The smartest Packer fan in the universe sits down to write this column …
“Look at this majestic piece of work. The beauty, the symbolism, the sparkling lights … it almost makes me wish I was a woman so that I could fall in love with diamonds all over again! Instead, you’ll just have to rest your eyes on the beauty that is the Green Bay Packers’ Super Bowl Championship Ring made by The Limited Too at City Mall in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin. Yes, that’s the official name of the ring.”
“The Packers and their season as champions are displayed poignantly in this beautiful 109 diamond ring, a subtle piece of art work which truly reflects the way the Packers always go about their business; blue collar, workman like, never cheating or calling upon the services of African’s to steal their blood diamonds to bashfully display their championship. It’s not as if there are any OTHER teams who have won a Super Bowl, or even a city that has more legitimate claims to football championships over the Packers! And yes Vikings fans, even the titles before World War II, the Great Depression, Silent Films, the Emancipation Proclamation, Civil War, gun powder, steel, and cave drawings count. Who cares if it was called “hot potato” back then and only played in pull sheds in River Falls? The Packers of old still dominated those schmucks in Cannon Falls 300 years ago!”
“Perhaps the best part about this ring is that I’ll never get to wear it. Oh, sure, as part owner of the Packers I’ll go to Lambeau someday on my last penny of the month, stand in a crowded space with the sweet scent of cheese wafting into my pores and press against hundreds of others as we push and prod and accidentally grope each other to look at one display ring in a glass case surrounded by a velvet red rope and a sheer curtain that holds a slight electric current to detract us from getting to close. BUT IT’LL BE WORTH IT! Because I’ll be able to go to sleep better at night knowing that the Green Bay Packers, full of athletes who are paid far too much money for their own good, who are home town boys who just happened to grow up in California, will be wearing that ring with pride wherever they go. At least until they retire, go bankrupt, and then have to sell it. Maybe that’s when I’ll buy it …”
“Truly, a remarkable artistic feat and well deserved! Should we now take a look in the Minnesota Vikings championship ring case?!”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Packer player’s crotch to fondle.”
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