No, no, don’t worry. It’s not returning to Minnesota (what offense?!), but the fondly remembered “Kick Ass Offense” of the Brad Childress era may be migrating south to the land of Johnny Depp pirates and alligator marshes, swashbucklers and SEC Speed. Yes, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are interviewing former Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress for an equal position after they recently fired Raheem Morris for doing an adequate job. So just think, the next time you see Big Bad and Bald may be in Florida, or as I know it …
THE DEEP SOUTH.
Actually, I’m from Minnesota. Anything south of Des Moines is the deep south as far as I’m concerned. But having been to Florida to dip my toes in her sandy beaches and salty, oil strewn waters, I can say shit is weird down there. Also, I’m watched like four minutes of Swamp People on the History channel, which tells me all I need to know about what happens in that state. Likewise, even though I fully understand that Tampa Bay isn’t nearly as frightening of a place to visit as, say, Miami would be (DON’T GO DOWN THERE YOU WILL NEVER RETURN VOODOO MAGIC STUFF), I do still find it incredibly hilarious to imagine Brad Childress coaching in south Florida. Imagine …
- Would his fake visor/Ian Poulter get up become a necessity?
- Would he tan? Would the increased sun exposure force him to always use sun block on his noggin’ on the practice fields?
- What would his psychology degree teach him about the retirees in Florida? Would it straight BREAK his mind?
- Do the Vikings play Tampa Bay next year? Oh please god let the Vikings play Tampa Bay next year if Childress is hired.
- Would Naufahu Tahi be willing to move from his early retirement home in no-one-cares to Tampa Bay for three seasons and a twelfth man penalty?
- We know that Bucs quarterback Josh Freeman can actually throw the ball down field, so will he be benched when he can’t accurately complete a two yard dump off pass to the full back?
- When will Mike Williams be unceremoniously cut?
- Picture the scene of LaGarret Blount and Brad Childress having a civil conversation where Childress crosses the line and Blount lays his shit out
Personally, I cannot WAIT for this to happen. Unfortunately, I see the Bus are also interviewing tubbo Wade Phillips, Mike Sherman, and Mike Zimmer, all three who are probably also terrible choices. Could Tampa actually become a team jealous of the Vikings in the near future?! I say yes.
In conclusion, when told about the possible hiring of Childress by NFL Network reporter Rich Eisen, that fat SOB Warren Sapp did probably the only appreciable thing in his entire life by reacting like so:
OK, fat butt, good for you. You made me agree with you. You’ve moved up to notch -10 on a 1-5 scale. Congrats.
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