The following is a speculation on what might happen if Ryan Hollweg gave up being a motivational speaker to be a substitute teacher.
(SCENE: a high school classroom. RYAN HOLLWEG)
STUDENT 1: Who are you?
STUDENT 2: And what’s the bad smell?
RYAN HOLLWEG: Bonjour, mes amis, je suis Ryan Hollweg et je suis your substitute teacher de français. Je was drafted dans le eighth round. Je used to play pour les Rangers de New York, les Maple Leafs de Toronto, et les Phoenix Coyotes.
STUDENT 3: Mr. Hollweg, are you qualified to teach…anything?
HOLLWEG: Hey! What’s avec l’anglais here? C’est un class de French ici! On ne parle pas de anything else!
STUDENT 2: Bon, d’accord. Hier, on a étudié les poèmes et des chansons du Québec. Par exemple, <<Soir d’hiver>> par Nelligan, qui a dit, << Ah! comme la neige a neigé!>>.
STUDENT 1: Et la chanson par Céline Dion, <<Le fils de Superman>>.
HOLLWEG: Man, you guyses accents SUCK! All I understood was “Celine Dion” and “Superman.” Now, what are these things about?
STUDENT 2: Well, Nelligan talks about the loneliness he feels by using the coldness of winter to describe his feelings.
STUDENT 1: And “Le fils de Superman” is about a boy who is a big fan of Superman, so he gets a Superman costume, and when he wears it, he thinks he can fly, so he jumps out of a window.
HOLLWEG: Man, what the hell is wrong with Québec people!? Who writes a song about a little boy falling out of a window?
STUDENT 3: …Eric Clapton?
HOLLWEG: Screw this, I’m gonna see if the biology teacher is here. I could teach ‘em a thig or two about that, if you know what I mean!
STUDENT 3: Except they’re high school students and underage.
HOLLWEG: Screw it, I’m going home, eat pickles, and watch “The Price is Right” in my underwear. (HOLLWEG leaves)
STUDENT 1: Dégutant.
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