Purple Jesus Wishes Almost Every Kid a Merry Christmas

It appeared to be any other average day for a handful of children in the Minneapolis/Saint Paul area. Waking up to a cold December morning outside their frosted windows dampened their spirits, but there was a small fire burning in their hearts. For 20 special kids on Tuesday, their December morning just got a little bit brighter. Minnesota Vikings running back phenomenon Purple Jesus had been scheduled for charity work with 20 inner city youth on Tuesday, taking them to Dick’s Sporting Goods with a $25.00 gift certificate to help shop for some Christmas items. Little did these kids know once they got to Dick’s, Purple Jesus surprised them all with $500.00 each in order to wrap up their shopping and put a little extra holiday cheer into the lives of these youth. “It’s great” Purple Jesus said with a smile. “I always like giving back to all of the youth, because I had it hard sometimes as a kid. Just putting a smile on every child’s face by helping out is an amazing feeling, especially during the holidays.” Well, almost every child. There was one youth that found his self with a frozen nose instead of a new pair of snow pants or a team jersey. “Yeah, it was that kid right there” Purple Jesus fumed… “That little punk with the Saints shirt on. He said all he wanted for Christmas was a Saints Super Bowl win. I told him all I wanted for Christmas was for him to freeze to death in a snow bank.” Harsh words from a revered figure in the state and national media, but who can blame him? eceiver, was along for the outing and said he saw the whole interaction. “Yeah, I saw what that kid was wearing. Heard what he said, too. I told him it looked uncouth, baby. I said he looked like a drowned corpse in a city built below sea level. I don’t think he got the joke, though, so to make it clear to him I pushed him into a shelf of soccer balls. The kid fell over like a rufied cheerleader and started crying like a virgin meeting Shanko after all the balls fell and buried him. That’s when I started laughing.” Emotions ran high among the other youth participants too. One child, the self proclaimed greatest Viking fan alive, overheard the Saints fans comment as well. “He was saying these really bad things, like how he wanted that Saints team to win the Super Bowl, and I told him that he couldn’t say that because I want the Vikings to win the Super Bowl, or else I wouldn’t invite him to my birthday party, but then he said he doesn’t like little black kids anyway? So then I told PJ and he took the kids money away and gave it to me. It was a pretty fun day.” There may be a spirit of giving during the holiday season, but Purple Jesus also wanted to remind youth of the spirit of respecting your heroes and learning to shut the fuck up once in a while. “I told him that straight to his face” Purple Jesus said after escorting the child, alone, outside of Dick’s into the cold. “I grabbed him by his collar and said, ‘listen you little shit, when you’re in Minnesota and with me I don’t want to hear one word about the Saints. If I do your ass is in a snow bank’. He then said how great of a quarterback Drew Brees is and so I kicked him out. Enough. I got bigger things to do around here, like win a Super Bowl, cure Harvin’s migraines with a single touch, and show some choice females the eternal light of my loins. I don’t have time to put up with this kid’s bullshit.” That may be so, but did emotions run a bit too high? Will there be any apologies after the football season? “Oh hell no” Purple Jesus said. “After football season’s over, if we win it all or lose to the Saints, I’ll be going to his house and egging the shit out of it just for fun. If he’s still alive, I mean. “Fuck that kid. He smells like corndogs anyway.”