The thing about Carolina is they would probably be really good if they played in any other division. The Metro is basically the bar basement in Fight Club, where every team in the club is fully capable of kicking your ass on any given night. Even the worst team in the division, the Islanders, have a winning record. The best nine teams in the NHL are the Metropolitan division and the Wild. It’s ridiculous.
But on this night…this was not their night. In fact tonight they looked more like a team whose owner is being sued by his large adult sons. This game was probably the most embarrassing thing to happen to this franchise since they played their games in a mall. And you know what? More people probably still go to that mall than to Hurricane games. Seriously, what is their attendance when the Penguins aren’t in town? Last year it was 12,000 per on average. That was less than the Islanders and Coyotes, two teams whose arenas aren’t even located in the city the team says it is from.
So, they started the hockey contest and the Canes had some good chances early. Jeff Seymore Skinner had a nice backhander right on the doorstep, Staal moonwalked one down the slot uncontested, but Murray was there to stop everything without spilling his beer like the good starting goalie he is.
The Pens would score first to go up 1-0 at the 12:31 mark. Trevor Daley picked off a clearing attempt like he was Rod Woodson in his prime — you know, back when the Steelers wouldn’t be a 6-point underdog to a quarterback who wears UGGs. The shot was a goddamned laser beam and, honestly, Cam Ward is lucky that puck didn’t hit him.
The guy probably has a family to think about. He doesn’t need to be stepping in front of shots like that.
A short while later, the Pens almost scored again, except Patric Hornqvist went extra Patric Hornqvist and jammed into Cam Ward, just as Jake From Statefarm was gathering a rebound and depositing it into the back of the net. For some reason, they looked at this twice because, hey, fuck it, we have nothing else to do here. The second look confirmed Hornqvist committed a minor assault and the net was off its mooring. Five years passed before play resumed.
Somehow a total of 25 shots happened in the first period. I can’t remember anything after the 20-minute goal challenge, but I guess it’s possible.
Second Period
Okay, the second period was awoken. It took the Pens about eight minutes to get a shot, but once they did it was on. Carl Hagelin took that first shot and, sure enough, it found its way behind Ward.
The Pens would go on to score three more goals in the period, essentially locking in a sharpshooter that forced the Canes to tap early like a bunch of jobbers. Sheary got the third goal; Kunitz the fourth. Later, Skinner, who was fresh off an embellishment penalty earlier in the game, took an unsportsmanlike penalty for whining to the refs like a balling baby-back bitch. The Pens took to the power play where Malkin found Phil Kessel, delivering the powerbomb through a table for good measure to make it 5-0.
‘Member when people said Kessel couldn’t do a one-timer? ‘Member? I ‘member. Imagine if Phil Kessel took steroids — the guy could probably play forever. The league should look into letting that happen. Like, nobody else can do them, but Phil on roids is totally fine. Phil might play forever anyway, because come on, it’s not like he really hits anyone or anything. Either way, the NHL needs more players like Phil Kessel.
At this point, the arena would have emptied, except everyone there was cheering for the Penguins.
Third Period
Well, if Ward’s family wasn’t embarrassed enough for him, he gave up another goal, then immediately drew a penalty for throwing a punch to a grounded Patric Hornqvist (who didn’t even score the goal, geez) that wasn’t hard enough to move the oxygen it passed through.
The Canes got one back shorthanded to make it 6-1, but who really cares, it was 6-1.
The Pens answered right back when Crosby through a pass that would receive ten stars on PornHub to a wide open Sheary, who buried it to make it 7-1. All you really need to know about how good this pass was is the reaction Sheary had after burying it.
The guy stares at Crosby like he just showed up at the bar for five minutes before taking home the hottest girl.
But yeah, 7-1, so at least one sports team in Pittsburgh can score a touchdown.
Moving on. With about three minutes to go, the crowd started a “Here we go Steelers” chant, because of course. Whenever there are more Steelers jerseys in the stands than Hurricanes in a game like this, you knew it was only a matter of time. Somewhere between there and the end of the game Bob Errey took a puck to the chops. We never thought about what it would be like to have only Paul Steigerwald doing the announcing. We never want to think about it again.
Other Stuff:
- Speaking of Steiggy, someone needs to tell him that not every shot that goes wide was done so intentionally. Sometimes these guys actually miss the net.
- Impressive win against a team that is really good at home when you’ve been a team that has been really ordinary on the road.
- Speaking of impressive, keep that Matt Murray Express rollin’. No need for a goalie controversy ever again.
- Pittsburgh gets two rounds against Boston this Sunday. You know Bill Bellicheck is going to be in his finest hooded sweatshirt, so the fate of the city is hinging on the Penguins beating the Bruins.
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