Over the course of the summer, this series will be taking a look at some of the key storylines surrounding the Portland Trail Blazers this offseason and how they might go about navigating them as they attempt to move towards the head of the NBA class.
This week’s class:
Literature 414 – Reading Too Much Into Draft Night Moves
Even with the NBA Finals having just wrapped up less than a week ago, Steph Curry and the Golden State Warriors reign atop the league was short lived. Not because anything has changed in the record books, though. No, it’s just that everybody has already turned the page to next season, which kicks things off with a bang with the 2015 NBA Draft being less than 48 hours away.
The NBA Draft is easily one of my favorite annual sporting events, and frankly, it’s not really that close. While the sport of basketball is all about physical prowess, the sport of the NBA is about the chess match behind closed doors that forms these championship teams.
And, just like the first move in a game of chess, what moves each NBA team makes (or doesn’t make) on draft night will say a lot about their overall mindset and upcoming strategy.
That’s the theory at least. Really, it’s all just a reason to overanalyze minutia and wildly speculate based on that over-analysis. You know, typical sportswriter things.
But, even if it’s a somewhat ridiculous premise, we can’t let everyone else have all the fun. So, let’s hunker down and make some semi-educated (to put it kindly) guesses as to what some of the Blazers potential draft night moves might tell us about the team’s current state and future plans.
Trade The #23 Pick for a Proven Vet
Neil Olshey thinks he has the core of his championship team in place and has finally convinced Paul Allen to open up his substantial wallet to go “all in.” They’re going to pay whatever it takes to retain the core in free agency by showing them that the time is now and they are going to use every last asset they can muster to fill the roster with the type of veteran players that it takes to win championships. You know, a Kirk Hinrich type.
Trade the #23 Pick for an Overrated Sack of Peanuts
LaMarcus Aldridge, Wesley Matthews and Robin Lopez have privately let the team know that they’re not sold on the Blazers’ championship aspirations and are almost assuredly signing elsewhere when free agency opens up on July 1st. Neil Olshey is simply trying to make one last ditch effort to convince them to re-up with the team (and save his job in the process). But really, he is just torpedoing any hope the team has at being decent in the next 5 years by trading away a chance at cheap young talent for an overrated has-been who would have been a decent pickup maybe 4 years ago, but, now stands a better chance of showing up in the box score as “DNP – Old” than giving you productive minutes in a meaningful game. You know, a Kirk Hinrich type.
Draft an Obscure European Player Who Likely Will Never Play in the NBA
Neil Olshey, like, totally spaced on this whole draft thing. Once the season ended, he took his family on a nice long, relaxing vacation, then spent most of the past couple weeks getting caught up on Game of Thrones. And, after that shocking season finale he’s been “just kind of out of it.” On draft night, he woke up around 8:45PM (after pulling an all-nighter writing his Jon Snow fan-fiction) to 37 missed calls from Paul Allen’s cell phone and a whole gang of text messages from people asking where the hell he was. By the time he finally got ahold of someone in the Blazers war room, they were already on the clock. After being discouraged from “passing” on their pick (to “buy some more time”), he tells Assistant GM Bill Branch to “just draft that one foreign dude.”
Don’t Draft a Power Forward
The Blazers are absolutely confident that LaMarcus Aldridge is re-signing with the team this summer. If they thought there was even the slightest chance he’d leave, they’d for sure draft a power forward. That’s just smart, safe strategy. Frankly, they’d be dumb not to. Right?
Draft a Power Forward
LaMarcus is leaving! LaMarcus is leaving! Man your battle stations! Sound the tower bells! The world is ending! Panic! Panic! PANIC!!!
Use Nic Batum to Trade Up in the Draft
The team is preparing to pivot their roster around Damian Lillard instead of LaMarcus Aldridge. Obviously they’ll still push hard to bring back the 4-time All Star, but, that’s just icing on the cake as management shifts focus towards building a roster that will peak alongside the 24 year old Lillard, rather than the 29 year old Aldridge. In light of this, LaMarcus hires famed elder lawyer Jimmy McGill to see what his options are regarding an ageism lawsuit.
Use CJ McCollum to Trade Up in the Draft
The team is doubling down on LaMarcus Aldridge. Literally. They use the package of McCollum and the #23 pick to trade up and snag a sweet shooting 6-11 Texas Longhorn power forward. This time, his name is Myles Turner. Although, there are rumblings that Turner’s agent has agreed to have his client legally change his name to LaMarcus Aldridge. Because, as Wesley Matthews once said: The only thing better than having LaMarcus Aldridge in the post, is having TWO LaMarcus Aldridges in the post.
Use Meyers Leonard to Trade Up in the Draft
Ever since November of last season, Blazer Head Coach Terry Stotts has been crazy jealous of Meyers Leonard’s ability to grow a fantastic mustache. Mustaches are a sore spot for the coach, as he’s always blamed his inability to grow a proper ‘stache as the one thing keeping his alter-ego, Terry “Slick” Stotts, from “taking it to the next level.” While he’s never spoke of it publically, it has privately enraged the coach for months. In fact, this intense jealousy is what led to Leonard’s increased minutes over final weeks of last season. Stotts was attempting to get Meyers enough trade value to finally convince Olshey to send the young 7-footer out in a draft day deal. Mission Accomplished.
Trade Back in the Draft for More Picks
A big trade is in the works to bring in a 3rd superstar to team with LaMarcus Aldridge and Damian Lillard, and the team needs to get more cheap young talent to fill out the roster. That’s right, the Blazers are angling to trade Nic Batum, CJ McCollum, Meyers Leonard, Chris Kaman and 2 future 1st round picks to the New York Knicks for Carmelo Anthony. After the initial shock of the trade wears off, you talk yourself into how this could be the kind of move that the team really needed to take it to the next level. By the end of November you’ve told at least four friends “I just need to take a break from watching basketball for a while.”
Trade Damian Lillard for the #2 Pick
While Lillard has clearly embraced Rip City as his second home, nothing will ever replace Oakland in his heart. Quietly, the increasingly homesick Lillard has demanded a trade to “one of his hometown teams,” a statement that confounds the Blazer brass as there is only one team in the Bay Area. You see, while hard work and a never-say-die attitude have been paramount to his awe-inspiring success on and off the court, there is but one exception to Lillard’s expansive talents: geography. Maps just aren’t his thing.
So, despite weeks of pleading from his management team and the Blazers front office, the hard-headed superstar finally gets his way and is shipped off to the Los Angeles Lakers, for the #2 overall pick. Of course, it only takes a couple days for him to realize that Los Angeles is not San Francisco. “Dammit, I always get those two confused,” an embarrassed Lillard mutters to himself as he realizes that he’s just doomed himself to spending his foreseeable future playing for a pathetic and moribund franchise in the desolate hellscape known as Los Angeles.
Study your maps children.
Trade the #23 pick for LeBron
Neil Olshey has decided to take “going green” to a whole new level. He now rides his bike to and from work, and he has completely given up consumer goods, including cell phones and computers. In fact, he now insists on having all his trade talks and free agent meetings in person in his backyard shed turned “chill shack.” Most Blazer staffers roll their eyes when talking about Olshey’s newfound hippie ways, insinuating that his sudden “mustache twirling” hobby is now getting in the way of his job. That is, until he emerges minutes before the draft with news that he just got out of a three day meeting with Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert and their superstar LeBron James. They have agreed to a trade that will send James to the Blazers in exchange for the Blazers 1st round pick. Straight up.
“We had an absolutely amazing conversation about the wonders of numerology and how the planets are currently in such a transformative position in our solar system. We really got into how the number 23 is so important in so many different cultures, it just started to click for them. #23 pick. LeBron wears #23. Dan Gilbert has made exactly 23 distinct terrible moves as owner of Cavs. It just seemed right that we swapped 23s in hopes of balancing out our lives and finding true inner peace.”
Noted cap guru Paul Allen is stunned by this revelation, but, also a bit skeptical as he goes on to detail to his suddenly-crunchy GM why that trade isn’t even close to working under the salary cap. “Don’t worry, man,” Olshey Lebowskis, “I got Adam Silver stopping by tomorrow night. We’re going on a vision quest with Phil Jackson to learn how money isn’t real and serves no real purpose in life…. We’ll get it worked out.”
The Blazers never lose again.
And that, boys and girls, is why you pay attention to draft night. Because you never know what will happen. Enjoy draft night, everyone!
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