The Junk #3

Originally posted on “Is It Sports?” by Ryan. You can again see Ryan’s frustration with me for not posting stuff quickly in this post, which led to the creation of this site. Ryan talks about baseball and hockey suspensions, Star Wars, Drew Rosenhaus, and washed up 90s comedians.

Back once again for another edition of The Junk for August (even though it may not get posted until September).

– First, let’s talk about hockey. And baseball. Together. There is an uproar in both sports right now about relegated suspensions of a player. For hockey, Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi was allowed to return to the game after being suspended for what was effectively 20 games after his sucker punch to Colorado Av Steve Moore. Baseball is dealing with its own relegated suspension, that of Texas Ranger Kenny Rogers and his attack on not one, not two, but three cameramen. I am likewise outraged. But only by one of the two.

Now, Todd Bertuzzi’s attack was vicious, to be sure, but the truth is, enforcers do that type of thing, though not typically with the tragic results they had. Perhaps if I likened that to baseball the point would be made better. If Kenny Rogers had done the equivalent in a baseball game, i.e. protect his players, he would have thrown at a batter. Now, let’s say the throw was retaliatory and had caused massive injuries, as was the case with Bertuzzi. Kenny Rogers has just nailed someone in the face, and he is suspended for about 5 games. His intent was just the same, and a baseball to the face can end a career just as easily as what Bertuzzi did to Moore can end a hockey career. Therefore, a 20 game suspension was justified, almost a little overkill. But with the reputation hockey has, a lengthy suspension was absolutely necessary.

Now reverse that. Think of what would happen if you did what Kenny Rogers did. Let’s say that the delivery man who annoyed you was bringing some General Tso’s chicken to one of your coworkers. You walk past him, tell him to leave, but he can’t. He has to deliver Chinese food like the cameraman had to deliver the sports report. He doesn’t leave, so you knock the food out of his hands. He tries to pick it up, so you shove it in his face. You would get arrested, right? So then, on your way to the police station, you see a hot dog vendor, and you verbally abuse him where everyone can see you. Now tell me. Would you get fired? I think you would. Kenny Rogers, for doing what was essentially the same thing, was suspended for less than two weeks. Not only that, he missed only two starts. If there was anyone who should have had the lifetime suspension, it was Kenny Rogers.

The hardest part of this is that the commissioner could mandate Bertuzzi’s fair suspension. Shiam Das, an independent arbiter mandated the Rogers reduced suspension. Bud Selig, as much as I can’t stand him, shouldn’t have his power usurped like that.

– Stay with me here. This is for all you people who have seen the original Star Wars movie and at the same time, have listened to the Ying Yang Twins. Ok. There is a sound associated with both that is the exact same. When Luke Skywalker got attacked by the Sandpeople and Obi Wan Kenobi scares them off he makes a noise like some sort of dragon or something. Now, think of every single Ying Yang Twins song, for reference, how about The Whisper Song? Now, right before the chorus, they do that “WHOOOOO” thing that they do in every song they have ever made. It’s the SAME sound that Obi Wan made.

Ok, now I feel ridiculous.

– Why is Drew Rosenhaus famous? Well, clearly, he should be in the news what with his association with professional athletes, but seriously. Does he need to be on Letterman? Does he need to be interviewed repeatedly by ESPN? No. And for the record, Pat Riley wore the exact same haircut much better.

– I’m thrilled that the talentless comedians of the early nineties are beginning to fall either flat on their face or into roles that suit them better. David Spade has fallen into the roll of an annoying telemarketer, which is the perfect fit. Rob Schneider has another movie out. Nobody will think it’s funny, but it will be replayed on Spike or TBS at least three times a week. Then there is Pauley Shore. I guess he has some show on some obscure network. Nobody is going to watch it.

Actually, I just saw Shore on Letterman the other night (wow two mentions in one post) and he clearly realizes that in his previous life, he was annoying as hell. Kudos to him on self awareness and personal growth.

Still no sightings of Carrot Top, however.

– With the Twins season falling apart as rapidly as a West African democracy, I need to find other ways to spend my time. Madden ’06 is now in my possession. While there are thousands of other reviews out there for you to look into, let me tell you something. It’s the greatest 50 dollars I’ve ever spent. Ever. So I need to go now. – Ryan