Point/Counterpoint: Experts Debate Purple Jesus’ Injury

Welcome to Purple Jesus Diaries’ Point/Counterpoint, where we interview two experts on a hotly contested topic of interest for Minnesota Vikings fans. This week, we talked with experts concerning the season ending injury to Purple Jesus. The results may surprise you …

Point … A certified doctor: “Well, the prognosis isn’t fantastic, but it’s not exactly career ending, either. The injury sustained by Purple Jesus was to his anterior cruciate ligament and medial collateral ligament, both cruciate ligaments in a human’s knee. The ACL actually originates from deep within the notch of the distal femur and has its proximal fibers fan out along the medial wall of the lateral femoral condyle. The ACL attaches in front of the intercondyloid eminence of the tibia, being blended with the anterior horn of the medial meniscus. These attachments allow it to resist anterior translation and medial rotation of the tibia, in relation to the femur. On the other hand, the MCL is a broad, flat, membranous band, situated slightly posterior on the medial side of the knee joint. It is attached proximally to the medial condyle of femur immediately below the adductor tubercle; below to the medial condyle of the tibia and medial surface of its body. It resists forces that would push the knee medially, which would otherwise produce valgus deformity, as we’ve seen in the Purple Jesus injury.

While a tear in both of these ligaments sounds terrible, success rates upon rehabilitation are actually notable. In particular, current NFL football player Wes Welker sustained a similar injury to his ACL and has since returned displaying both an ability to regain his straight line speed and ability to perform force-cuts in and out of athletic breaks in his job. Likewise, Purple Jesus has displayed an ability to regain his top performance after injuries to his clavical, and sustained sprains to his ankles in years prior. With his age, his regenerative abilities are obviously a bonus, and a proper estimate of his return to playing should conservatively be placed at nine standard months. While he may experience some initial stiffness and mental blockage when returning to the field of play, prolonged exposure should allow him to return to form, if not 100%, then certainly near 90%. With today’s modern technology advancements, specialized training and rehabilitation, and 24-hour medical support, healing from formerly devastating injuries is not unreasonable.

Prognosis for Minnesota Vikings fans? He’ll be fine. Expect a return to form in mid- to late-2012. Good luck!

Counterpoint … VIKTOR the VIKING: “OH GOD, WHY??!! Ugh … I … I think I just woke up from the worst coke binge, you guys. The whole holiday weekend was a F*CKING BLUR of stripper tits and frozen cucumbers. I drank like SEVEN BOTTLES OF NYQUIL and had some of the worst BARBRA STREISAND dreams you could ever imagine. You wouldn’t even BELIEVE them if I told … You … Some CRACKER ASS, MOUTH BREATHING QB was leading our team … PURPLE JESUS GOT A SLEDGEHAMMER TO HIS KNEE … And his career was potentially ruined. PLEASE TELL ME THAT WAS A DREAM. Do that and I’ll PROMISE to feed your gullet so full of Vicodin and champagne that you’ll FART PAIN KILLING BUBBLES all throughout New Years. … So? … It … wasn’t … a … DREAM??! F*CKING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

“F*CK ALL OF YOU I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FIND THAT BASTARD REDSKIN DISH TOWEL MASTURBATOR AND THROW HIM TO THE INJUNS TO SCALP HIS RAGGED ASS AND HANG HIS MEATY CORPSE FROM THE METRODOME RAFTERS AS A SIGN TO ALL OTHER SINNERS THAT YOU DO NOT F*CK WITH THE PURPLE JESUS YOU SON OF A BITCH, MONKEY FINGERING JACKHOLE, HOW COULD YOU RUIN HIS CAREER LIKE THIS, I SWEAR TO GOD, WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE AN ENTIRE STATE WITH TOBY GERHART THAT IS JUST CRIMINAL, YOU BALLOON CHOADS, GOD DAMMIT, HIS ENTIRE CAREER IS OVER, OVER, DO YOU HEAR ME, NOW HE IS NO BETTER THAN DAUNTE CULPEPPER AND THAT CABBAGE PATCH KID IS MORE RETARDED THAN KURT RAMBIS, FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

“Ugh … Kayla? Cheerleader Kayla? Where are you? Bring your tight abs over here and shoot some heroin into my taint. I need to kill myself. He’s never returning man, game over, game over … Just put me into a dream state and pump drug juice into my nipples. Nothing matters anymore … Oh god, why …”