“Alright, now. Deanna got me this here iPad a majigger, ‘nd even tho’ I sure don’t know how ta use the durn thing, I’mma head on to the old Facepage website and see whas happenin with mah old team, the Minnesota Vikins …”
Sees alert that finalists for the Minnesota Vikings Cheerleaders are announced. Sits on riding lawnmower, unzips pants
“Well, well, lookee here! We got finalists for them cheerleaders announced! Just what I like ta see early in the AM before Deanna tries ‘nd wake me up to mow the grass. I’ll be mowin’ some grass alright. Heh, heh, them sex jokes is funny … now the real question is, we got anyone this year that will make me want to come back and play another season?”
Flips through each finalists, getting sadder and sadder
“Well, naw, this here ain’t no good at all! Look at all these here young ladies, not a single onna them is a masseusse even! It just says thur jobs is all “Auditions”, ‘nd I never even heard of that job before. Audtions? Ya’ll should be auditionin’ in my pants! ‘nd I don’t even know what that means anymore! Dammit! I must be gettin’ old!
“And whas with her?! She looks like my daughter, Brittany! And Brittany has a kid! I mean, a bastard kid, but a kid, still. Do these cheerleader finalists have kids? Maybe a family? Dogs ‘nd pets back home, parents and uncles and aunts who care about them like owa family cares about media attention? Coworkers who wonder where they are afta they be leavin’ my hotel room? My gawd … they just like normal people aren’t they? They just like me, without the Super Bowl rings, and like Deanna, without the canca stuff … although … well, no Sir, I don’t actually knowin’ if that be true. These young womin might be havin’ canca in they breasts, and they may need someone to check it fo’ them. Wait …”
Sunrise breaks over the hill and beaks into barn to illuminate his face like the All Seeing Eye
“I got it! I ain’t going back to play football! No, sir! I been misguided this whole time! I AM gunna go back to the NFL but I finally figured out what I gunna be. I gunna HELP these girls by touchin’ them. I gunna be … a physical therapist!”
“Now come to pappa young little ladays. I ain’t askin’ fo much ‘nd just tryin’ ta help. All I need is fo’ you to prepar yer anus.”
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