Playoff Beard Comparisons

It’s that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer, flowers are blossoming and playoff beards are in full bloom. With Game One of the cup finals almost upon us, it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty, the details, the things that everyone wants to know about and the questions that everyone wants answered. Questions such as; ‘How does Ryan Getzlaf look so much like Steve-O from Jackass?’ and ‘Why would anyone give you a blog if you’re going to write drivel like this?’ Without any further ado, it’s time for… NHL playoff beard comparisons!

First up is Detroit defender Matty Schneider, who went with the Billy Mays look this year. It’s furry all over, but not too long and trimmed neatly along the sides. You don’t want it to get messy, cause then you just look like a hippy. Despite getting injured during Game two of Detroit’s series against San Jose, Schneider kept the beard going. If you saw Schneider on the sidelines during the Conference Finals, you might have noticed the eerie resemblance between Schneider and everyone’s favorite screams-in-your-face-repeatedly product salesman. The only difference between the two is that Schneider is much, much calmer and coherent.

This year Chris Drury wins the award for looking the most like Luke Wilson. He has not only the beard, but the eyebrows and far away stare as well. Wilson has never been one for facial hair, but he put together the messy version of ‘the Billy Mays’ (it’s a full beard, but we don’t feel like trimming it everyday!) for his role in ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’.

Buffalo’s Danny Briere didn’t grow his beard quite like Drury or Schneider, but he still managed to pull off a rare look. It’s the elusive look Johnny Depp used for his role in ‘Once Upon a Time in Mexico.’ There’s some semblance of a beard, but they’re not really trying. Briere certainly gets bonus points for creativity and originality with this one.

Anaheim’s veteran defender Scott Niedermayer is starting to go a little grey. No worries, all he had to do was find an older demographic to market himself towards. As you can see from the photos above, Niedermayer is going for the look of home improvement guru Bob Vila. It’s the greyer version of ‘the Billy Mays’. Who says you need hair color? A little grey never hurt anyone as these two veterans prove.

Chris Pronger is obviously looking to make the hockey Gods mad by not growing a playoff beard. Maybe the problem is that he can’t grow one and is later going to blame the Canadian media for his misfortune. Either way, Pronger is going for something a little bit deeper here. He’s not trying to grow a beard to make him look like someone else; he’s actually trying to be someone else. See that smirk? That’s a Jim Carrey smirk if I’ve ever seen one.

Brian Campbell has a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell! This entry gets an ‘A’ for effort and an ‘F’ for execution. Campbell’s got the hair color down, and he’s working on the beard, but it’s tough to tell how well he pulled it all off under that helmet. We need to see the red afro! Somehow, I don’t think he’s coached by Christopher Walken, either.

I’m not really sure what John Pyper-Ferguson is famous for (certainly not being a hockey player), but cameras spotted him screaming his lungs out at a Canucks game during their series with Anaheim. I’ve listed him because he deserves special recognition for his work outside of the movie industry. He’s essentially the cleaned up, angry version of the Big Lebowski. With a little attitude adjustment and a goatee, Pyper-Ferguson would be a prime candidate for the ‘Best Likeness’ award.

Congratulations to all of you who stayed with me this far! Extra credit goes to those who have read this much and are not stoned. Last but not least we have Anaheim’s Ryan Getzlaf, who much like his teammate Chris Pronger, opted out of growing a playoff beard. It’s really quite amazing that the Ducks are even in the Finals, considering the amount of karma that they have lost thanks to Getzlaf and Pronger’s clean shaven faces (Wow that sounds way too much like Brett Hull. Sorry.). Nonetheless, it’s obvious what’s going on here. Ryan Getzlaf is actually Steve-O from ‘Jackass’. During the day Getzlaf poses as a wild, eccentric, daredevil. At night, it’s a different story as he suits up for the Anaheim Ducks.

That’s all for now, folks. We hope you enjoyed the show!