Welcome to the Sunday afternoon Recap – today’s theme is being dead.
Dead like the Sabres, who are mathematically eliminated. Dead like the Pens’ Give A Shit Level today. And dead like me, stapled to the couch with a crippling hangover.
The Pens were looking to make it 2-for-2 against Buffalo on the weekend. The Pens won the first matchup last night, FYI.
It’s a 3PM game, which is somewhat convenient as it allowed this blogger to spend an extra 2 hours recovering. Brain is functioning around 14% capacity right now, so you’ll have to excuse even more typos than usual.
Should you give a shit about this game? Maybe. Do I give a shit about this game? Debatable.
Let’s just get on with it.
1ST PERIOD
Jay Caufield’s mullet indicated that the keys to the game were “Desmith” and “Special teams”. I guess “being alive” wasn’t an option.
Errey and Mears spent like 9 minutes talking about Desmith’s shutout streak versus the Sabres, so you knew they were going to score on the first shift. Shutout streak – DEAD.
BUF GOAL – Ruotsalainen (2) A: Dahlin, Cozens [0:26] 1-0 BUF
"HOW DO YA LIKE THAT!?"
Not even 30 seconds in and Arttu Ruotsalainen's already got the @BuffaloSabres on the board. 👀 pic.twitter.com/I8CHGNQAeQ
— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) April 18, 2021
Then Zucker took a penalty, leading to a Sabres power play that was as lifeless as Jack Nicholson in a snowstorm.
First commercial was for Jagermeister. Puke city.
Guentzel was also at the bar last night and took some lazy penalty after not doing shit all period. Errey described the Sabes PP as looking “half speed”, which was putting it lightly.
Pens generated some shit, but weren’t really challenging Tokarski, who sounds like some alcoholic you meet at Slick’s while waiting for your Fiori’s pizza after Tuesday night softball.
No more goals.
2ND PERIOD
Rasmus Dahlin’s ongoing commitment to being the world’s ugliest man remains impressive.
Pens started the period totally abusing the Sabres defense but didn’t cash in. So of course, you know what happened next.
BUF GOAL – Reinhart (16) A: Olofsson [2:18] 2-0 BUF
Sam Reinhart from Olofsson 2-0 #LetsGoBuffalo #LetsGoPens pic.twitter.com/70pg3wvufY
— Buffalo Hockey Moments (@SabresPlays) April 18, 2021
That’s a helluva snipe.
Pens got a powerplay but it’s not worth talking about.
Buffalo was locking it down defensively until finally yielding a 2-on-1 to Zucker and Carter. For some insane reason, Zucker chose not to shoot despite being in Position A. You could be forgiven for wondering if you’d rather be punched in the head by a Paul brother than watch this game.
More like Jason Pucker, am I right? You know, like his ass cheeks. His ass cheeks puckered up because he got nervous.
The period ended with a couple scrambles in front and both goalies making saves. Otherwise, the game just had a very lackadaisical vibe, which is a word I really wasn’t planning to spell today. Dead vibes.
3RD PERIOD
Jeff Skinner had a chance early but was stopped. He has nine (9) points this year. Nine. He’s deader than that lady in the closet from The Ring.
Sorry, you didn’t need to see that. Not during Sunday Scaries hours. Please accept this gif of very underappreciated actress Odette Yustman as my apology.
Bryan Rust had a semi breakaway but shot it over the net. A couple minutes later, Pens went to the PK and Reinhart did his thang again.
BUF GOAL (PP) – Reinhart (17) A: Olofsson, Dahlin [8:02] 3-0 BUF
Reinhart's 2nd goal of the game, 3-0 PPG #LetsGoBuffalo #LetsGoPens pic.twitter.com/WKsjnMKxP4
— Buffalo Hockey Moments (@SabresPlays) April 18, 2021
He’s a good player.
A couple minutes later, Jason Pucker would cash in after what seemed like 34 million chances. Is it me or is he having a terrible year? Need one of the nerds I work with to run a chart for me to confirm.
PIT GOAL – Zucker (7) A: Carter, McCann [10:18] 3-1 BUF
Let's build this momentum!
Zucker scores quickly off the faceoff. McCann and Carter get the assists. That's Carter's first point as a member of the Penguins. pic.twitter.com/pzjYDOD9Xf
— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) April 18, 2021
Errey continued to pretend like the Pens had a chance, which was bizarre. Asplund with the mercy empty net dagger.
BUF GOAL (EN) – Asplund (6) [18:12] 4-1 BUF
Asplund, 4-1 ENG #LetsGoBuffalo #LetsGoPens pic.twitter.com/g5osKihL7n
— Buffalo Hockey Moments (@SabresPlays) April 18, 2021
Ted Blueger sensed I was getting really excited about flipping back to Banshee on HBO, and made sure I wasn’t able to mail it in just yet.
PIT GOAL – Blueger (5) A: Carter, McCann [19:36] 4-2 BUF
Blueger, 4-2 #LetsGoBuffalo #LetsGoPens pic.twitter.com/mOtSO4aKCD
— Buffalo Hockey Moments (@SabresPlays) April 18, 2021
Ballgame.
RANDOM THOUGHTS:
- If you’re upset about this game, get some help. Pens had points in 15 straight. It’s not realistic to go 8-0 vs a team in a season, not even BuffaLOL. Shit happens
- Tokarski was nice
- Need a Jeff Carter goal bad. Want it. Geoff – talk to your father.
- Seriously, what is going on with Jay Caufield’s mullet?
- Jankowski line was terrible again. I think fancy stats had ’em at like 31% or something. Thanks to Purina for sponsoring this week’s Fancy Feast corner.
- Argue with me on Twitter @GooeyHockey and donate to Rez’s patreon (link in bio) @ReZhockeytweets
- Featured photo credit Bill Wippert Getty Images
- Enjoy Theory of a Deadman. Underrated song.
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