Hello everyone, I’m new here. I’d like to thank the fine peoples of Detroit4Lyfe for having me and of course I’d like to thank my psychiatrist. I previously wrote for a real bare bones site that was infinitely less sophisticated then this one. I’d liken it to Wayne’s World on Aurora public access before that Noah’s Arcade sponsorship fiasco. Besides the inevitable future power struggle, I like it so far.
Well, it’s a week after Flag Day. So, that means it’s high time to evaluate the Tigers position by position. Let’s run through the lineup.
Austin Jackson, CF. The unquestioned leader in the prestigious Rod Allen “I see you’s” competition. I recently reviewed all 68 games and he averages .43 ISY’s per game. At .22 ISY’s per game…Brandon Inge really will need to turn it on.
Johnny Damon, LF/DH. If you read this site, I am confident you have a better arm then Damon. Easily the my favorite thing he’s done this year was at his press conference when he claimed he always wanted to play in Detroit because Steve Yzerman is his favorite hockey player. Also, looks like Beef Supreme from Idiocracy. Yep.
Magglio Ordonez, RF. After receiving flak for his very public support of socialist Hugo Chavez, his numbers dipped tremendously. He started being called “singlio,” “fouledouttofirstbaselio” and most hatefully “moonfacelio.” Now that Obama has successfully transformed the USA into a socialist country he is vastly more comfortable and his #’s show it. While looking for his Chavez commercial I stumbled across this. It’s Magglio playing softball in Venezuela, c’mon.
Miguel Cabrera, 1B/God. He’s putting up MVP video game #’s. His burgeoning jheri curl is the clear cut #2 most important thing about this teams offense. Build this man a statue.
Brennan Boesch, LF/RF. A few games ago Boesch tried to beat out an infield single. Rod Allen excitedly described a sprinting Boesch as “a big wild stallion!” I’d like to think that Allen recently watched Bill and Ted and actually referred to him as “a big Wyld Stallyn!” If he keeps putting #’s up like he is now, expect many “young Ken Griffey Jr.” comparisons to come from Allen. His emergence is keeping us in the AL Central race.
Carlos Guillen, SS/3B/1B/DH/LF/2B. He has all the durability of a medic alert bracelet wearer. His most important contribution so far has been collapsing rounding 3rd in the Angels series allowing us to call up Boesch. I try to get excited about his recent power surge…but then I remember that his achilles heel is doing anything athletic and he will once again go down soon.
Brandon Inge, 3B. He is the Jerome Williams of the Detroit Tigers. Both were inexplicably the fan favorites of their teams. Both wore their socks high and ran into things a lot while demonstrating very limited skill in their sport. I will never forget opening day 2008. I’m sitting among other season ticket holders who were outraged that Miguel Cabrera took his spot at 3B. Inge’s 2007 season of .236 and 14 HR’s was apparently too much to lose to make room for Cabrera. Cabrera hit a HR that game and fans still were vocally calling for Inge to play. It was surreal. I swear if you ever want to endear yourself immediately to Detroit fans…wear your socks high. The Inge phenomenon reminds me of the great Gabe Kapler craze of ’99, except it’s been going on for a decade. On the plus side, he does lead the league in wonderfully absurd arm tattoos.
Alex Avila, C. I’m sure I’m not the first to take note of this, but he is the doppelganger of Jack Parkman from Major League 2. I mean, look at this, it’s uncanny. Anyways, his hitting at the plate has made the ladies of Detroit puke! Sadly, his .236 average makes him far and away our best option at catcher. I’m optimistic his #’s will keep improving now that he is seeing more frequent playing time.
Ramon Santiago, SS/2B. His defense is average. His offense is below average. He is the prototypical utility infielder. One of my friends has taught me something that makes his play much more tolerable and enjoyable. This works best after having an adult beverage or two. Whenever you see his name you have to yell “RAAHHMMONN SAAHHHNNNTTTTEEEAAGGOOO.” Say it exactly like that, he’ll soon be one of your favorites.
Don Kelly. I’d list his positions that he plays but I don’t really know them. I can’t imagine a more generic player/name in all of the MLB. He’s like when you go to create a player mode in a baseball video game and everything is initially blank. The yet to be created player has a generic name, face, body and is usually a 65 overall in every attribute set. That’s Don Kelly. He’s that guy that even the most die hard fans will forget that he was ever on the team during that same season. Don Kelly was probably that guy who was really excited for Transformers 2 to come out. Remember Josh Anderson? Nope? Exactly.
Ryan Raburn, ALL. This man is hell bent on proving that everything he did well last year was a fluke. I am very entertained when he goes after a fly ball…misses…and crashes into the wall. He has done this repeatedly this year and every time has been hilarious.
Gerald Laird, C. His ability at the plate is very comparable to that spaz kid who built sand castles in the infield on your little league team. You’d like to think that at least he’s a good guy, but then you read this. Wow, I love that story so hard.
Stay tuned for the pitchers update.
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