As usual, the past week in sports was a busy one…and no one should be surprised that I have a lot on my mind. There’s certainly no reason to be silent when your week begins with the….
Glasgow Derby. There aren’t many things better than watching a Rangers-Celtic match and thinking about the grand rivalry and its tumultuous history. In case you weren’t aware of the passions surrounding this Scottish blood feud, consider that the referee handed out three red cards AND ejected a manager from the sideline.
Game on, eh?
In case you were wondering, Rangers won 3-2.
Celtic will finish atop the table in the Scottish Premier League, but Rangers weren’t about to allow Celtic to clinch the championship in their house. Passion is a wondrous thing, no? I mention that because passion was so noticeably absent in the recent performances of our very own….
Portland Timbers. Somehow, the lads found a way to concede a goal 28 SECONDS into their road game against New England. They then spent the remaining 89+ minutes chasing the Revs around the pitch, ultimately losing 1-0.
And you wonder why so many Americans hate soccer. It was an ugly display of uninspired soccer that left a lot of Timbers fans scratching their heads in dismay.
The Timbers then came home and gave up two goals in the last four minutes and stoppage time to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. They lost 3-2 to Real Salt Lake, spoiling a stellar two-goal performance by Darlington Nagbe. There can’t be much to celebrate when your defense goes belly-up at the end of a match.
Ah, but the lads certainly looked resplendent in their new alternate kit, eh?
The Timbers have allowed opponents to score first in their first four games, a trend which, if allowed to continue, augurs a long season. Thirty more games of Matador defense will render a Timbers game roughly as dramatic as the execution of one….
Jesse Joe Hernandez. A child murderer executed in Texas’ death chamber, Hernandez couldn’t shed his mortal coil without a shout out to his favorite football team. He might have been trying to ingratiate himself with the Almighty by yelling, “GO COWBOYS!” as the lethal drug cocktail was about to dispatch him to the Great Beyond.
Let’s just hope that God’s a Cowboys fan…and patient. He’s going to need to be, because Tony Romo will lead the Cowboys to the Promised Land at about the same time the Larry O’Brien Trophy is hoisted in triumph by a member of our own….
Portland Trailblazers. Not to toss dirt on the coffin before the lid is closed, but fans won’t have to worry about budgeting for playoff tickets this month. I feel for Kaleb Canales, who wasn’t exactly dealt a full hand from the outset. When the camera pans to Canales pacing the sideline, I half-expect to see DEAD MAN WALKING on a chyron at the bottom of the screen. Canales needs every ounce of the preternatural cheerfulness and positivity he brings to the job, because the product on the floor is D.O.A.
Team Ennui could learn a thing or two about intensity and commitment from the….
Portland Winterhawks. The most motivated and least publicized professional team in Portland, the Hawks are in the WHL playoffs again. Four years after enduring a 22-game losing streak, the Hawks have a legitimate shot of making it to Shawinigan, Quebec for the Memorial Cup tournament. This team believes it can win and that conviction shows in their play and comportment on the ice. Who would have thought that a collection of 16-to 20-year-old kids could show so much heart? The under-motivated collection of pampered, hyper-glandular athletes in short pants across the plaza could learn a thing or six from the Hawks.
Perhaps the Trailblazers should go back to playing their home games in Memorial Coliseum. That way they’d have to walk past the giant photograph of the Hawks team that won the 1998 Memorial Cup. That’s what winners look like, y’all….
Speaking of winners, there’s the….
Vancouver Canucks. The riot that erupted after the Canucks lost Game Seven of last year’s Stanley Cup Finals to Boston is the stuff of legend. Normally placid Canuck fans erupted in rage and disappointment, turning downtown Vancouver into a war zone. No one except a few policemen saw it coming, and once the mob took over, chaos reigned. The miracle is that there weren’t fatalities.
With the Stanley Cup Playoffs just around the corner, Vancouver police and political leaders are doing what they can to prevent a repeat. If there’s to be another riot, though, perhaps city fathers could make the best of a bad situation by selling the broadcast rights to….
Rupert Murdoch. Not content with already owning most of the world’s media outlets, Murdoch’s News Corp. is contemplating launching their own sports network. CBS and NBC have their own sports networks, but Murdoch’s real target would be ESPN. Taking down the Worldwide Leader would be just the sort of thing to make Murdoch feel warm all over.
That said, are we really ready for Sean Hannity guest appearances? And as long as we’re talking about futility, impotence, and bluster, it’s about time we begin pondering the….
Seattle Mariners. I figured out during the winter that if you rearrange the letters in “Seattle Mariners” and translate the result into Latin, it means, “Welcome to yet another 95-loss season.” Let’s not kids ourselves, OK? The Mariners roster is King Felix and 24 guys who’d be buried in AAA in most organizations. After the excitement of Opening Day, the Mariners 2012 season will feature yet another steady, inexorable decline to the basement of the AL West.
Lest anyone think I’m being overly pessimistic, keep in mind that when it comes to baseball, I know frustration. I’m a lifelong fan of the….
Minnesota Twins. Yeah, so they won World Series titles in 1987 and 1991. I still rank those among the happiest days of my life, but even a blind squirrel finds an acorn now and again. Didn’t the Kansas City Royals win a World Series once?
The Twins lost 93 games last season, despite opening a new stadium in downtown Minneapolis. It seems that this small-market team’s years of using smoke and mirrors to make the playoffs have finally caught up with them. This year’s edition is Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, and 23 guys who’d be driving beer trucks now if they’d been drafted by the Yankees.
I digress, but who in their right mind builds an open-air stadium in Minnesota? I can hardly wait for the obligatory “BLIZZARD ON OPENING DAY!” story. It makes about as much sense as building an open-air stadium in north Texas, which is where you’ll find the….
Texas Rangers. I don’t know about you, but I’ve attended a Rangers game in July. I’ve never been to Hell, but I can’t imagine it feels much different than [insert naming rights sponsor du jour here] Ballpark. Hey, it’s a great place to watch a baseball game…if you don’t mind sitting in pools of your own sweat while risking heat stroke. If the Rangers cared about the wellbeing of their fans, they could do worse than to steal a page from the….
Houston Astros. If you’ve ever been in Houston during the summer, you understand that it’s no coincidence that Houston and Hell both begin with “H.” When it came time to leave the concrete mausoleum they call the Astrodome, the Astros designed a state-of-the-art covered and air-conditioned stadium. Minute Maid Park is a wonderful place to take in a ballgame…and not just because it protects fans from the heat, humidity, and mosquitoes.
Minute Maid Park is one of the things that (almost) made living in Houston for 3,722 days (not that I was counting) worth it. With a retractable roof that can be opened in 10 minutes, Minute Maid Park is, IMHO, the best ballpark in Major League Baseball.
Wouldn’t it be something if Portland’s city fathers could find it within themselves to agree on a plan to build a new ballpark? They’d look like heroes by coming through in time to save the….
Portland Beavers. What? The Beavers already left town? For Escondido? Ensenada? Esmeralda? Wait…it’ll come to me….
Man, I’ve got to start paying closer attention to what’s going on in this town….
Well, that’s this week’s communiqué from the Stream of Consciousness desk. Next week I’ll discuss why trading Hasheem Thabeet, Raymond Felton, Tracy Barry, and three cases of Cristal for Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh could work for the Blazers.
Remember, kids; being paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you….
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