Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game Three Preview: Will Keith Brookings Cry Again?

The Vikings Are Coming Home:
It’s true! Let’s stock up on solid rations, primp our women’s hair and cleanse our spoiled children’s mouths, the Vikings are returning home after their months of traveling the country, looking for wins, scandal, straw huts, and an offense that actually “kicks ass!” Will they return to our humble home with any of these riches? Will they return to their fiefdom boasting an array of wonder never before seen in these here lands? … Likely not, but hey, it has to be better than the last time the Vikings played in the Metrodome which ended with the death of an aging quarterback and the final appearance of TarVar in the Metrodome as the Vikings surprisingly beat the Buffalo Bills 38-14. Yeah, I totally forgot about that game too as being the last one in the Metrodome before it got shit on with snow and the entire season collapsed, appropriately. Either way, that was back on December 5 of 2010 and, now almost exactly 9 months later, the Vikings take the field again under a thinner dome, newer turf, against a hated team in the Cowboys.

Boy, who is excited to get back to football in Minnesota there, huh? You know what, I am. I love the Dome. It has something called CHARACTER, and personality, which is found almost nowhere in the NFL at all – players, stadiums, coaches and otherwise – and I could give a shit if people don’t like it. And let it be known I am rather displeased with a certain under-performing player who thinks our crap dome is the worst in the league. I don’t care if your millionaire sensibilities are hurt by a bad stadium, play in it anyway and shut your trap. You should be THANKFUL, EVERY DAY, that morons out there pay your salary to play in such a crappy facility. I mean, other morons, not me. Ha, ha … I stopped supporting this team AGES ago!

Things I Hate About the Cowboys: So, yeah, the Vikings are playing the Cowboys. The last time that happened in the Metrodome was when the team of overpaid athletes I was just complaining about curb stomped the yokels from Dallas in just the meanest way possible and made us all forget about their salaries. Or … maybe they played a preseason game in the Dome last year, but that hardly counts. Or wait … they played a regular season game there last year too which we won, but both of our teams sucked last year, so that one hardly counts either. And with the way things are looking THIS year, I’m guessing this one also won’t count. That doesn’t mean I can’t mention how boring and stupid the Cowboys are though. They’re essentially a prefabricated house sold to returning World War II vets, only modernized for the 2010’s, forgetting such key elements as “debt”, “over-consumption” and “why the hell do I need an HD TV the size of a 747?” The truth of the matter is, even if Zygi built a dumb ass stadium like that in Minnesota and gave me the option of buying tickets for only $25, I still wouldn’t go. I can’t masturbate while watching the team in public like I can at home, so until you find a way for me to do that in your stadium, I have no reason to attend a live action football game.

Also, I don’t even know if Keith Brookings is still on that team, but he’s still a bitch. And Tony Romo is stupid. He throws the ball like a frightened white guy in a bad neighborhood. Have you ever seen his go-to throw-the-football-face? It’s embarrassing. And the Cowboys uniform colors don’t match, anywhere, ever. You may have money, you filthy oil barons, but you’ll never have CLASS. *clinks glasses with Rich Raven*

Players to Watch: It’s still a preseason game so that means we have to kind of pay attention to back-up players and trick ourselves into thinking they may mean anything down the road. With that in mind, also remind yourself that this is the always coveted THIRD preseason game where the starters end up playing the most before the regular season. OOOOO! WILL THE OFFENSE FINALLY SCORE A TOUCHDOWN??? Likely not, but even so, I’m excited to see them get some extended action. Here is what else I’m keeping my eyes on for the game:

Joe Webb v. Pondexter: Webb was named the number two quarterback behind McDonovan this week by Big Leslie, and you wonder just how telling this is. Being that it is the third preseason game where rosters often most resemble the opening day rosters, does this mean our #12 draft pick is a third string quarterback? Does that suck a whole lot to know that? Or is it expected since Webb has had pro experience and Pondexter hasn’t? But then why does Andy Dalton look so good at quarterback for the Bengals and Cam Newton gets the start and Pondexter is a third stringer? Did we make a terrible draft pick, again? It’ll be interesting to see how these two play this weekend to get another opportunity to gauge where they are both at in their progress.

Marcus Sherels: I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation, but people seem to think after last weekend’s performance that Marcus Sherels is the next Antoine Winfield for the Vikings. I can’t quite express just how stupid of a belief I feel that is, and while I wish the kid well, I also hate everything that has to do with the Gophers, so I both wouldn’t mind and don’t want him to succeed. It’s pretty shallow of me, yes. Regardless, now that everyone has been pimping him as the next big thing, and because I generally hate everyone elses opinion, I’m going to keep an eye on him LIKE A GOD DAMN HAWK to see what he does this week. And then maybe revise the judgement I’ve already made about him, if I’m nice.

Receivers: I don’t know how, but apparently Devin Aromashadu has been able to make a name for himself so far this preseason. I really only remember him having one nice catch in a game, so he must be just a stud in practice. Likewise, I was surprised to not see much from Jaymar last weekend, after he had what I thought was a strong outing in week one. It will also be interesting to see what the training camp bodies can do in this third week; will Arceneaux show he deserves his contract and not fumble a touchdown out of the back of the endzone again? Will Iglesias shake his hips and get on the roster due to pure sexiness? Do we have other receivers on the team? I can’t wait to find out!

Caleb King: The supplemental draft occurred on Monday for the NFL and the only noteworthy item was Terrell Pryor going to the Raiders, which, whatever. It’s a supplemental draft because these players suck, so don’t get too excited, EXCEPT FOR THE PLAYER THE VIKINGS SIGNED WHO WENT UNDRAFTED EVEN IN THE SUPPLEMENTAL DRAFT, YEAH!! This guy, Caleb King, a running back from Georgia, does have some good highlights to him, but whatever. Anyone can make a solid highlight reel. Others seem to think he may be able to legitimately challenge Toby or Booker for a roster spot, but I have my doubts. Regardless, I’m expecting this guy to get some burn this weekend, so we’ll see how that goes.

Anthony Herrera: Herrera is scheduled to make his season appearance this weekend as well, finally giving fans a better chance to see what the offensive line may potentially look like this season. Clearly, he won’t be in mid-season form or anything as he’s just coming off of injury and hasn’t been through camp yet, but it will be interesting to see how he responds thus far. I mean, even a 30% Herrera has to be better than a 110% Ryan Cook, right?

Not a Single F Was Given:
I don’t feel there’s been enough hatred running through this blog recently, so we’re going to try to spice things up with a section here or in other unnecessarily long posts called “Not a Single F Was Given” where we talk about something that just f*cking sucks. Today, it’s the god damn Minnesota State Fair.

Little known fact; I’ve never been to the State Fair. OK, I went once to see Gnarls Barkley, but I didn’t stop at the fatty stands or people watch or whatever normal heifers do when waltzing through that place. For people that always go and love this shit hole of America, you may be inclined to say “But how can you judge the fair then if you’ve never been?!” Easy, all I need to do is drive down Snelling, see the mass of ugly humanity that wad
dles by pushing their way into their trough stands and know all I need to know. Here’s the deal. The Minnesota State Fair is not as amazing as you people seem to think. All it is, is an excuse for a state of people who are already over-weight and ugly to stuff their pie holes with even more fattening foods. The Fair just makes it socially acceptable. And if you’ve ever been to any fair anywhere you know everything else there is to do there besides eat Chicken Fried Bacon on a Chicken Fried Chicken Bone Stick Dipped in Lard and Served on a Soft Bed of Anus. And you get upset when people call Minnesotans fat? Jesus. Here’s an idea; instead of thinking the best culinary experience of your life was at the State Fair, why not try to go to some place like the 112 Eatery, La Belle Vie, Haute Dish or even Al’s Breakfast or Maria’s Cafe for some genuine good eats? Don’t give me your shit about food on a stick. I’m not a savage, OK? I can use silverware and eat like a human being. I have access to the internet, you know? It’s not the Middle Ages anymore.

And for all you farmers coming in to look at tractors and eat luscious deep fried Oreos, enjoy the cluster flock that is Snelling Avenue and University right now. Smart move by the state to not have construction wrapped up at that intersection during the Fair. “How else urr we gunna get there, Pa?!” Suckers. People are morons.

Meme of the Week: People seem to really enjoy the iPhone, auto-correct text messaging accidents that so often occur, and while this doesn’t turn out to be an accident or anything, it is in that same vein and still pretty funny. I imagine something like this going on between Governor Dayton and Zygi Wilf. “Hey Zygi, remember that proposal we had talked about of putting a new Vikings stadium at Arden Hills?” “Yeah?!” “I just sold the land to BlueCross to build another office building, lol!” “YOU SON OF A BITCH!” What will that crazy Governor do next??

Supplemental Scotch Item of the Week: I recently came into possession of scotch rocks, or whatever their official name is, where you freeze these stones and then put them in your drink to keep them cool. They are said to work particularly well if you’re drinking a boss beverage like scotch or something else on the rocks, not if you’re trying to make a cocktail and need a shit load of ice. So I tried it out this week with a small tumbler of Balvenie 12 Year, and it worked … moderately. The rock was cold as Jenna Jameson’s vagina, but it didn’t deep freeze the scotch as much as I would have liked. Maybe it was for the best. A room temperature scotch or one just below, seems to allow for more flavor to escape, but there is also something just fetching about a cold drink like that. Maybe next time I’ll put the glass in the freezer too, but likely forget it is there, and then it will shatter from being too cold. Clearly, I am a genius.

Boosting My Page Views with Tits and Tits: Dual duty, let’s go:

For the Females: I spent more time than I felt comfortable trying to search for shirtless pictures of a Dallas Cowboy member, so be happy with this grainy picture of Jason Witten in Cabo, or wherever it is. I figured Witten was probably a higher preference than a picture of Tony Romo looking like a douche, but if not, someone will have to tell me. Romo looks too much like a dough-boy, right? He’s not that attractive? Whatever.

For the Dudes: Olivia Wilde has been making splashes recently, it seems, with her work in the Tron2.0 movie and Cowboys and Aliens. But wasn’t she in Troy like … 15 years ago? How old was she then? 12? Because she can’t be anymore than early 30’s now, right? She still looks really young, which of course makes her PERFECT for you sickos out there. Hurray!

Probably Wrong Predictions: I was surprisingly correct in my guess for last week, not so much on the score, but the win. This was a nice change of pace, mroe so simply because the Vikings didn’t let us down with crappy play and a loss to the Seahawks. This week, I guess I don’t really care. I sure would like to see the Vikings win, as it would seem to imply with this group of starters maybe we can rattle off a run during the regular season or something, but I won’t be holding my breath. I don’t know much about the Cowboys as a team this year, besides Romo looks maybe decent again, Dez Bryant is being frustrating (so glad I drafted him in another league …) and that four-chin Rob Ryan is coaching the defense. He could maybe make them good, I don’t know. Chances are though that the Dallas defensive starters will test some wrinkles in their playbook, confuse our retarded offense, and shut us down. We’ll maybe score a garbage offensive touchdown like last week and a handful of field goals, but that’s about all I’m expecting. Vikings lose in their return to the Metrodome, 20-13? Sure, why not.

Don’t forget, the PJD Fantasy League has our 14-team draft on Sunday night at 9PM. If you were selected and haven’t signed up for the league yet, better do so. I’m not going to babysit your ass and find you on a Saturday. No sign up and I just cut your team LIKE A BAD ASS. Otherwise, keep the Tweets going during the game as we’ll do “Tweets O’ the Game” next week, and likely live tweet during the game itself, so follow us too. Enjoy!

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