Unless you’re one of those Penguins fans who obsesses over details such as who the backup goalie should be, back-to-back Stanley Cups and a slow start to the season had the rest of us, well, sort of in a state of meh for most of the regular season, just waiting for the playoffs to roll back around.
But now, it’s time, Jack. And the Pens first round opponent…
Whew, boy. What better way to kick start the postseason than a series against the NHL’s version of pond scum, the Philadelphia Flyers.
To be perfectly honest, fans in Philadelphia are probably feeling pretty good about themselves these days. They’re fresh off a Super Bowl victory, which saw the only time in the history of sports that all of America was collectively rooting for Philadelphia (it only took Bill Belichick, and Tom Brady making out with his son, but it still happened), the Sixers are young and exciting, the Phillies have Rhys Hoskins hitting baseballs into different time zones, and now the Flyers are embarking on the playoffs. For Philadelphians, there is…finally stuff to look forward to?
Let’s not forget Philadelphia is where promise and hope goes to die. Despite making the giant step from calling Sidney Crosby a bitch, girl, p-word, etc. to halfway decent jokes about him and mayonnaise, this is still the same group of deplorable morons who think they’re up-and-coming because their subway system that services three streets now accepts change instead of tokens. You guys are sooooooooooooo fucking cultured now, just let me tell you. Ya’all still serving stank meat on white bread with some Cheez Wiz? Thought so. Should have been throwing those things over batteries all along. Just tell me some more mayo jokes, please.
THE OPPONENT
Your team got here because you have three good players. Not like the Pens, who have three *great* players and then some other good players, no. Just three good ones, that’s it.
I have never seen scabies close up but I assume it looks something like that. Gostisbehere was more ghost than bear this season, so he didn’t make the cut here.
THE COACH
Dave Hakstol, looking more and more everyday like your mom’s new boyfriend who is trying to land that promotion in accounts receivable, should be applauded for turning this joke factory into something that more closely resembles a hockey team. Hakstol seems to know his team will actually have to play hockey to beat the Penguins, which would be a step in the right direction if the Flyers actually had more than 3.5 players who are good at hockey. If we’re being real about it, the Flyers should revert back to their old ways — it’s the only legit chance they have. If Hakstol was really that smart, he’d have Wayne Simmonds drive a car onto the ice tonight. If he hits 17 Penguins he’d finally have a positive plus/minus.
THE GOALIE
Is there a goalie? I guess it’s Brian Elliott. Elliott’s career numbers in 41 playoff games: a 15-22 record, 2.60 goals-against average, and .908 save percentage.
THE STATS
The Flyers are a goal-scoring team (3.04 goals per game), the Pens are just a better goal-scoring team (3.29 goals per game), who is much better at possessing the puck. Not much else to see here.
GAMECHANGERS
Pens: Patric Hornqvist. The dude was made for the playoffs. He’ll be parked in front of the crease for as long as this series goes.
Flyers: Wayne Simmonds — If he does, in fact, steal a car and drive it onto the ice.
THE REGULAR SEASON
The Pens swept the Flyers 4-0.
PREDICTION
The Pens sweep the Flyers 4-0.
*BONUS PREDICTION*
If the Flyers do happen to win a game, Travis Hughes from SB Nation dies from asphyxiation after his own penis becomes lodged in his throat.
IN CONCLUSION…
This is the perfect warm-up for the Pens. They’ve been guilty, af, of lulls in effort and focus throughout the regular season — nothing better to snap them out of that mentality all together than a short dance with the Flyers. If the Pens can wrap this series up quick, it positions them nicely to once again bounce the Caps in second round.
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