Small Town News

It’s been a rough week or so for me. First, Steve beats me in our fantasy baseball championship series. This is what happens when you are loaded with Mets. Second, my baseball picks just went to hell. It’s really bad when Dick Vitale beats you at this (or anything, really). Then there was the whole Stu Scott fiasco, and now Jesse Boulerice is just helping Scott’s cause. I lost every fantasy sport available to me last week as well. Pro Football? Check. Pro football pick ’em? Check. College football pick ’em? Check (4/15! I should never gamble). Hockey? Double Check. Although, in one league I’ve been to focused on preparing for my matchup against Kevin from Melrose Rocks. I’m coming for you and Jeremy Roenick can’t save you now.
So anyways, I don’t particularly care to talk about sports right now. I DO want to talk about Victoria, since we haven’t done that in far too long. Let’s crack open the paper, shall we? Again, for a refresher, since readership has about sextupled since the last time we did this, the paper I’m referring to is local to Victoria, Minnesota, and I’m so hard on it, I won’t name it. The editor, whom I call Celine Dion, because nobody likes Celine Dion, has total ownership of it. I personally call the paper the Celine Dion Newsletter, but nobody understands. So let’s pick this piece of biased journalism to shreds, shall we?
Actually, my mom and dad were recently in the paper for being on the winning team for a local golf tournament (athleticism does run in my genes!) only to find that the online version doesn’t run pictures. While poking around that part of the site, I decided to look at the notes and quotes and was delighted to see this one, from someone on the ETWN named Mark Cristina: “There was global warming before people inherited the earth.” First off, thank you, person with no scientific background giving a quote that doesn’t make any sense. And I thought the church had an anti-evolution type of stance, if I was not mistaken? How was there earth before humans? The second bit of thanks goes to Celine, of course, for printing an obviously biased quote that shows exactly why I don’t like her. Where is the sciencey type person to refute Mr. Cristina’s quote? Anywhere? Well, the Church has always been the bastion for good science, so I guess we should take the ETWN’s word for it. (Note: I’m a Catholic!)
The next step, as always, is to meander over to the letters to the editor, where the only real news actually takes place. In it, we learn that the Harman Retail Nursery is now open. (Celine will not be writing a story.) A Victoria resident was killed in a motorcycle accident, and frankly, the writer or the letter could have spared some of the gruesome details. (Celine will not be writing a story.) The Mayor wrote a letter regarding some communique between her and the Lieutenant Governor regarding the Highway 5 bridge and it’s safety rating (49.1, which is only slightly below grade). With the recent attention given to Minnesota bridges, as well as the intended expansion of 5, this is an important issue. (Celine will not be writing a story.) There were awards and benefit announcements throughout the letters section. (Celine will not be writing a story.) There were several letters that were clearly not intended to be printed in the paper, and had the feel of personal notes, written to her or the business in general. (Celine MAY be writing a story.)
In the City Hall portion of the paper, Celine goes back to her favorite issue, the Highway 5 -Park Drive intersection, which she once called the most dangerous intersection in the county. Of course, I’ve never even heard of an accident there, and there is absolutely truth to the rumor that she has to turn at that intersection. She gets pretty livid, even using italics, to note that the City Council will not be applying for funding to study that intersection. The nerve! The town spending their money wisely instead of responding to your pet issue?! But how will the intersection ever become not dangerous? Oh. Right. It’s already not. Although Councilmember Richard Tieden believes it is. Says Tieden, “It’s a dangerous intersection.” I stand corrected.
There was a lot of talk about Steve Sarvi, City Administrator, and his recent return from Iraq, which is applauded. There was some hubbub about a new policy regarding city employees that I admittedly didn’t understand but which Sarvi was in the middle of. The end had a little bit of bad news. Steve had kidney stones! Exactly what he wanted the town to know.

So on that note, I leave you with the news that mostly, the rest of the paper is boring nonsense that nobody would ever intentionally read about, much less write about. So, with that, I’m done.