Tonight is the annual State of the Bruins address at the Garden for season ticket holders. It’s a great opportunity for fans to ask throughtful, well articulated questions. So, of course fans are going to blow it like John Wilkes Booth.
It happens every year at this thing. It’s tradition.
Seriously. Two years back someone asked Milan Lucic what his favorite cereal was. We hoped whoever went with said person put a Chara-sized shoe up their buddy’s ass.
Anyways, here are some highlights we expect to happen tonight:
* Q: How did it feel to win the Cup
A: It sucked. Winning three game sevens, beating your rival, sweeping the team that embarassed you last year and then buttfucking a crybaby pasta chef sucks.
* Q: Will <insert player> marry me?
A: No. ‘Cause you’re ugly and just wasted everyone’s time with a shitty question.
* Q: Why is Tim Thomas so awesome?
(In seriousness. The above question would be a good one to ask. I want to see what boring, cliche “focus” and “compete level” answer the Bruins brass spew out. Though we’d love to see Neely just say “‘Cause he’s Tim Fucking Thomas.”)
* Q: Will Marc Savard play this season?
A: *Cam Neely jumps into the stands and starts pummeling them, then sits down, fixes his tie* No.
* Q: Peter, in NHL 11 I was able to Sidney Crosby and 1st round draft pick for Marc Savard; why haven’t you made that trade yet?
A: *See above. Replace Cam Neely for Peter Chiarelli*
* Someone will troll Jacobs. Not sure how. Maybe it’ll be Greg. But someone will troll Jacobs for being a miser. They should troll him for trolling Neely at the Duckboat Parade.
* Q: Chara, what’s your favorite movie? *face palm*
* Player deaths. This actually might be too thoughtful of a Q for such an event, but someone might ask the Bruins brass or players about their thoughts on hockey violence and player deaths. It’s obviously a lot more complicated than that. Again, too thoughtful of a Q for this event.
* Someone will troll Luongo. We’re putting the odds at 5:1 that someone ask Thomas to pump Luongo’s tires now that the Cup run is over.
* Q: Will the concession stands be getting new food? This was actually asked last year. Hope her season tickets were revoked for wasting everyone’s time.
* Q: Where’s Jack? Sadly, only Bricks will be there tonight, moderating the forum. Maybe he’ll come out to WWE intro music. We’re thinking Nature Boy Ric Flair style, screaming “Woo!” as he walks out. Make it happen TD Garden.
* Q: Why haven’t you signed Brad Marchand? SIGN FUCKING BRAD MARCHAND! To which PC gets super uncomfy and spews out “we’re in talks every day” type of comment.
* Q: Will Mark Recchi come back this season? *double face palm*
* Q: Benoit Pouliot? Srsly?
* Q: Why did you pussy out when Tampa Bay’s retirement home asked you to take down the signs making fun of them and to get off their lawn? This Q won’t happen. It should.
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