Purple Jesus Diaries’ 2009 NFL Draft-or-Bust Off!

This weekend is the annual blue balling of NFL fans during the offseason, also known as the NFL Draft. It is a wonderful spectacle of unwarranted attention to young men who have done literally zero in their chosen profession, and also a day for celebration (except for Jets fans) among fans who can fantasize during sex what their newly acquired player will look like running around in their teams jersey colors. Most likely getting injured. Anyway, as our final post before the draft we at PJD will be looking at some of the top players that have been projected to be selected by the purple queens this year. We will provide some positives and some negatives about the highly discussed players in anticipation for this weekend, and be back next week most likely fabricating outrageous “Getting to Know …” type stories about whichever undeserving pompous ass gets drafted. So now, on to the 2009 NFL Draft-or-Bust Off! PS: I know as much about these prospects as most readers do about consensual sex, so don’t put too much stock in this …

Percy Harvin, WR, University of Florida: There sure seems to be a lot of chatter about this young feller. From what we’ve heard from out TOTALLY SECRET INSIDE SOURCES!!!! is that he has some “character concerns”. My question is, what the fuck does that mean? Did he not walk uphill both ways to school to build character? Does he dislike popular sitcom stereotypes and is always advocating for unseemly characters? Did he stab someone in the throat with a scissors? You see, it’s a little ambiguous, so until I hear something specific out of Florida where he seriously messed someone up, then who cares. Randy Moss had character concerns. He’s a terrible WR isn’t he. Albert Haynesworth had character concerns. Now he’s the $100 Million Dollar Man. What a terrible life to live. How about this: the kid can apparently play that football game real well. Florida wouldn’t have won a National Championship without Harvin and Angel Wings Tebow (most said simply without Harvin), so there might be something to this kid. On the negative size, he might be ugly, and he is a Florida Gator. I’ve had enough of them, thank you Corey Brewer. Regardless, Harvin is considered to be the most likely person to be picked at #22 by the Vikings, and also most likely to be under utilized by our “brilliant” coaching staff. Exciting!

Eben Britton, OT, Arizona: This guy apparently plays Offensive Tackle for the most dominating NCAA team EVAH!!! Of course, that’s not true at all, and I’m assuming that some fatty who thought he was unmovable went to the first school that offered him and ended up playing in Arizona. I don’t know. Regardless, Britton is being considered by many as a solid pick for the Vikings at 22 because there is really no one else. It’s being projected that all of the real good tackles will be taken before pick 22, so the Vikings will be left to slobber the knob of some castoff. Is he good? I don’t know. Who the hell ever watched Arizona football? Ending up with Britton would be like ending up with a fat chick at the bar you go to after you tell all your other friends that you were actually going to go home and go to bed. You’ll settle, but you’ll close your eyes and think about what could have been. Picking Britton screams “need” pick, and that seems like such a Kevin McHale thing to do in the first round. If a guy like Harvin, or let’s say even Jeremy Maclin or someone else that is would make fans cream their panties, you would obviously have to take them over some wide load of a tackle. Britton isn’t a sexy pick (he needs more coaching, but he is versatile), but he may be the safest pick.

Vontae Davie, CB, Illinois: With fan favorite Antoine Winfield getting past that dreaded age of 30, it seems as if the Vikings brass is already fretting and wringing their hands over what to do. As of now, their dumb asses have left us with Cedric Griffin, Karl “Romany Malco” Paymah, and some other douchers who are frequently seen chasing after receivers. Yay! So it would seem that a top flight CB would be in order to shore up a leaky secondary, even though Winfield went to his first Pro Bowl last year. Just sign him long term already, retards! Davis seems to fit that bill, although there are a couple of other CBs that would be available for the Vikings to draft at #22. Out of the top three considered available when the Vikings pick (including Davis, Vanderbilt’s D.J. Moore, and Wake Forest’s Alphonso Smith), Davis is believed to be the most physical, which would seem to replace Winfield quite nicely. Also, he would fit in awfully well on a sex boat party, because he would smash homies. Some people are worried that Davis is an inbred retard though, so him taking to coaching, or the ABCs, may be a stretch. Either way, secondary help wouldn’t be scoffed at with pick #22.

Phil Loadholt, OT, Oklahoma: What a butch name. Loadholt helped to anchor an offensive line at Oklahoma that was made to look like a bitch in the National Championship game. He looks like a big bad man that would totally wreck you in an alley way, but with the glut of available tackles in this draft, he may be a reach at #22. He’s played a lot on the left side of the line at Oklahoma, and if drafted by the Vikings would be moved to the right. There may be some concern about his transition, but I hear he swings both ways, so it should be ok. /gay joke He’s a big girl at 6′-7″, over 320, so he could anchor a line pretty well. If he doesn’t get 14 false start penalties called against him, he’d already be better than Ryan Cook. And maybe it will cause some familiarity with Purple Jesus, since they’re both from Oklahoma? I don’t know, that would seem to make sense, like that Lake Shore movie with Keanu Reeves, amIrite?? Anyone? ….

Hakeem Nicks, WR, North Carolina: For some reason, despite glaring holes at OT, QB, and CB, there seems to be a mindset among fans and the organization that a WR is the most pressing need. I’m not quite sure how they get to that conclusion. With Rosencopter and Jackson
chucking the rock, it doesn’t matter who the receivers are. A tandem of Cris Carter, Jerry Rice, Lynn Swan, and Randy Moss wouldn’t make either of those idiots any better, so I’m not sure ho, Rice, Wade, and Nicks would help. Nicks was talked about early as a pick at #22 until he started eating ungodly amounts of pork rinds and stopped working out like he was already guaranteed his millions and watched his weight fluctuated like a self conscious woman. He’d be a good possession receiver, with great hands (I mean, they are so soft!) and good size, but his lack of speed, focus and of course fat ass, has some people concerned. He’ll probably drop out of the first round entirely now, which will make me smile because he seems self entitled. Work for my affection, ass hole! Could the Vikings use another receiver? Probably, that’s why they’re thinking of drafting Harvin. But they may want to wait and see what kind of QB abortion they’ve gotten themselves into, and whether or not Rice eats shit again this year too before wasting pick #22 on someone who can’t wear one size fits all anyway. Besides, this guy played college football at North Carolina. Spare me the Antonio Gates shit, this isn’t a football school.

Pat White, QB/WR, West Virginia: Finally, in recent days, the sexiest and most unconventional! pick of the draft is addressed. The Vikings had a private workout with White this week before the draft, possibly to get a better idea of what he does well and where he could play. Quite frankly, if Seneca Wallace is playing QB in the NFL, this dude sure as hell can. On top of that, how could he be any worse than the fecal mess the Vikings currently have at QB, including the scatter brained JDB? White would be an improvement in every sense of the word, and could be used in a variety of ways, similar to Harvin. I’m not quite sure why he’s being projected so low. His arm and accuracy is better than almost all other QBs in this draft. He has great versatility that should be attractive to any team that is looking to utilize the famed “Wildcat … Rarr!” formation (I always think of The Royal Tennenbaum’s when I hear that). So what’s the problem? I guess he’s shorter and lighter than typical quarterbacks, but typical QBs have done shit for the Vikings. Obviously, taking him at #22 would be a stretch, but if you go OT in round one and take a flyer on White in round 2, I could be ok with that. Also, it would be hilarious to confuse the Pee Paws when they see “White” on the back of a QB jersey and get all excited, only to find out that he’s actually black. Stupid old people …  ——————————– So there you have it! Be prepared to boo your heart out Saturday and Sunday, but just be thankful that you’re not a Packers or Jets fan, that perennially hates the draft. Now, Bust-Off!