Quick! Someone order a medium whale-sized jersey for this kid!
ITEM! Phil Loadholt, who I like to think of as some type of Where the Wild Things Are monster that roams around the football field, has signed with the Minnesota Vikings. He was the team’s second round pick (with first round talent!) and signed just in time to take the dreaded trip down 169 to Mankato, probably later today. I’m sure that, being a rookie, he’s going to get set up with a pretty shitty dorm room there, so he’ll want to hurry down there to get top bunk as well as the best of the shittiest rooms reserved for rookies. You know Sanford and Brinkley (sounds like a bad TV show) will be stuck with the room next to the bathrooms. Poop joke! And when you’re as big as Loadholt, you only hope you get shacked up with someone as (relatively) small as Percy Harvin, so you can steal his mattress as well and make him sleep in a corner. Or a closet. Probably cowering in fear of this freak of nature.
FACT! Did you know that Loadholt was born in Honolulu, Hawaii? Hm. Me neither. I don’t know if that matters. Loadholt is fucking huge though, and whether he has any Polynesian ancestry or not, there’s this “joke” going around that he may be challenging Bryant McKinnie as the largest human on the team. Do you think his cock is equally large? If it was, I bet Shiancoe would have already offered up an “accidentally” flashing again, just to remind everyone who’s the sheriff in the Vikings locker room. But at six feet, eight inches and a modest 343 pounds, Loadholt has the potential to carry a sock full of door knobs down below and the ability to open up holes gaping enough to twirl a cane through. That’s a vagina joke. Luckily for McKinnies, Loadhoalt is not nearly as ugly as him, so McKinnie can hold on to his “Ugliest Mug in the Locker Room” trophy for another year, until the Vikings draft Cauliflower Ear Colt McCoy next year.
SO? Loadholt was drafted to take over the right tackle spot on the offensive line which in recent years has been a black hole of suck. He’ll be made to compete with incumbent Ryan Cook, who is really a center that got moved to right tackle and was as effective as a blow up doll, but everyone understands that this is more of a wink-wink, nudge-nudge type of thing. If Loadholt doesn’t start at right tackle the first game of 2009, he’s either a retarded mongrel or got attacked by ninjas during training camp. I hope neither are true and that he becomes effective for the Vikings by at least presenting the front of possibly running right every once in a while to the opposing teams. Maybe then Childress will trick himself into thinking that defenses will over game plan for runs to the right and start running left more often, like he was supposed to have done these last three years. Asshat.
CONCLUSION! When the Vikings selected Percy Harvin in the first round over book-famous Michael Oher, I was about ready to put a kitten in a toaster. My anger somewhat subsided when Loadholt was selected, as his first round talent was taken in the second round. He’s notorious as a run blocker but many considered him to have questionable pass blocking ability. Luckily though, when you have quarterbacks like the Vikings pass blocking hardly matters, so Loadholt will be an upgrade. The only other issue is that he has been known to draw a lot of offensive penalties, false starts, holding calls, and fistings. Unfortunately, the Vikings don’t need any more of that since the team is well acclimated with Cook’s disadvantages with penalties as well. Hopefully Loadholt can learn to stop that (BAD!), but we’ll see. Either way, all that’s left now for large roster moves is Have Mercy Percy, and that should be wrapped up soon. So welcome Loadholt and don’t make him angry, or he’ll bite you.
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