The Lost Transcript: Chris Chelios Auditions for IPhone Commercial

Boy, have I got my hands on something special for the Monday morning post. As it turns out, Detroit Red Wings defender Chris Chelios auditioned to be in one of those IPhone commercials earlier in the year*. I’ve got my hands on a copy of the transcript from it (the video tape was too hard to come by) and present it to you without any further fluff.

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Date: September 3, 2007

Location: Detroit, MI

Event: IPhone Casting Call

So this one time, I was sitting on the bench during a game and we were losing real bad. It was like the New England Patriots decided to play hockey. We were just getting stomped out.

Anyway, Ozzy said he heard about this new phone that could basically do anything. He said we should all buy one, cause then we would start winning. I was like, “Ozzy, it’s a phone. Be serious.” He was dead serious, though. I could hear it in his voice.

“Grandpa, I’m dead serious,” he said. “This phone is the real deal. I know we’re down 11-0, but if we were to go out and buy a couple during intermission, I know we’d be winning in no time!”

Even Nicky Lidstrom chimed in; “Nej , han er absolut rätt.”

I still wasn’t convinced, but reluctantly accepted cause I’m a team player and all.

“Nicky, you know I can’t understand Swedish,” I said. “but I’ll trust you on this one Ozzy, as long as you give me gas money to get to the store.”

We went and got them during the intermission and as soon as we opened the boxes, you could tell these things were special. I scored 100 goals in the first 30 seconds of the third period, and Ozzy actually made a couple saves. Heck, even Nicky learned to speak English. It was amazing. I’ve never seen a phone do those things before. Best of all, we ended up winning the game 111,076 to -20. I’ve been a believer ever since, and none of us ever step on the ice without our IPhones.

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Impressive Linguistic Talents will be up later tonight…

* – Not true.
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