Steelers and ‘NSync Slash Fiction Sucks

Here’s what slash fiction is, in case you were wondering. Got it? Gross, but now you understand.

About a month ago or so, we were treated (I use that word lightly) to some disturbing slash fiction involving baseball’s Drew brothers. I’m gonna get to my point quick because this is seriously freaking me out.

I don’t know how old this is, but apparently the Steelers loss in Super Bowl XXX inspired some weird fan to come up with some crazy slash fiction involving ‘NSync and Pittsburgh sports. Specifically…JC and Chris hook up. Don’t ask me why. I don’t come up with this shit…I only make it available to you. Its long, so it’ll be perfect for a long dookie break. Or, considering the subject, it’ll completely ruin your dookie break. Here’s some nasty excerpts:

What really cemented it was Superbowl XXX. The Steelers were taking on the Cowboys, and if anyone hated the Cowboys with the fury of a thousand burning suns, it was a Redskins fan. January 28, 1996, and they were really still a fledgling group but it didn’t matter that day because Chris and JC were brothers in arms, soulmates even, bent on witnessing the humiliation and destruction of the arrogant assholes in the blue and white.

Of course, it didn’t happen that way. Dallas scored in its first three possessions and Chris was so drunk by the end of the half that he could hardly see straight. He didn’t remember much of the rest of the game, except for when Joey dragged him and JC upstairs into his bedroom after they were pretty much ready to pass out.

He probably should have been embarrassed the next morning when he woke up draped over JC, a little wet spot of drool on JC’s shoulder. He didn’t have time, though, because the previous evening’s Rolling Rock was intent on making a reappearance. He was washing his face when JC appeared in the bathroom, bleary-eyed, and rested his head on Chris’s shoulder.

JC endured all sorts of things. Like Chris’s diatribe about Scotty Bowman, who could have been the greatest hockey coach ever until he sold his soul to Detroit. The Steelers’ elimination in either the divisional playoffs or the AFC championships a couple years running. JC made dead sure that Barry Bonds’ name was never uttered on the bus, except with the utmost contempt. It was the little things that endeared him to Chris.

Oh, there’s other Steelers, Pirates and Penguins references in there too if you keep going. I skimmed through as much as I could, but there was no way I was going to read all of that nonsense.

I guess the Steelers can bring anyone together. Even you and that other member of that boy band you’re in that you’ve been lusting over.

I need to go vomit.