Pop Quiz, Knucklehead

As everyone knows, two of the pillars on which Notre Dame’s football program can always rest are the academic excellence and graduation rates achieved by its players.

What most people don’t know is, the coaching staff tests the football acumen and behavioral psychology of the team in much the same way their professors gauge academic knowledge; by means of a quiz.

This exam is updated every year and kept a closely guarded secret. Thanks to a well-placed devotee of Brawling Hibernian (who may or may not wield a mop and slop bucket as the tools of his profession) we have been provided with the first look at select questions from “Brian Kelly’s 2011 ‘Pay Attention, Knucklehead’ Player Exam.”

Here’s a sample:

Question 1: While attempting to fair catch a punt, an opposing player bobbles the ball in his hands. You should?

A. Tackle him, making sure the ball comes loose
B. Provide ample room for him to field the ball, and then make a recovery if a fumble ensues
C. Draw him into a dialogue concerning the erotic symbolism which pervades much of Hitchcock’s oeuvre. To every response he offers, respond, “Dude, you’re so gay” while engaging in exaggerated simulations of anal sex.

Question 2: During a timeout, you observe an individual on the opposing sidelines paying particular attention to Notre Dame’s huddle, while taking notes. You should:

A. Advise your coaching staff of this activity
B. Advise the referees that you believe the opposing team may be engaged in spying
C. Cover your testicles in honey, tackle the offending individual and proceed to violently tea bag him while yelling, “You taking notes on this? Start humming, dipshit!”

Question 3: You are flagged by an official for a penalty you believe is questionable. You should:

A. Accept the penalty and silently walk back to your huddle
B. Approach the official, and politely ask him to explain what you did to incur the penalty
C. Initiate a discussion with your teammates about the qualities and characteristics of this referee you find to be most offensive. Liberally use such expressions as: “ass-faced douche nozzle,” “dick-nosed shit stabber,” “Cocksucking salad tosser,” and “Bo Schembechler.” Should the referee attempt to respond, ignore him by saying to your teammates, “It’s too bad that referee died; I’d sure like to see how he would defend himself. Nope, nope, I certainly can’t imagine we’ll hear anything from him.” If the ref persists, put your index fingers in either ear while repeating, “La, la, la, la.”

Question 4: Prior to the start of an away game, a former player of the opposing team, who is now suffering from a terminal illness, is brought to midfield to be given an award. You should:

A. Silently pay homage to this individual
B. Clap respectfully at appropriate junctures
C. Attempt to intimidate your opponents by rushing onto the field and threatening to, “Straight-up murder this motherfucker” because you are “one crazy fuckin’ hombre.”

Question 5: It is the end of the season and Notre Dame is playing a nationally-televised game against a highly-ranked rival. To prepare for this game, you:

A. Spend an extra hour each day in both the weight and film rooms during the week leading up to the game
B. Engage in nightly meditation in which you imagine yourself making big play after big play
C. Consume a substantial amount of crystal meth procured from a local known only as “Boo.” At the stadium, defecate at midfield while sobbing uncontrollably and alternating between the statements, “The reptilian eyes of the mass media machine are burning a hole in my night vision” and “I just want to fuck a Pointer Sister!!!”

Answer key: Anyone answering either ‘a’ or ‘b’ for all questions garners a passing grade. Answers of ‘c’ are graded on the following scale:

1. Have you considered a Big-10 school? I hear UM has a nice “General Studies” major.
2. When I say ‘Go ‘Canes,’ does that do anything for you?
3. Let’s work on a transfer to USC. Given the lack of institutional control, ample amount of damaged Hollywood hangers-on and low- bar set by alums like Todd Marinovich and OJ Simpson, we think you’ll fit in beautifully.
4. You know, the SEC has traditionally been very accommodating to sociopaths. I mean, the University of Florida community initially accepted Ted Bundy, and Bear Bryant is considered something of an icon down there.
5. You’re wondering what style of skin mask to make out of my face right now, aren’t you?