Roster Moves: Percy Harvin Agrees to a Five Year Contract to have Minnesota Act as his Primary Supplier

Oh, nice hold out, rookie. Your ass is gonna get hazed!   ITEM! Minnesota Vikings first round pick in 2009, wide receiver Percy Harvin, stopped being a money grubbing bitch and signed his rookie contract. No, he just had to agree with how much weed he’d get up front. No, it was probably just a semantic issue for him, like “what does ‘guaranteed’ mean?” He did go to Florida, not Harvard or anything. Anyway, he now is able to join his teammates in Mankato to pick up on Training Camp Fevah! Details of the contract state that it is for five years, totaling $14.2 million with $8.5 million guaranteed and, holy shit, that’s a lot of sticky weed. Also, it means that he’ll just be coming into his own when the Vikings move to Los Angeles in 2012. I kid, I kid … But I swear to fucking God, if this happens I will pull Al Franken’s cock out through his mouth … Anyway, this wraps up all of the Vikings rookie signings for 2009 and completes the 80 man squad for Training Camp. Also, what you’re seeing is what you’re getting. Don’t like the receivers? Too bad. They ain’t adding anyone else.   FACT! Harvin was once rated as Rivals.com’s number one prospect coming out of high school. Obviously he’s got some talent. He also has some wicked attitude problems. He was suspended in high school for several games and rumors flew that in college he was a hot head who wouldn’t listen to coaches. Allegedly that has been toned down and there was never a public incident of Percy FREAKING THE FUCK OUT on people while with the Gators. Of course, if that bitch Rihanna never would have narked out Chris Brown, he’d have been as positively thought of as Harvin was too. But of course, Percy busted him self by showing up to the combine with traces of pot in his system. I mean, hey, who can blame the kid right? He was probably wrapping up finals, trying to relax with a little joint-skie, smoking some ganj, hitting on some white chicks. Whose fault is that? Everyone does it. And now that I think about it, why couldn’t Tim Tebow work some of his Jesus-missionary magic and clear that all up? Selfish fuck. But no, since then Percy’s totally changed. 360 degrees. Won’t do it again. Hm? 360 brings him right back to where he started from? … Oh.   SO? At the very least, Viking fans will have their trouble maker on the team that we haven’t had since Ra Mah (Randy Moss, to those people that aren’t as attractive as I am). But let’s be honest here; head case or no head case, if Percy Harvin lives up to any of the expectations that people have for him this year it may win the Vikings two more games single handedly and no one will notice if he murders Kevin McHale on national TV. In fact, many would cheer him on. When someone like Percy is considered to be a top ten pick across several draft boards and the only reason he drops is because of these wishy-washy attitude problems, you have got to take him and add him to a team that already has Purple Jesus,n, and Shiancoe (holding a pig). Hey, NFC North, you people are fucked. With the majority of his games on turf or in domes, Percy is going to be a southern Speedy Gonzalez; all weeded out, fast as shit, but with more “Yes sirs”.   CONCLUSION! Frankly, I think the character things get way too blown out of proportion. Moss hit a fucking traffic cop with his car and no one cared. The only people that will give Harvin a hard time about his past issues will be stupid titfisters like me who write about him. Honestly, as a fan, no one will care. Will he be dynamic in the open field, create highlight reel plays every week and help Purple Jesus win a Super Bowl? Probably (Although probably not the Super Bowl part). So everything else is obsolete to me. Let’s just be glad that he found his way down to Mankato to join his teammates and pray that Childress isn’t arrogant enough to not throw in some new wrinkles to his Slow Drooling Offense to appropriately use Harvin. And finally, just be glad that when you see number 12 on the field that it’s not a gray haired quarterback throwing ducks to the opposing team’s defensive backs. *Shudders* That was a nightmare for the ages.