The Florida Panthers suck.
Not in the “heh heh this girl from Bumble gave me a beej last night.” No. They’re a terrible hockey team.
In their first “home game” since firing former coach Gerard Gallant, less people filled the arena than filled your mom last night. It was indicative on their on-ice performance, surrendering 3 goals on their first 5 shots against.
And look, I get it. The team has largely been unsuccessful since ruining my childhood in 1996. The state doesn’t get dick for winter. Hell, they can’t even handle a little rain. Could you imagine if they actually got snow?
FIRST PERIOD
I got 18 goals
An assist or two
A big Russian guy
Who puts snakes in my shoes
Mad hockey skills, leave ya struck
And I roll on kitties and I’m hard as fuck – Sidney Crosby, probably
About 3 minutes into the game, 87 put it down for the underground. Took a pass that no one on the planet has any business receiving, got the cycle started, then walked out from down low to rip one through Luongo. 1-0
Then 21 seconds later, Malkin took his first minor in 7 games, giving the Cats an immediate chance to even it up. They did even it up in the form of Reilly Smith hooking the shit out of Hagdaddy. Panthers are free range kitties and come and go as they please and decided to leave as Sid shrugged off Steve French after a sexy little play from Schultz to set up Sheary. 2-0
Best part of that is going to be Luongo tweeting about kicking it in himself from his shed later.
A minute after the penalties expired, the Kittyland Love Centre opened back up a supervised play area for kitties to get rolled on. Mixture of tracking down loose pucks, good play along the perimeter, and Justin Schultz making an elite play to set up Wilson, who shot the puck off Kuhnhackl for his 3rd of the year. 3-0
Panthers GM/Coach/Whatever challenged for goaltender interference to waste everyone’s time. Only thing he was wasting was his goddamn hairline.
SECOND PERIOD
It wouldn’t have been a game against Jagr without old Double J popping up. With the Pens shorthanded after getting caught with too many men, JJ pulled a Barkov pass out of his dickhole to break the shutout. 3-1
Barkov is something special. Just walked by Bonino. Sick pass to top of it off. I just hope that when I’m 44, I’m good at something even 10% of what Jagr is at hockey. What a player.
Over the course of the remaining 13:43 of the period after the goal, the Cats registered a grand total of 0 shots at one end while Lu stopped some decent chances at the other.
THIRD PERIOD
Pens came out in the third looking to get two birds stoned at once by both closing out the game and putting it out of reach. Kuhnhackl-Cullen-Wilson continued their strong game by doing just that.
Jailbreak city after cleaning up the D zone. Probably the best play Wilson has ever made in his life. 4-1.
It wasn’t until the last 10 minutes or so that the Panthers started controlling the puck and getting shots on net. They registered 18 in total in the 3rd period, after getting just 11 through the first 40 minutes. And, presumably because a 4-1 deficit wasn’t bad enough, Tom Rowe would get Lu out of the net for the extra skater with over 3 minutes to go in the game.
Murray came closer on his first attempt at the empty net than Fleury has his entire career. Add it to the list of things Murray is better than Fleury at, I suppose. 5-1
As it turns out, MAF isn’t the only goalie on the Pens roster that has fun and has a goofy smile. Who knew?!
See ya.
RANDOM NOTES
- Obligatory Sidney Crosby is good.
- JSchultz with 2 more assists. Gonna get paid.
- Two goals from the new look 4th line with Eric Fehr watching from the press box. Somewhere, Jesse is smiling.
- Panthers only had 11 shots through the first two periods, but had 18 in the third. Murr earned that W in the 3rd, making 28 saves in total on the night with the lone goal coming on a powerplay. Some might say that is also good.
- Pens controlled the possession game for most of the night until the final 10 minutes. Score effects, homie.
Peng are back at it Saturday night in a rematch of the Eastern Conference Final. Much like the Final, Stamkos will be nowhere to be found. Do it.
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