Being a fan of an NBA team chasing championship dreams be an exhilarating experience that creates a lifetime of memories. Particularly if they ever reach that Promised Land and are able to bring home the coveted Larry O’Brien Trophy. Yet, even if they don’t ever quite reach that lofty heights of NBA Champion, a nice playoff run and the hope for more the following season still make for a most enjoyable fan experience.
Being the fan of an NBA team rebuilding its roster for the future, on the other hand, can be a challenging endeavor for even the most dedicated and optimistic of fanatics. This is especially true when that rebuild comes on the heels of a surprising (and demoralizing) offseason that saw 80% of one of the top starting units in the game leave town, unceremoniously ending any hope for immediate success. Behind it, leaving a hodgepodge of young talent and spare parts to fill the void left by the team’s departed stars. Oh, and the dizzying array of losses that come with an unproven roster that has virtually no experience playing together entering the season.
Woe is life for Blazer fans in 2015.
And, while there is plenty of hope in the air for one of the NBA’s youngest rosters, 2016 will almost certainly bring more of the same as the final months of the year before: an endless array of heart-stopping losses mixed with soul-crushing defeats, a dash of youthful exuberance, and a heap of the frustrating inconsistencies that come with it all.
Of course, it’s not all doom and gloom as a rebuilding team in the NBA, thanks to the magic that is the NBA Draft. Thanks to the seemingly endless stream of star-power flowing into the league in recent years, it can be argued that every NBA season has two winners: the NBA Champion and the team whose lucky ping pong ball gets pulled at the annual NBA Draft Lottery. If you’re not gonna be first, then you might as well try to collect as many losses as you can (and the ping pong balls that come with them).
That means that for a rebuilding team like the 2015-16 Portland Trail Blazers, in a weird, twisted sort of way, losses are like wins, and wins are like losses.
Of course, not all losses are the same, particularly for a team attempting to develop young, inexperienced talent into championship-caliber winners. Ideally, you want a nice mix of both success and failure in order to build confidence, but to also provide plenty of teachable moments along the way. You want them to learn how to be winners, but, to also accumulate the most losses as you can so that you can continue to build your roster through the draft.
That’s why, as savvy fans, you start to look for creative new ways for your rebuilding team to lose games. You start looking for those fluke losses that are the perfect combination of unlucky and unlikely to ever happen again. The kinds of losses that turn a borderline playoff team, into a team with a legit shot at snagging the #1 overall pick in the upcoming draft. Ideally, you end up with the talent of a 41-win team, but the ping pong balls of a 26-win team. That’s the theory anyways. It’s a delicate balance, to say the least.
And, it’s with that delicate balance in mind that I present to you my top 10 ways I want to see the Blazers lose this season:
#10
In one of the highest scoring regulation length games in NBA history, the up-and-coming Timberwolves hold off the precocious Blazers 139-138, despite Damian Lillard, CJ McCollum, Meyers Leonard and Mason Plumlee all putting up 30 points or more on the night (an NBA record). Of course, that isn’t the lead story. That’s because, Ricky Rubio, shooting a hair over 15% from beyond the arc coming into the night, sets an NBA single-game record as he shoots an unconscionable 13 of 13 from 3, including a full court hook shot as time expires to set the record and win the game. After the final shot, a befuddled Meyers Leonard plops down on the court and softly weeps into his jersey for 12 solid minutes.
#9
With 8 seconds left and the score knotted at 108, Lillard drives into the lane and finds Moe Harkless in the corner for an open look for the go-ahead 3. Splash! Blazers lead, Blazers lead!
[Twwweeeeeeet]A suddenly mustachioed Scott Foster calls Harkless for a flagrant foul, for [allegedly] “kicking” a hard charging Aaron Afflalo on his follow through. An incensed Terry Stotts goes ballistic and gets ejected with a double technical foul, leading to a 7 point Knicks victory after all the free throws have been taken. Conveniently, this just covers the 6.5 point spread on the game.
After the game, Foster is found tied up in a storage closet. An examination of security cameras shows former referee Tim Donaghy dragging a passed out Foster into the closet during halftime, and then walking out moments later as he presses on a costume mustache. The NBA responds by releasing a “Last 2 Minute Report” that simply says: “Better luck next time.”
#8
After taking down the Blazers using Rubio’s 3-point barrage in the previous meeting, the Blazers welcome Minnesota into the Moda Center, dialed in and looking for a payback win. And, when Ricky Rubio rolls his ankle early in the first quarter, it seemed as though revenge would come a little easier. At least, that’s what you’d think.
Instead, the Blazers are “treated” to a game performance for the ages, as Andre Miller gets steps in for the hobbled Spaniard and proceeds to put on a show the likes of which has never been seen. Literally. The ageless wonder does the unthinkable, hitting more 3-pointers in one night than he did in the entirety of his 2-seasons in Portland combined, Miller breaks the record Rubio set just less than two months prior, hitting 14 3-pointers on his way to his second career 50-point game and a 4 point Timberwolves win.
Further video review of Miller’s incredible performance reveals that not only was there not a single jump shot attempted among his long-distance barrage, but he also never lost contact with the floor in any capacity for the entirety of the game.
#7
Playing against NBA wunderkind Anthony Davis, Meyers Leonard has a career night, hitting 7 three pointers on his way to 41 points to go with 22 rebounds and 3 blocks. A clearly frustrated Davis is ejected early in the fourth quarter, after Leonard’s third two-handed and-one dunk of the half elicits a flurry of slaps from Pelican’s star. However, despite Meyer’s Chamberlain-esque performance, the Blazers still manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, as Damian Lillard sets an NBA record by going 0-23 from the floor, in the 97-95 loss.
After the dominating display, Leonard becomes known around the league as The Beautician, for his unparalleled ability to “Wax The Brow”.
#6
After being down by 9 with 4 minutes to play, the Blazers scrap back against the defending champs, taking a 1 point lead with 12 seconds left, but, with the Warriors poised for a final shot. Not being one to shy away from the moment, Damian Lillard asks to guard basketball savant Steph Curry. Lillard does a remarkable job denying him the ball for 8 seconds, before the reigning NBA MVP finally gets the ball with about 3 seconds on the shot clock, sprinting towards the sideline to get away from his locked-on defender. Unable to stop his momentum, all Curry can do is loft a high arching shot as he fades out of bounds with the determined Lillard draped all over him. Not surprisingly, the ball falls about 3 feet short of the rim…
But with 0.1 seconds left on the clock (as determined by a lengthy review), the moonshot 3-point attempt hits Andrew Bogut in the top of the head (as he shoves Mason Plumlee to the floor, of course), bounces up, and gently rolls over the front of the rim for the win most improbable of wins, improving the Warriors’ record to a mind-bottling 36-0.
#5
After leading by as many as 17 in the game, the Houston Rockets come all the way back behind James Harden’s 20 questionable free throws to cut the lead to 3 with only 6 seconds remaining. Playing the odds, the Blazers attempt to foul Harden as he brings the ball up the court for the final shot, but, Harden anticipates the contact and elevates for the “shot” from mid-court. Realizing he isn’t going to get the call (for once), Harden sends a wild, flailing pass across the court which miraculously finds its way into a streaking Corey Brewer, who hits a running, one-legged three-pointer with under a second left on the clock to send the game to overtime.
With momentum all on the side of the home team, the Blazers drop a heartbreaker in OT on the road.
I mean, talk about a ridiculous and unimaginable way to lose a game, right? Right?!
#4
As Mike Rice is delivering his Ford Keys to the Game to Blazer faithful everywhere, confirmed troll Joey Crawford is ejecting Damian Lillard prior to the opening tip for “spitting his mouth guard” at the veteran official, after it accidentally drops from the Blazer captain’s mouth as hugs close friend Wesley Matthews prior to the start of the game. The ensuing fracas following the shocking ejection causes a 15-minute delay as the Moda Center crowd hurls sodas, nachos and domestic lagers (c’mon, you think we’re wasting a delicious IPA?) onto the court in protest. Crawford proceeds to T-up every fan he personally sees throwing an object on the court, leading to the Dirk shooting 23 technical free throws to start the game, hitting 20 of them.
Despite the early 20 point hole, the Blazers play well, pulling within 3 with 4 minutes left, before the comeback fizzles out, and the Blazers fall 117-112, despite outscoring the Mavericks 112-97 after the opening tip without their All-Star point guard.
#3
You knew this playoff rematch between the Blazers and Grizzlies would come down to the wire when, after the end of the third quarter, the largest lead of the game for either team was 3 points. That being said, no one could have predicted that this seemingly routine mid-season game would turn into a certifiable classic, becoming the NBA’s first ever 5 overtime game. If that wasn’t crazy enough, the rough and tumble game sees another NBA record set, as the Blazers have an astounding nine players foul out of the game. In accordance with NBA Rules, once the 9th player fouls out, the first player to foul out (in this case, Mason Plumlee) is allowed to re-enter, with the stipulation that every foul he commits is a technical foul.
With Blazers up 3 and 12 seconds left in the game, a touch foul by Plumlee leads to the most unusual of and-1’s in which the Grizzlies get the bucket, a free throw, and a technical free throw to take the lead. A Tim Frazier jumper rims out, as the Grizzlies take home the bizarre victory, 101-100.
#2
Continuing the long tradition of heartwarming publicity stunts by sports franchises, the Phoenix Suns brought in 8-year old leukemia patient Conner Stevens of Maricopa, AZ to get the chance of a lifetime: to sign a real, honest-to-goodness NBA contract with his favorite team. The one-day contract makes little Conner a full-fledged member of team, as he gets to warm up with the team, wear his own personalized jersey, and even gets to sit on the bench with the staff and team. It’s just another heart-warming tale of sports making dreams come true…. Or is it?
That’s because, with just under a minute to play and the game knotted at 104, a fracas breaks out near the Suns bench, leading to a 18-minute delay and an astounding 11 total ejections, 7 of them Suns. With mid-season injuries piling up, and only 4 healthy players remaining, the Suns turn to their newest signee to fill actually play the final 47 seconds of the game. That, in and of itself is quite remarkable, but, it pales in comparison to what happens next.
After an empty possession by the Blazers, the Suns take a timeout to set their final play. Playing the odds (and not wanting to accidentally injure an 8-year old cancer patient), the Blazers forgo defending young Conner. That would turn out to be a mistake, as the young basketball-fan-turned-player finds himself in the right place at the right time, picks up a loose ball in the closing seconds and miraculously drains a 12-foot baseline “jumper” for the win, and the single greatest SportsCenter highlight of all time.
#1
After three quarters of progressively vitriolic condemnation during the season’s final game, a clearly drunk Mike Rice finally loses it and heaves his courtside vodka tonic at Tony Brothers, before stumbling on to the court after vehemently protesting a touch foul in the final minutes. The Wild One then refuses to leave the court until the veteran whistle-blowers admits publically that he is the most incompetent referee in organized basketball and possibly all of sport. After a 45 minute standoff with arena security and local police, an exasperated Brothers has finally had enough and rules the game a forfeit, awarding the game to LA’s thirty-third favorite form of entertainment, despite the Blazers holding a 95-90 lead when The Wild One blew a gasket.
After the game, owner Paul Allen somewhat surprisingly stood by the longtime Blazer icon by saying simply: “It was a garbage call, and I stand by Ricey 100%.” The event becomes a rallying cry for the entire organization heading into the offseason, and many will one day point to this outburst as a moment that brought this young team together and led to the decade-long run of dominance that follows.
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