Christian Ponder is happy that he was drafted on the first day of the 2011 NFL draft instead of the second for a couple reasons. First and foremost: Money. Tons of dough. Bitches love money. Second is that he was picked within the minuscule window of when the retarded NFL lockout was lifted, allowing him an amazing chance to snatch (*snatch* haha) up offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave’s fan-dangled new playbook, which no one else has seen. Pondexter is now the hottest piece of ass at the prom, and everyone wants a piece of him …
Pondexter: “Alright, just finished blasting my pecs while simultaneously speed reading through 100 pages of this business ethics books. Maybe I can finally get some time to relax now by looking over Musgrave’s playbook … where did I put that thing … oh yes, over there between by book on astrophysics and modern theology. Good thing I lifted so much this afternoon or I may not be able to pick up this book …”
*RING RING*
Pondexter: “Now who could that be?”
Pondexter: “Hello, this is Mr. Pondexter.”
Purple Jesus: “Pondexter! What’s happenin’, nerd man. It’s me, Purple Jesus! Your teammate and human savior. How are you?”
Pondexter: “Ha! Greetings teammate! How are you? I’m glad you finally called. I have been hoping to have an opportunity to talk with you and other teammates about setting up a time for us to look over this new playbook I have to learn some plays, build some chemistry, discuss Three Cups of Tea, things like that. Interested?”
Purple Jesus: “In a lot of that, no, not at all. Hey, here’s the deal. Percy is going to call you in about two minutes and ask if you want to try to get a bunch of the guys together in Florida to do … some of what you just mentioned. He’s going to bribe you with a lot of things I’m guessing you’d be interested in, things like memorabilia from the moon launch, Star Wars on BluRay before it even comes out, tons and tons of women with huge tits …”
Pondexter: “Well, he’ll be sorry to hear I’m only interested in two of those three items!”
Purple Jesus: “….. Yeah, listen, I just want to warn you not to be tempted by his offers. The truth of the matter is, we’d all much rather go over your playbook in Texas, by me, and the incentives I can offer you are … a bit better. Things like happiness, eternal life, guarantees that you won’t spend all of eternity in Percy’s household when you ‘retire’, stuff like that. It may not sound as sexy right now, but you’re young still. In time, you’ll truly understand the value of what I can offer and I hope you just consider it right now.”
Pondexter: “Well, I certainly appreciate your heads-up warning, good sir. But, as a man of science and academia, I feel it would only be honorable to listen to Percy and see what he has to say. I will take your suggestions seriously, however, and still invite you to join me in going over the playbook, wherever that may be during the lockout.”
Purple Jesus: “Idiot, I just invited you to … you know what, never mind. Thanks, and be smart about this. Percy will ruin you. Just as”
Pondexter: “Haha, my teammates are hilarious! Talk to you again soon … *CLICK* … What an interesting fellow! I am quite looking forward to handing the ball to him during live football action. … *RING RING* … Oh, sure, I bet that’s Percy now isn’t it … Hello? This is Pondexter.”
Percy: “What up, dood, wanna watch some Star Wars?”
Pondexter: “How did you know??! I’ll be right over!”
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