We have all watched a movie/show for a 2nd or 3rd time with someone who had never seen that show/movie before, right? You get this smugness/excitement of being able to know when something exciting is going to go down and you just can’t wait to see the expression on the other person’s face when that happens. The smugness comes in when that someone asks you during it whether this or that person is going to die and you can basically spoil it for them or just hold it over their head without telling them what happens.
That’s been Game of Thrones for me since season 3.
To give you some background, I watched the first 2 seasons on TV and was immediately captivated by it. I love the series and I’m pretty much obsessed with it. I was so intrigued by it after season 2 that I decided to buy all 5 books and read them all prior to season 3. Since then, I’ve known that the Red Wedding was going to happen and I would then want to kill the Freys/Boltons with a chicken wing bone if I could…I knew Joffery was going to choke to death on a glass of wine…I knew Tyrion was going to get fucked over by his dad, mistress and sister…and I knew John Snow was going to get stabbed by his asshole co-workers (Note: FUCK THAT KID OLLIE!).
In a way, it kind of took away from the TV series for me. Sure, the series went off book a few times (Brienne/Hound, Ramsey/Sansa, Snow/Craster’s Keep) to shock me, but the biggest parts I knew were coming. That ends this season for me. As some of you know, the TV series has basically caught up to the books because George Martin has been battling writer’s block since 2010 (Seriously, this fool has written 1 collective book in the last 16 years. 16 YEARS!!! HIRE A DAMN ASSISTANT!).
The unknown for the show has totally recharged my interest and I can’t wait until Sunday. For this preview, I’m going to hit up most of what the series could look like and also do some book spoilers since technically there are still some story plots that haven’t been touched on yet. I will of course warn you when we get there. I’ll also have a bit of a #Onebuffalo mashup with Game of Thornes. Yes, I can totally connect Westeros to the (716).
Is Jon Snow coming back to life?
It has been over 3 years since I read the final Jon Snow chapter of him getting stabbed in Dances with Dragons. I’ve Googled every single damn theory there is and tried to figure out a way to talk with George Martin and cuss up a storm with him about having this be a 5-year cliff hanger basically (Dance with dragons was finished in 2011).
Jon Snow is my favorite character in the series. His story resonated with me right off the bat because it was so easy to figure out his motives. Bastard from Winterfell who is trying to find his own identity because his family didn’t want him to have one. We’ve seen him travel to the wall…join the Knights Watch…become a Wildling…hook up with a redhead…break the redhead’s heart…burn her…see Melisandre naked for the 20th time…fight the Walking Dead…then dies. The man has had a lot of story arcs.
To me, there’s no way they are ending it with him. My theory is simple: Melisandre is going to bring him back to life. If you remember from season 3, Thoros of Myr was able to bring back Beric Dondarrion after he had been stabbed by the Hound. Thoros is a red priest just like Melisandre and his Lord of Light powers are the reason he was able to bring back Beric. If Melisandre can birth a shadow baby to kill Renley and use leaches on a bastard’s dick to kill Rob Stark/Joffery, what’s so hard about bringing back Jon Snow from the dead?
I don’t think its by accident viewers wanted to tar and feather Melisandre after she basically convinced Stannis to cook his only daughter Shireen. Seriously, that part was fucked up and I wanted Stannis and his crew to get their asses handed to them against the Boltons. It would be totally typical of the show to have us hate Melisandre and then a few episodes later…Oh, she’s not so bad cause she brought back Jon Snow. Yes, I would totally forgive her for making Shireen a shireencabob if she made Jon Snow come back from the dead. I think this will probably happen midway through the season.
OK…So what happens with Snow when he returns? I think he rallies the wildlings to take on the Boltons. If you’ve seen the trailers, they are showing a battle between the Boltons/Wildlings. Who on earth would the Wildlings follow to take Winterfell? It aint going to be Davos or Ollie. It would be the guy who rescued them from the Walking Dead in Hardhome. Now what about his stupid vows to the Night’s watch? Well, if you read the vows, it clearly states that you serve them until you die (Paraphrasing). Well, Jon Snow is dead and his watch has ended …but it doesn’t say that it has to keep going after he comes back from the dead. Boom. He rallies the troops, meets up with Sansa and they take on the Boltons and finally kill those clowns! See…that’s not so hard, Mr. George Martin.
Who deserves to kill Ramsey Bolton?
Ramsey Bolton fucking sucks. Seriously, since Joffery died, he’s been my #1 bad guy on the show while just edging out Mr. Curmudgeon, Walder Frey. From dick cutting to rape, Ramsey has totally made everyone’s lives he’s touched a living hell. So, who deserves to kill off this bastard. It comes down to 2 people for me:
Theon “Reek” Greyjoy- Alright, there’s obviously some bad memories with this idiot since he basically cost the Starks the North with taking over Winterfell in season 2 and betraying Rob. He was a whiny bitch who had terrible taste in the ladies. However, the man did get his dick chopped off and is missing a few other parts. All because of Ramsey Bolton. I mean, the Buffalo Wins unofficial poll states that 9 out of 10 guys would never want to have their manhood cut off and sent to their father. On top of that, he was living with the dogs the last 2 years and was basically a shell of himself because of Ramsey.
Sansa Stark- Poor Sansa. Seriously, she’s had worse luck with men than Nicole Brown Simpson. I’m still in awe at how Littlefinger was able to convince her to marry the psychopath of the family murdered her mom and brother. Hell, her father-in-law stabbed her brother to death. WTF. I get that Littlefinger made it out that she’d be running forever from the Lannisters, but so fucking what!? Join the Dorthraki or travel through the Narrow Sea and become a hairdresser. Hell, I’d rather become a white walker than be related to the family that killed mine. Still, she got sold a bag of goods that Ramsey was a decent guy and he obviously wasn’t. We all saw how he raped her and Theon sat there like a little bitch and cried. So, her motives are basically rape/murdering her family.
Verdict: Theon- Here’s the thing…Sansa just hasn’t learned. She’s been making the same mistakes since season 1 with being too naive. With all that happened to her in King’s Landing, she should have just sailed to the North Pole and become a nun. Why did she continue to trust Littlefinger when he F’N betrayed her dad!? Theon is a byproduct of poor parenting because his stupid dad gave him away to the Starks and he was obviously battling a bit of a chip on his shoulder. On top of that, Rape vs. getting dick chopped off…I mean, as a dude…I think dick being chopped off is worse (Note: Sorry ladies. But I’m still going to vote for Hilary!) Plus, I have always had this 3-eye raven vision that Reek will stab Ramsey from behind and Ramsey will then turn to him in shock and mutter “Reek” and Theon will go…”My name is Theon.” BOOM! For Sansa, I think it would make sense for her to go after Littlefinger since he’s been using and manipulating her since day 1.
What will happen in Kings Landing?
My hope is that the earth will swallow up all of them. Seriously, does anyone like anyone in King’s Landing at this point? Maybe Jamie..you know..the guy who banged his sister and threw Bran out of a window. Margery…The lady whose tried banging more Kings than a Kardashian in a Sacramento Kings Locker room. The crazy religious sparrow nuts lead by Ted Cruz? Seriously, they all suck down there. So where do we go?
Jamie is bringing back his dead daughter from Dorne so you know Cersei isn’t exactly going to be turned on by him. This duo has been doomed since he came back to King’s landing with one hand and something tells me it is going to come ahead this season. Additionally, you have basically a 3-way war in Kings Landing between the Tyrells vs. The Lannisters vs. High sparrows. Neither of these 3 like each other and will probably be at each other’s throats. I have a few theories, but I’ll have to put that in the book spoil section.
Does anyone care about Dorne?
Nope. Sorry, but they butchered Dorne last year with the Sand Snakes shoddy action scenes and basically a plot line that took too long to develop. Love the Red Viper (RIP), but everyone else is a yawn for me. I have no idea how Trystane, the prince who went with Jamie to King’s Landing with his dead fiance/daughter, is going to mix in with the Lannisters. Something tells me that’s going to be more awkward with them than the dinner scenes in Meet the Parents.
Bran’s wet dreams returns
Hey! I remember you! Yes, Bran Stark is back after taking a year off to train with master Yoda under the learning tree. The trailers seem to indicate that Bran is going to be involved with the White Walkers in some form. I’m going to assume these will all be dream premonitions and he won’t actually be with them. Honestly, the search for the 3-eye raven has been happening since season 1 and I don’t give a damn about it. However, if Bran’s dreams are the ones that take us to the Tower of Joy flashbacks that have been shown in the trailer, then I’m for it (Note: R+L=J).
Mother of Dragons reunites with the Khallasar
After too many seasons of just moving…and moving…and moving…I felt Danerys had her best season last year with trying to rule Meereen, meeting Tyrion, reuniting with Big Bear, and then having Drogon basically cook the Sons of the Harpy. Now she finds herself with her ex-crew, The Dothraki. Since she’s not married, does lightning strike twice with the Dothraki and she gets married off to their Khal? If that happens, she’d have one hell of an army with The Dothraki, the Unsullied, and her 3 dragons. On the other hand, will there be resentment towards her since she didn’t exactly leave on the best of terms the last time when she convinced Khal Drogo to get healed by that witch. Something tells me its going to be the latter.
Additionally, she’s got Ser Jorah and her boy toy trying to find her which I’m sure will be a trip. Game of Thrones sure does love their bromances when it comes to teaming up. Don’t forget Jorah has that gray scale disease thing going up his arm, so, unless there’s a cure on their way to finding Danny, he’s gonna bite the big one soon.
#Onebuffalo meets Game of Thrones mashup
Rex and Rob Ryan- One basically has all the power in Buffalo, while the other one is in his brother’s shadow. I think we have to go with Cersei/Jamie here. Cersei/Rex is a bit conniving and isn’t a stranger to making her honest feelings do dishonest work. One minute, you kind of respect both folks…the next minute…what an asshole. Rex is totally Cersei because he wants all the power at One Bills Drive. He’ll cry about how his defense wasn’t all in last year, but in the next breath he has an interview where he says they ran his defense from week 8 on. Cerisrex also has a bunch of spies within the Bills organization who will leak stuff to Tim “Varys” Graham about how he hates Doug Whaley. As for Rob Ryan, well, he’s Jamie because he doesn’t take things too seriously. I mean, look at Rob…He’s not head coaching material basically because he looks like a drunk hippy. Not to mention, look at their dad..Tywin Lannister and Buddy Ryan are basically dicks who always tried to groom their heirs to be exactly like them, but they kind of failed at it.
The Pegulas- I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, they are totally the Tyrell Family. Kim Pegula is Lady Olenna and Terry Pegula is Mace Tyrell. Like Lady Olenna, Kim wears the pants in the family and knows what’s up. Mace Terry Tyrell is…well, Mace is just kind of there. As for Loras and Margery, well, that story is still developing at One Bills Drive, but if the Pegulas master plan is for their heirs to take over #Onebuffalo, we can probably figure out who will be that person and it won’t be Loras.
Jack Eichel- The man who is going to bring balance to the force in Buffalo Hockey. There’s a lot of people we can pick here…Mother of Dragons…Jon Snow…TBD Game of Thrones character…To me, it totally rests with Melisandre. Yes, the red priest who keeps talking about how “Prince that was promised” will come to Westeros after being born from smoke and salt (Um, that’s not where babies come from) and fight off White Walkers and basically rule the world. Well, it was supposed to be Stannis Grigorenko and he’s basically dead now. So, whose next? Gotta be Jack Eichel who is the “prince that was promised” after tanking.
Russ Brandon- Russ Brandon is so Littlefinger, its not even funny. I mean, the story of Littlefinger is basically some guy who came from a piece of shit island with no family or money and basically rose to being one of the most powerful men in Westeros by lying and backstabbing everyone. Just like when Littlefinger was politicking with The Tyrells behind Cersei’s back, we all know Russ was secretly kissing the ass of Bon Jovi during the whole Bills/Toronto fiasco so he could stay on as president. Then, we get Russ coming out of nowwhere to F’N run both our teams. Yes, the marketing guy somehow got Ted Black fired so he could inherit Harrenhaul/The Sabres, and kept his job at the top of an organization that hasn’t made the playoffs in 16 years. He is the most powerful man not named Pegula in Buffalo. Hell, I could see him trying to marry off a Pegula daughter to the Rodgers family in Toronto in order to take control of the Blue Jays at this point.
Ritchie Incognito- Ritchie is an asshole. There’s no way around it. He was a giant dick in Miami/St.Louis and basically everywhere else. He’s also a dirty player who goes about his business without caring what others think. He’s basically The Hound. A man who basically told everyone to piss off and is scarred for life, but you know what? He wasn’t that bad once you got him around Arya. Yet, he’s still a giant asshole, but you would totally sign up for him to be your bodyguard or in this case, Tyrod’s protector.
Mario Williams- Mario is now a disgraced ex-Bill who had the audacity to quit on his team and talk shit about Rex Ryan’s scheme. He was exiled from Buffalo which of course means he’s Ser Jorah Mormont. I mean, Ser Jorah got kicked out Westeros and out of the Mother of Dragons queen’s guard. He also had a bit of an issue with his ex-fiance which we all know Ser Jorah is Mr. Friendzone.
Tyrod Taylor- Is Tyrod Taylor really a franchise QB? Is he like the other QBs we see in the NFL? But..But..he’s too fragile and small and not like his peers. Ahah! Add an “I” to Tyrod and what do we have…Tyrion. Tyrion is too small and he’s a dwarf. He’s also in the shadow of his dead dad, brother and sister. Tyrion is pretty much a guy who may have the power/knowledge to take over Westeros, but do you really want to take him seriously? A guy who killed his mother at birth, can’t fight, but is the god of tits and wine? Do you wanna take a QB seriously who was drafted in the 6th round and doesn’t have a 300-yard game?
Dan Bylsma/Tim Murray- To me, this is a package deal. They are the odd couple who are joined from the hip. But…how did they get there? BACKSTABBING! Let’s be real here. The Sabres were supposed to be run by Pat LaFontaine. While he was only the president for about as long as Renley Baratheon was king of Westeros, he brought in Tim Murray after he hired Ted Nolan. Frankly, that felt kind of ass backwards. Of course, what happens? A shadow kills off LaFontaine and Tim Murray rules the kingdom. Then what happens to Ted Nolan? Murray pretends to be his friend and then boom…stabs him! Bylsma and Murray=Roose Bolton and Walder Frey. Yes, I know you are angry about this since they are the most despicable people on the show, but hear me out. The Starks were basically LaFontaine/Nolan and they thought Murray (Roose/Walder) was their ally. Hell, LaFontaine brought Murray into the fold. So what happens? Red Wedding and LaFontaine/Nolan die and Murray becomes lord of Riverrun. And let’s be honest, Walder Frey and Murray are prickly guys, so their persona kind of fits. We’ll just say that Dan is Roose because I’m out of energy.
BOOK SPOILS!!! IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOKS, JUST MOVE ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY FINAL WORDS
Jamie theory
Of all the remaining characters on the show, Jamie is by far the one who has the most plot lines available from the books. They completely went off book with him last season and this season I believe he’s going to hit up almost exactly what he did in book 4. You can see in the trailers that he’s been dressed as a knight in Lannister gear and NOT in the King’s Guard. Something tells me that Cersei is going to try and have him dismissed from that order since a few royal heirs have died on his watch (Joffery/Marcella). In book 4, he did the whole traveling to River Runs and negotiating the surrender of the Black Fish and then had the moment where he threw Cersei’s letter for help in the fire. Like I wrote earlier, I think this will be the year where it basically ends between them and I think the story from book 4 is the way to go.
Brienne/Podrik/Sansa/Lady Stonehart
Lady Stonehart isn’t coming…right? Maybe they are waiting to unveil her in a season where not much happens, but they are running out of episodes. The theory online is that basically Sansa would be a version of Lady Stonehart because of how fucked up her life has been since she left Winterfell in season 1. I could see the creators having Sansa become ruthless and maybe ordering Brienne to bring Jamie Lannister’s head to her just like Lady Stonehart did at the end of book 4. Now, can Sansa pull that off? I don’t know. I’ve never seen the darkside/anger of her in the book or even the series. Catelyn Stark I always saw a dark and angry side to her when she was alive. Plus, she died. She could pull it off. Sansa? I don’t know. She’s seen a lot of messed up things, but I just can’t see her becoming that vengeful.
Arya/Sam
I was never enamored with Ayra training in Bravos from the books. Last season was a little more interesting since she killed that jack off knight and I’m a big fan of Jaqen H’Ghar. Still, she’s wasting time for me. Go and kill Cersei!!! We obviously know that there are a few more stories about Arya in the books such as meeting Samuel and regaining her sight. I do have a theory…I’m thinking maybe the Many Face Gods give Ayra an assignment to Kill Sam in order to regain her sight. Seriously. Maybe him hooking up with Gilly is viewed as being bad for the Many Face God since he’s in the Knight’s Watch and they decide to take his life and she has to do it. Now, do I think she’ll do it? No. However, I can see their fates meeting just like the books.
Tyrion running Meeren
I’m running out of energy at this point…Tyrion is basically caught up to the books and I’m looking forward to see how he runs Meeren. My favorite Tyrion storyline was always when he was the hand of the king in season 2. Seeing Tyrion as a leader is badass IMO. Now he’s back and not the master of coin or looking for whores. This to me is where the book spoils occur. I think Tyrion is going to be really bad at this and the dragons are going to get out and burn the city to the ground just like at the end of book 5. I think they are going to swap out Barristan for Tyrion after Danny left Meeren. If you remember, Barristan had a lot of issues once Mother of Dragons left.
FINAL WORDS
Winter is coming. As long as Jon Snow lives, this should be a hell of a season. If he’s off the show, I’m going to be really pissed. I really hope that we aren’t down to the last 13 episodes of this series after this season.
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