The Vikings Chances? Sickening.

Just looking at the Vikings this year, I think I’m going to be sick. And I haven’t even seen those new uniforms in motion. But just taking one look at their offense this year, paricularly when they run or throw, it looks pretty nauseating. Let’s break down the roster a little bit, and you’ll see what I mean.
QB – Brad Johnson is old. I know we in Minnesota love our old righthanded throwers named Brad (see: Radke) but in football, they are supposed to move around a little bit too, which the Vikings version of Old Brad doesn’t do. Behind him they have the hope for the future, Tavares Jackson. Fun fact: no quarterback named Tavares has ever led his team to the Super Bowl. But the Vikings do have the best third string QB in the league in Mike McMahon, Donovan McNabb’s backup the past few years. But I don’t see much promise in this set of QBs.
RB – GROAAAAAAAN. That would be my stomach gurgling. I feel a little ill looking at a backfield which features Tony Richardson (a fullback) as it’s only established runner. Chester Taylor, the starting halfback, went to Toledo and has never been a feature back before. And if he goes down, we can always rely on Mewelde Moore who will probably already be hurt, Ciatrick Faison or some guy named Wendell. Or Adimchinobe. GROAAAAAAAAN!
WR – OK, maybe I had a little bit of hyperbole in describing the previous two positions, and their effect on my well being. But the wide receiver corps just gives me a hangover even thinking about Koren Robinson. See, Koren got cut because of a DWI (up there with T.O. causing problems in Dallas in the ‘Who saw that coming?’ Hall of Fame) and left us with a second year player who proved nothing his first year, Travis Taylor who flat sucks, and Marcus Robinson who was relevant 6 years ago. The way I see it, since this corps is a joke, we go with an all South Carolina 1-2 punch with Troy Williamson and Robinson (the one not in jail), or we go with the all white 1-2 punch, with Ryan Hoag and Kevin Kasper. The only problem is that having two receivers from South Carolina doesn’t even work at South Carolina, and the last time a team went with all white receivers, the forward pass wasn’t really an effective tool used in the NFL. At least our tight ends aren’t bad.
OL – Our offensive line is a good antacid, soothing the heartburn the skill positions have given me. Of course, this means Ciatrick Faison will just run into Steve Hutchinson and we’ll watch Brad Johnson have a mental breakdown in a pocket that won’t collapse while he looks for a receiver, any receiver, that will actually catch the ball when he throws it to him.
DL – Yay! Something that makes me smile! Not only are they good, they are getting better. The only problems will arise if Pat Williams needs to go in for a gastric bypass, or becomes otherwise injured. Kenechi Udeze and Erasmus James are very promising, very quick and very dangerous at the ends. If we won’t be able to run the ball, we won’t let anyone else either.
LB – Oh… there’s that gross “I need to throw up” feeling again. The linebacking corps is filled with standouts like Dontarrius Thomas and E.J. Henderson. That’s a whole lot of not good. With first round pick Chad Greenway shelved earlier, Napoleon Harris gets to rejoin one of the aforementioned and new acquisition Ben Leber, the only player from this group who is better than a member of this year’s Northwestern Wildcats.
DB – Assuming Fred Smoot keeps his pants on while seafaring, we have a pair of decent cornerbacks in Smoot and Antoine Winfield. Darren Sharper is a good safety. Willie Offord is not. Three for four. Unless, of course, Smoot feels the need to have some more maritime hijinks. Ooh, seasick. That would be the reference to illness I needed for continuity.
Well, the Vikings are fortunate they play in a crappy division in a crappy conference. They still may pull of a 7-9 record despite themselves, and the thing is, I’ll feel dirty for having watched it.At least the special teams might give me something to cheer about. Chris Kluwe and Ryan Longwell might be able to win one for them. One. – Ryan