updates every Thursday on Xbox Live or the Playstation Network (granted it doesn’t get hacked again) and witness the decline of the Vikes.

EA Sports ran a simulation (not that it matters) on this week’s loss and had the Vikings beating the Cards  23-20.