Three More Weeks of Nothing

Other than possibly getting a sweet tax return back (and thanks for killing that, Obama) this is the worst goddamn time of the year for a sports fan.  Football is gone, basketball still sucks, hockey is somewhat distracting, and as far as I know various redneck racing sports haven’t started yet (go, Danica Patrick!) (and I wouldn’t care if they had started because watching auto racing is even more boring than watching golf).  Now that James Shield has finally signed a deal there is absolutely nothing of interest to happen in baseball between now and when spring training games start.  Sure, you can speculate about how fat Trout will be when he shows up to Tempe (I’m guessing: not very) or if Cliff Lee will be traded (short answer: no) or what team the various Cubans will sign with (other than “not the Angels”) but those are minor distractions that won’t fill up an hour, much less a full day at work trying to kill time without actually working.  It’s a distressing time, indeed, but fear not because I’m here to save the day.  I have a few activities for the Angels fan that will keep you busy until the meaningless spring training games start.  

I can’t think of an Advent calendar without thinking about this kid:

But yeah, you could make a sweet baseball Advent calendar that goes from March 14 – April 6.  For the Angels fan,  the prayers could be Scioscia-isms like “Lord teach me how to turn the page and tip my cap” and Mota-isms such as “Jesus, help me play good enough until last out until also something good happens for me.”  Gifts could include things like a life-sized Eckstein glove, an imitation Aybar grill, or a lock of CJ Wilson’s hair.

BSOHL has become a spring training cliché, but you never hear fans talking about it.  This needs to happen. I’ve joked before about a “Men of Angelswin.com” charity calendar, probably for blind women.  Why should BSOHL be limited to baseball players?  There are plenty of fatasses here (myself included) that could use a little extra motivation.  Make it a contest, and then (to recycle an old idea) keep it going throughout the season.  For every game, do 20 pushups for every run the Angels score.  10 crunches for every run they give up (your abs will love you when CJ is on the mound).  15 eight-count bodybuilders if they win, 10 if they lose.  Run a mile for every game in their current winning or losing streak.  Who’s with me?  We can do it!  I pledge to donate $5 for every pound I lose to the legit charity of my choice at the ASB.  It may be a charity that trains helper monkeys (pray for Mojo) or gets handies for disabled vets, but I’m gonna do it.  Donate, not give handies to vets.  I love vets but my love has limits.

I recently got married after being in a relationship for four years, so my now-wife knows what to expect when the baseball season starts: she’ll still be first fiddle but the second fiddle will take up much more of my time than it has been.  She’s used to that but it doesn’t mean I can’t make the next month or so extra-nice to soften the blow, and you should do the same.  That most horrible of all holidays, Valentine’s Day, is coming up so you have a chance to spoil that special person in your life.  Pay attention to her or him and actually listen to what she or he has to say for once, instead of just nodding along.  Significant others dig that kind of stuff.  Send a card and a gift that requires at least a modicum of thought.  Give them a backrub that doesn’t turn “sensual” until at least five minutes into it.  Remind that person of why she or he loves you.  I know, that’s asking a lot but you’re gonna get the next seven months off.  It’ll be worth it.  If all you have is a pet, take that pet for an extra-long walk, even if that pet is a cat or a gerbil or a goldfish.  Goldfish love to be walked!  If your pet is a gerbil, give it a week off from tunnel duty, if you catch my drift, you filthy pervert.

This covers a wide swath.  If you tie it in with Valentine’s day you can create a bun in your significant other’s oven, or incubate said bun if you’re the fairer sex.  I don’t recommend that because kids always rebel against their parents and as Angels fans that means your kids will become fans of either the Dodgers, Red Sox, or Yankees and there are already too damn many of those, but if that’s what you want to create then don’t let me stop you.  Climb aboard!  Paint a picture of Mike Scioscia with a tear in his eye, thinking about Mathis.  Whittle some old bowling pins to look like current Angels players.  Plant a garden.  Find your muse, whatever it is, and run with it.  Muses love running.  

Seriously, go, even if it’s only for the main event on Friday.  I’ll miss it again this year and I’m already regretting it, and I don’t want you to feel that same regret.  If you’re on the fence I can assure you it’s worth it and you’ll have a blast.  It’s a great time with people that you have at least one thing in common with, and that’s a great place to start.  You’ll leave Tempe with a great feeling about the upcoming season, and if you already feel that way you’ll feel even greater about it.  If you do go, do everything you can to attend the Sunday morning Q&A with Tim Mead.  That’s always my favorite part.

Well duh.  For the record, when I picture the average AngelsWin.com poster I always think of this kid:

AKA “pulling a Rogers Hornsby.”

AKA “pulling either a Kendry Morales or a Roger Hornsby.”  I gotta admit, Glens McKee has a nice ring to it.  I’m surprised Rickey Henderson didn’t do this.  “You can just call me ‘Rickeys Henderson’ from now on.  I’m so good I’ve moved on from the singular to the plural.”  God, I loves me some Rickeys Henderson and wish we still had him in the game.  He should be on the Angels staff, even if they have to create a position for him a la what John Kalodner had on albums in the 70s and 80s.  (If you look at the credits in the liners from just about any Atlantic/Geffen release there’s a credit that says “John Kalodner: John Kalodner.”  Ricky could be our baseball John Kalodner.  Press release: “The Angels have hired Rickey Henderson to be the Rickey Henderson for the team.  He’ll be performing Rickey Henderson duties.”)

So there you have it, plenty of ways to keep busy until the real fun begins on April 6.  Knock yourself out, have a good time until then, and get ready because it’s gonna be a fun season.