Because he may rape you, you see: Ok, everyone, let’s back up here. The Vikings, through some odd twist of fate that you can’t help but feel will eventually come back to its karmic center and punch you on the tip of your penis, are sitting pretty at 6-0 right now, having beaten some of the leagues worst teams (LIKE THE PACKERS!LOL!) and some of the leagues better teams. Yet through defensive melt downs, star running back rollercoaster production, injuries and coaching foibles, no one really knows where this team stands. ENTER STEELY MCBEAM and his formidable squad of rapers and Easteln leceivels! The Vikings head to Pittsburgh this weekend to face Benetration, Hines Wald, and some guys on defense! They also find themselves with an opportunity to gaze longingly at their could-have-been head coach Mike Tomlin on the opposing sidelines. This game is balls deep in storylines between these two teams, enough to keep you riveted, or at least erect until you premature splooge, but that’s a different story. Either way, we’re looking at Tomlin v. Childress, Purple Jesus v. Polamalu, Benetration rape jokes, Steely McBeam jokes, Tyrone Carter playing against the Vikings, a Vikings pass defense getting mutilated and embarrassed as well as many, many other things that we can cover here. So get your excited pants on, because we’re previewing a meaningful, potentially awesome game finally! But probably not. The game I mean, not this awesome preview. … Just read it, please.
Special thanks to a rube called K I L L E R C H E F over at Rube Chat for another game day graphic!
Pittsburgh – what can you say? As much as I would like to make fun of Pittsburgh and call them a dirty, smelly town full of gay steel mill workers (Which I most certainly will do later), it’s really hard to say “YOUR TEAM FUCKING SUCKS” without being a complete dumbass. It’s hard to argue against the team’s six championship trophies, their consistent winning history, their Omar Epps looking head coach … As a Viking fan, I am slightly jealous of these things. What I am not jealous of though is my team being the equivalent New England Patriots before the Patriots were the Patriots. The Steel Curtain bullshit, the “Sixburgh” lameness, the abrasive and over the top obnoxiousness that Steeler fans exude is enough to make you want to punch a pregnant woman’s stomach repeatedly in Pittsburgh. Even Boston fans are appalled at Pittsburgh fans, although that’s only because they’re stealing Boston’s limelight. Clearly, it’s obnoxious, but, as stated, I’ve done what I could to acknowledge the great things about the Steeler organization, and I would hope that they would reciprocate the favor to the Viking organization and their fans, although I do not anticipate such kindness because they have this guy rooting for them …
Holy shit, look at their mascot: What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with you people? I could not find a gayer mascot if I discriminately walked through a gay pride parade in San Francisco in the Year of the Cock with a lavender scarf on. Is this a mascot for the kids of Steel Town? Are you trying to encourage them all to be men’s shoe salesmen? Does your city breast feed milk to your children? And by “breast” I mean “cock”, and by “milk” I mean “semen” and by “children” I mean “gremlins”. I’m sure that me, and everyone else in the entire universe, thinks about this scene when we think about the Steelers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icIwKaci3MI
And really, this was just an excuse for me to drop in a Simpson’s reference. God I love that scene. “The Steel Mill” is a story all its own. What a great idea. Now, gay or not, I don’t really care. I mean, who hasn’t experimented with a little cock and balls once in a while, amirtire?? …. But seriously, it’s hard to complain when my own team’s mascot looks like a brain dead Swede. Viktor the Viking? Sweet Jesus that’s embarrassing too. I’ve tried to make him likeable by pretending he’s a coked out ‘roided rapist, but that brings little solace. I’ll just leave the rape jokes for …
Your obligatory rape joke: Benetration! I also think the internet has reference to Ben Rapethlesberger or something like that too. Either way, it’s good enough for me to run with. Truth be told, I haven’t followed this story much beyond when it was first reported and ESPN tried to avoid mentioning it, but the bits and pieces I’ve picked up seem like this alleged forceful entry was a real hoot. Ben asked her to have sex with him I guess? That’s how you do it? You have to ask and they just say “yes” or at least after asking you can just stick it anyway? Who knows, it apparently worked, as this lady seems fairly convinced that she had Benetration pee-pee inside her who-ha at one point. I just find this whole “he raped her!!” allegation a bit too hard to accept. Really? Ben? He’s dumber than a moose knuckle. The only people he’s raped have been Arizona fans, who I don’t imagine really are fans at all. So it was probably more like a quick dry hump. Mmmmm…
Guess who’s going to ruin this game? Well, this should be obvious after the anal leakage that was left all over the field in the fourth quarter against the Ravens. Let’s just say this. I will be very surprised if the Vikings pass defense comes out and holds Benetration under 300 yards. In fact, if you were a betting person, you should bet your children on this over/under. With Winfield still looking doubtful to play at the end of the week, and his replacement most likely being Karl Paymah who got Tebowed all over the field against the Ravens, shit is going to get real ugly. Can the pass rush get to Benetration? Will the safeties not play like drunken sailors all day long? Can this defense do anything besides stop the run? We’ll find out, but this game is pepaw-casted as looking beautiful and sunny, ripe for playing a little pass and catch between quarterback and receiver. Old Silver Fox better warm his arm up early because the Vikes D is going to get abused more than a stripper with braces.
PJD’s Game Preview Mail Dump: We’ve had a couple of questions roll in this week that are mostly football related. Unfortunately, there are no sexy men or women pictures that were sent so I regret to inform the readers that I cannot share anything with you in that regard. What are you people thinking? Everyone wants to see everyone’s bits and pieces! Also, embarrassing stories are always enjoyable to read when told anonymously, whatever they may be. But on to the questions.
Read and Twitterer (dumb word to use acknowledgement) Robowill25 writes:
“Is AP going to make Troy Polamalu look like a fool in the game?”
I assume by “AP” you mean “PJ”? I would guess he won’t. First, I don’t even know if Polamalu will be playing he will be playing. Now, even if he does play, I would be surprised if the Steelers front seven doesn’t make the Vikes offensive line look like two bit tramps and not open up many holes for PJ to run through. If that’s the case, the PJ/Polamalu match up may seldom be seen. When it does happen though, yes, Polamalu will most likely look like a transvestite getting ban hammered by PJ, because that’s just the type of work he does. Next question!
Reader Mmhmm left a question in the week’s comments:
“PJD, i would love to know how you feel about tom brady, preferably in the verbal rapage style you have used so artistically in previous blogs when speaking about decrepit players or teams. (and this is assuming you hate the bastard as much as i do)”
Welp, I’m busted. Truth be told, I’ve got a vicious and irrational man boner for Tawmmy Brady, even though I hate absolutely everything about Boston. It’s bizarre. I still enjoy Randy Moss a whole lot, even though he’s a Patriot too. Part of it is that Brady isn’t a great character by any means. He just fucks super models and wins Super Bowls. Holy shit, if he was on my team I would swoon every time he threw the ball! Truthfully, it’s embarrassing. I should probably be gutted for this. But this knowledge of how backwards it all is most certainly punishment enough. It’s like a Nazi marrying a Jewish princess who cries every time he sexes her sweet, sweet body. Masochism would be the most appropriate term, I suppose. But for the record, I still hope Boston and everything Boston related burns in a barn fire, and if those flames take Brady with it, so be it.
Feel free to tear me a newer asshole in the comments for this as well. I have no defense for it.
No way are these females from Pittsburgh: Seriously. There is the fat girl from Pittsburgh that is floating around the internet that you know is a more appropriate representation. You know that these girls just got paid to put on a Steeler uniform and prance around for their boy friends who were simultaneously masturbating to a Youtube video somewhere of Steel McBeam screaming “TOUCHDOOOOWWWWN!” Poor girls. I bet they’re all rocket scientists too, since Pittsburgh is becoming renown as a haven for scientific research. It’s true! I Wikipedia’d it! HOW YOU LIKE THAT RESEARCH! I’m done here.
What’ll really happen? Oof. This is a tough game to get a bead on. The game is being played in Pittsburgh which has a notoriously shitty football field, aka, home field advantage. Will this affect the receiver’s cuts? Purple Jesus’ footing? Will Favre twist a knee in the grass and we’ll see TarVar? Lot’s of bad things could happen here. Both defenses have looked shaky and both teams appear to play down to their level of competition. This includes the Lions, whom the Steelers barely beat in Detroit. I suppose if you want to play the Steelers that this would be a decent time to play them as well. Polamalu may be out, their offensive line has been shaky (I may have made that up) and the teams seem evenly matched. Except, of course, in the defensive backfield. With Winfield out, this game probably won’t be close. I kind of have the feeling that it’s going to be a Giants v. Saints match up from last week where the home team is going to drop a bukkake all over the visitors face masks. And I guess really I don’t care. A loss to an AFC team isn’t a heartbreaker at this point in the season, and if the Vikings win in Green Bay the week after they still go into the bye week at 7-1 and have a good chance to get healthy during the break to make a solid run in the second half of the season. I’ll take that, easily. So today, unfortunately, I call a 30-23 Steelers win.
Enjoy the game everyone. Leave your reactions, hate mail, and other items in the comments! See you for a review on Monday.
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