So You’re Watching Afternoon Fights and Want a Bloody Mary. Here’s How You Make One.

With UFC 242 kicking off their prelims at 10:15am EST this Saturday, and also with the first full Saturday of college football kicking off, it’ll be a great morning and afternoon to kick in front of your screen of choice with a drink.  And what’s the best drink you can possibly have during daylight?  Why, a bloody mary, natch.

Here’s how I make mine, try it and let me know just how wrong I am!

Listen, you can add a thousand ingredients to your bloody mary, but what you should remember is 75% of a bloody mary should be vodka and tomato juice. If you want to go with a Caesar and go with clamato juice, do you, but we’re talking basic BM here. Yes, I know what I said. BM. Hah.

So the first step is take a pint glass, fill it halfway with ice, and pour your vodka (I recommend Tito’s) and tomato juice to 3/4 of the way to the top. No, you don’t need to make a mix, refrigerate it overnight, and sprinkle it with fresh lemongrass. You don’t need a shaker. This isn’t a martini where all components need to fuse together and chill before pouring. It’s ten in the morning and your dogs need fed. You have what we call a “spoon” to mix your own drink.

Now about that tomato juice. V8 gets a bad name for what-the-fuck-ever reason, but it’s great. If you want to craft your own juice with regular tomato juice, herbs, fresh fruits and veggies, then knock yourself out, but the rest of us that really need to shit are on the clock, here. I use V8 low-sodium spicy. I can add more salt if I need to, which I seldom do, and I don’t need to drown it in hot sauce or horseradish if there are other people over. It’s a solid choice.

Let’s talk about horseradish. I love horseradish. Prime rib, salmon, cocktail sauce, pit/roast beef sandwiches, etc…

I don’t put horseradish in a bloody mary.

Look, do you have a jar of horseradish in your fridge? Probably. Go look at it. What do you see? Chunks of horseradish and water. Do you know what it adds to a drink when it’s added? Chunks of horseradish and water. It doesn’t mix, and you’re left with chunks of horseradish and water in your bloody mary. YUMMERS!! The worst characteristic of a bad bloody is when it’s watery. The only way horseradish mixes with anything is with either a binder (mayo, like in horsey sauce), or if it’s cooked down or blended (with an actual blender/food processor) enough. Shoveling it into tomato juice won’t do that. So, yes, no horseradish in your bloody mary. Seriously, 90% of the shitty bloody marys I’ve had out were strictly because of the goddamned watery horseradish. You will add…

Tabasco and Worchestershire Sauce! Tabasco is my favorite hot sauce, but you can substitute your own. I like Tabasco for a bloody because it’s very vinegary, and worchestershire sauce is the secret ingredient to everything that tastes great, I’m convinced. I put it in everything. Give them both of them a solid layer on top of the V8. So we’ll say you’re 85% done.

Now add your dry spices. Only a couple dashes of salt. I salt everything. I’d salt my goddamned fist and take a bite, but there’s enough salt in what we’ve added and what we will add.

However, crank the FUCK out of your freshly ground black pepper. Pepper is going to make this drink land on your tongue with a boom. Load it the hell up. Stir it in and crack a few more twists in there. A small dash of garlic powder and onion power, because those are the Batman and Robin of spices, celery salt, and stir totally. Now you have about 5% left, and time for one last ingredient.

Pickle juice. Dill for saltier, bread and butter for sweeter. It’s salty, it’s flavorful, it’s goddamned nourishing and replenishes you when you’re getting tossed! Some add lemon to their bloodies, but I don’t really think it’s necessary. Your mileage may vary, but I think it makes it too bitter, hence the pickle juice to make it bitter but not too.

Now you have a cocktail that isn’t watered down, isn’t chunky, it’s mostly vodka and tomato, which is what it should be, it’s thick, which the ice is soaking up to chew on, it’s salty, it’s spicy, it isn’t overwhelming, it’s somehow relatively healthy, and it doesn’t need a garnish of a shrimp, a bacon strip, a lamb shank, a water balloon, what’s left of a redwood tree, and a Kirk Gibson bobblehead doll.