The content of this article comes from the twisted mind of AJ DeMello and is for entertainment and comedy purposes only. For more of his jokes and one liners follow A.J. on Twitter @humorousfiend.
1st round pick: linebacker Khalil Mack, Buffalo
Strengths
-Superb quickness off the snap, elite type speed (4.65 40 yard dash – but he plays faster than that)
-Can line up pretty much anywhere in the front seven
-Butkis award finalist
-Broke the NCAA record for career forced fumbles with 16 & tied NCAA record for tackles for a loss with 75
-28.5 career sacks in 48 career games (comes out to an avg of 1.6 sacks a game)
-Regarded by some (including NFL Network’s NFL Draft guru Mike Mayock) as the best player in the draft
-Regarded by some as a ‘playa’ when it comes to snacks
-Can drop into coverage
-Will match-up with some of the more athletic TE’s in coverage nicely and can still improve in that area
-Relentless pursuit
-Relentless when he sees a bowl of fruit
-Reads & reacts to plays quickly
-Excellent hand use
-Gets balls up in the air to pat balls down or even intercept them (Two interceptions returned for touchdowns in 2013)
Weaknesses
-Doesn’t have a definite position
-Didn’t play against elite competition in college
-Can’t tie knots for crap when gone fishin’
-Can get blocked out of run plays
-Not always a great tackler in space
-Bear nuts clog his drive
-Missed the 1st game of 2012 due to a suspension for violating teams rules
-Needs to play with better leverage
-Throws away cake frosting
2nd round pick: quarterback Derek Carr, Fresno State
Strengths
-Can toss the rock like nobody’s business sporting best arm in the draft
-Threw for an NCAA-leading 5083 yards with 50 TD’s last year (“OMG did he like, breaks records??” -Duh.)
-Very knowledgeable about football, considered one of the smartest quarterbacks of this draft class
-Athletic enough (4.69 forty boyyyyyy) to extend plays inside AND outside of the pocket
-Despite criticism of (a lot) of short throws/not playing in a pro-style offense recently he DID play in a pro-style offense (with Pat Hill in 2011), so YEAH
-Falling to the 2nd round may hurt his feelings, but it only makes his chances of success better with less pressure to be the guy right away
-Considered undraftable in the 1st round only because of a blood test confirming his relation to David (..not the Bible’s David…although if Derek claimed he were in fact related to that David, I’m sure we could just take his word for it)
–Great leader and role model; says he will literally, ‘spread the gospel’ in Oakland…and with a 68.9 completion percentage last year, I think Raider Nation can dig it
-One of only nine quarterbacks in FBS history to throw for over 10,000 yards and 100 touchdowns
-Does not double dip OR double lick
-After his poor play in the Las Vegas Bowl he bounced back ASAP with a strong Senior Bowl performance against some of the nation’s better players
-In the end, you can feel safe knowing that he loves God and that God loves him (just not his brother)
Weaknesses
-When in the face of the rush he will sometimes force throws/throw off balance
-Can rely on his arm strength
-Too often touts his arm length
-Inconsistent accuracy when playing in biggest games
-Has not played against enough tough competition
-People may still question his toughness due to his performance in the 45-20 loss to USC in the Las Vegas Bowl (even though he played hurt)
-Sometimes when you come across him he’ll look like David & you’re like, “Oh s#*%.”
-His brother is David Carr
-^See above
-Doesn’t that just suck??
-Has yet to see ‘Fruitvale Station’
3rd round pick: guard Gabe Jackson, Mississippi State
Strengths
-Started every game (in the SEC) going back to his freshman year
-His lower body power allows him to dominate once he gets his hands on you
-Long arms, anchors well
-Can play in pretty much any scheme
-Blistering first punch; constantly leaving defensive-linemen with splinters
-Seriously, the guy can get his hands on you quick (polar opposite of a fat dude that’s just finished eating a Butterfinger)
-Doesn’t make a whole lot of errors
-Bends his knees very well, can consume a bull rush
-Projected to help out immediately inside
Weaknesses
-Fluctuating weight (not ‘flatulating weight’ – even though that would be kind of awesome to hear about)
-Not great at getting to the 2nd level in the run game (or in his two-story apartment)
-Doesn’t always have a consistent motor
-Refuses to use huggies
-At times he will overextend himself in pass protection
-Struggles with quicker 1 and 3 technique’s
-Not exactly very ‘explosive’ – unless you’re talking about his flatulating weight
4th round pick: defensive tackle Justin Ellis, Louisiana Tech
Strengths
-You never really have to ask him if he’s “Jelly” (he’s over 330lbs)
-MONSTER story-teller
-Elite-type lower body strength
-Will take a couple of o-linemen out of the play
-Short-area quickness
-Started all 12 games in 2013 recording 48 tackles , 5.5 tackles for a loss with 1.5 sacks
Weaknesses
-Not a great athlete
-Suffers from peanut butter moo’d (a depressing-type of fluctuating weight)
-Has had multiple injuries
-Once engaged he can struggle shedding the block
-Will sneak a triscuit
-Not a good pass rusher
4th round pick: cornerback Keith McGill, Utah
Strengths
-Big, tall corner with rare 6’3 size
-Exceptionally long arms
-Good body frame for a corner (will not have to eat raw eggs and go run up some stairs with little children)
-Has enough range to play corner or safety
-Has big hands (which allows him to be physical just by giving a fist-pump)
-Plays man-coverage like an Asomugha; when QB’s test him he’s like “Na na na na..”
Weaknesses
-Struggles breaking down and tackling
-Sometimes will keep his hips open
-Has dropped easy picks (maybe if he didn’t high-five his teammates so hard he would catch some)
-At times lines up with his hips too open
-Will be a 25 year old rookie
7th round pick: cornerback Travis Carrie, Ohio
Strengths
-Ideal size & speed for the position (6’0 206lbs, 4.45 speed to help stay with speedy receivers)
-Good in zone coverage
–All-conference honors as a punt returner & defensive back
-Can really set the edge in run support
-Can really set the table while his girl retorts
-Possesses both long arms and big hands (don’t worry though ladies…as far as I know, he doesn’t like ‘Rice it up’
-Averaged 12.7 yards per punt return (lead the league most of the year)
-Finished the 2013 season with 42 tackles, 4 interceptions, 8 pass breakups & a sack to boot
Weaknesses
-Hips are a little stiffy
-Tackling should be better
-Back-pedal needs improvement
-History of injuries
-Lack of cool scars
-Footwork may need some twerk
-24 year old rookie
-Watching ’24’ makes him eat a lot of cookies
7th round pick: defensive-end Shelby Harris, Illinois State
Strengths
-Versatile enough to play DE or DT
-From 2011-2012 (once he started playing more DT) he had 134 tackles, 13 sacks, 28.5 tackles for a loss & an INT
-Shows good pursuit to the ball
-very long arms
-Is not easily blocked out of run plays
-When he makes a great tackle he bites the ball and will cackle (don’t question his toughness is what I’m saying)
Weaknesses
-Bit of a tweener
-Average quickness
-Has had to transfer due to suspension
-Kicked off the team for violating team rules
-Questionable drive (When weighed at Pro Day, he was 30lbs over what he listed in 2012)
7th round pick: safety Jonathan Dowling, Western Kentucky
Strengths
-Another 6’3 defensive back that can play safety – who said ol’ Woodson wouldn’t have backup?
-Best games have come against SEC opponents
-Has flashed play-making ability with 9 interceptions and 8 forced fumbles the last two years
-At times he can be a pretty decent tackler
–Drinks his Nesquik
-A 4.4 type quickness along with his 6’3 length makes him a nightmare lining up at cornerback or safety
-Play recognition has steadily improved
Weaknesses
-Has had off-the-field problems
-Has off-the-field and on-the-field BO problems (let’s just say nobody will even send him a text OR a card with an ‘XOXO’ )
-Needs to be a more consistent tackler
-Skipped practices as a freshman
-Has a brick-oven personality (talks like his head’s on fire)
-Durability concerns
-Often hits too high
-More interested in making the big hit rather than securing the tackle
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