“Oh my! Is it 11:00 AM already? Goodness! I suppose it is time for another community tour of the wonderful Hubert H. Humphery Metrodome facility in Minneapolis, part of the Minneapolis Spors Facilities Commission’s wonderful buildings! Please, please, step inside and let me show you the wonders, history, and stories of this building!”
“Watch you’re step, there are still some fat drunken Vikings fans who never made it out when the roof collapsed under all that snow this winter. We’re trying to get them out but we haven’t found a crane large enough to hold their mass.”
“Well, thank you for coming. We have just stepped inside of Gate F of the Metrodome and will begin our tour shortly. First, I want to ask, has everyone been here before as a fan to a game of some kind? Either a Vikings game, a Twins game, Gophers, high school sports, concert? Anything like that? … Great, great. While you may have been here before as a fan, we promise during these tours you’ll see parts of the Metrodome you’ve NEVER seen before! So great! Let’s get this tour started.”
“As we begin, you’ll notice to your right a men’s bathroom. Sure, this seems an odd part to point out on an exclusive tour, but we’ve had many requests of visitor asking where it was that the female Iowa fan was turned into a celebrity after drinking too many wine spritzers. We like to show fans where that occurred, which is right in this stall! … Here, everyone crowd around, crowd around … If you look carefully, you can still see the hand prints on the wall above the toilet! Fascinating, but let’s move on.”
“Circling around the Metrodome we stop by an exclusive suite that many of you have seen on TV. This suite is typically where Zygi Wilf and Taco from The League sit to watch footall games. In addition, you may have seen a stoic figure sitting here during a playoff game recently. Can anyone guess?! Prince? … Well, him too, but I was thinking of my favorite, Clay Aikin. Whatever! Moving on!
“As we get into the bowels of the facility, we like to show fans areas they don’t usually see. For instance, in the locker room here you’ll notice in the corner shower stall there is a light/shadow imprint from where Mr. Favre would set up his photo shoots after games and take shots of himself. He took so many shots that there is that flash imprint there. Amazing! To the right, near the corner lockers, you’ll find a pile of bones and a foul smell. We’ve been instructed not to touch those, as this is Phil Loadholt’s locker where he feasts on human flesh pre-game. He’s kind of like the Wompa on Hoth, but without the spine, you see.”
“Finally, as we pass some of the coaches offices here we come upon a seemingly innocuous looking door. It could be a material facility, janitor closet, ambiguous office room … but, sir in the front, why don’t you go ahead and open it ….
“Yes, this is the long fabled therapy room of current Viking Percy Harvin and former Vikings Randy Moss, John David Booty, Kelly Campbell, Daunte Culpepper, Warren Moon, Ahmad Rashad, and many more. This room was built specifically for them to cure certain … ailments … before games, which helps to boost their productivity. To every visitor it smells a bit different, almost what you truly love. What are some that you visitors scent today? … Cloves? Sure. …. Panties? OK. … and you? A little Lemon Diesel with a blend of Northern Lights? Well, yes, that’s actually what it is! Amazing!”
“And so as we come full circle we hope you enjoyed your tour of the Metrodome. Don’t forget, before you exit visit our fan table and claim your piece of the teflon dome for yourself! I know many of you will probably be looking for the center piece that has the Swastika, but, sorry to inform you, that one has a special place already in my bathroom! Enjoy!”
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