The Detroit Lions Only Play is “Go To Jail”

The Detroit Lions sure are cute. I’ve raved about their awesome wide receiver Calvin Johnson, the boner-inducing defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, and have been jealous of their metal music listening head coach in Jim Schwartz. In comparison, I bet Leslie Frazier listens to the Charmels before a game starts. I mean, they’re fine and all, but … Before a game? You’re not having sex on the sidelines, man.

Either way, I’ve started to sour a bit on the Lions recently, and it largely has to do with them having greater success than my favorite team in the Vikings. Now, I DO foresee a crash back to earth this season where they play some middling ball largely because they didn’t upgrade their defense this offseason, and also partially because they’ve turned into a team with a bunch of criminals (says the guy who writes a blog about the Vikings, I get it).

That’s where the Detroit Lions Monopoly board comes into play above. Hilarious! Go To Jail is their only option, the morons! At least there isn’t a square that says “Record an 0-16 Record.” Oops.

I also found a website that tracks all NFL arrests since 2000, by player, team, or position. I did a quick pull for the Lions in 2012 and they already have 6 arrests in there, with some pretty heavy shit:

Date Team Position Name Incident Resolution 6/23/2012 Detroit CB Aaron Berry Arrested on suspicion of DUI after allegedly driving into several parked cars in Pennsylvania. Assigned to diversionary program. 5/27/2012 Detroit DT Nick Fairley Arrested in Mobile, Ala., charged with DUI, trying to elude police. 4/3/2012 Detroit DT Nick Fairley Arrested in Mobile, Ala., charged with marijuana possession. 3/12/2012 Detroit RB Mikel Leshoure Arrested in southwest Michigan, charged with second marijuana possession offense in a month. 2/18/2012 Detroit RB Mikel Leshoure Arrested, charged with marijuana possession in Benton Township, Mich. Pleaded to lesser charge, $485 fine. 1/23/2012 Detroit OT Johnny Culbreath Arrested, charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession in South Carolina. Paid $412 fine.

Does this really only count as 3 though, since Mikel Leshoure and Nick Fairley were arrested twice, separately (amazing, by the way) and Aaron Berry has since been released by the team? I say no, because lick a butthole, Lions. You earned those prison showers.

In comparison, here is the Vikings illustrious list for this year:

Date Team Position Name Incident Resolution 6/2/2012 Minnesota FB Jerome Felton Arrested on suspicion of drunken-driving 4/28/2012 Minnesota RB Caleb King Arrested in relation to assault that fractured a man’s skull. Fight allegedly started after victim said King looked like comedian Eddie Murphy. Cut by team three days later.

They’re clearly a little late on the Adrian Peterson thing, but maybe that’s because HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG, GOD DAMMIT!!!! and because he hasn’t had his trial yet or something. And thankfully Chris Cook was booked in 2011 so people kind of forget about it, even if I haven’t, NOR EVER WILL. Either way, that only pushes us to 3 arrests this year (unless I’m forgetting some? I feel like I am …), which totally isn’t bad! I mean, the Caleb King one is probably way worse than any of the Lions’ marijuana charges, but hey … Maybe that guy should have defended himself better and we wouldn’t have this problem.

And while we’re here talking about the Lions, I found their new logo for the upcoming season too:

Haha, pussies. Either way, we can all stop liking the Lions now and pray for their souls in jail. Nice.