The workplace is a cutthroat environment. You can survive by being good at your work, but to truly flourish you must embrace the social and terrorize the office with your impeccable pop culture metaphors/references. For those in constant pursuit of vertical mobility, sports playoffs can be a grim time. You’re only finishing transcribing Kevin Spacey “House of Cards” quotes and now you’re responsible for making sharp quips about football. For those of you who are inundated by the constant stream of pop-culture references that must be absorbed or if you’re just not into sports, I apologize, I should have written this article a long time ago.
No longer will you have to hide at your desk or eat your lunch in the bathroom stalls. To help you navigate your way to the top of the social hierarchy I have prepared a few helpful stock responses to your everyday work situation that will make you the MVP of your office.
Situation 1:
You: Hey Jeff, I’m about to go to (generic steakhouse) to get some lunch for the office. What do you want?
Co-Worker: A steak.
You: And how do you like it? Rare, medium, or Peyton Manning?
Co-Worker: You’re terrific!
Situation 2:
Co-Worker: I thought we’d caught it early but sadly we didn’t.
You: Way to pull a Dez Bryant on that one, Jefferson. Oh, she’s sick but we caught it early, but never mind, we didn’t. Classic.
Co-Worker: Oh you got me! Anyway, thanks again for coming to my wife’s funeral.
Situation 3:
Boss: We really liked the numbers you gave us for the Glengary account; unfortunately we didn’t get them in time. We’re going to have to go with Michael’s as lead on the account.
You: Talk about getting the Kam Chancellor treatment.
Boss: Sorry Johnson, I don’t follow.
You: Oh, well Kam Chancellor looked spectacular on back to back field goal tries against the Panthers. He jumped over the offensive line and should have blocked the kick, only the kicker shanked it so bad that he couldn’t get a hand on it and, as a result, Kam incurred a penalty, making his breathtaking efforts completely futile. Thus, pulling a Kam Chancellor.
Boss: Brilliant. Michael’s you’re fired. Johnson how does lead man on the account and a promotion sound to you?
Hopefully these common responses will turn you from office pariah to office messiah.*
*Disclaimer: They won’t.
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