In light of this year’s incredibly dull deadline, Red’s Army presents a team-by-team look at who wasn’t moved, and why they weren’t.
Atlanta Hawks
Player they should’ve traded: Al Horford
Why they didn’t trade him: Apparently no one else in the league was willing to send one or more starters and a high draft pick to Atlanta in return for 90 days of the Al Horford experience.
Boston Celtics
Player they should’ve traded: David Lee
Why they didn’t trade him: Billy King got fired.
Brooklyn Nets
Player they should’ve traded: Brook Lopez
Why they didn’t trade him: Their GM was a warm spot on a chair up until about fifteen minutes before the trade deadline.
Charlotte Hornets
Player they should’ve traded: The number 9 pick in the 2015 NBA draft
Why they didn’t trade him: Because Michael Jordan is not the Michael Jordan of GMs.
Chicago Bulls
Player they should’ve traded: Derrick Rose
Why they didn’t trade him: New team’s physical would reveal that Rose is held together with duct tape and rubber bands
Cleveland Cavaliers
Player they should’ve traded: Kevin Love
Why they didn’t trade him: Because if they’ve got Kevin Love nobody else has him. Even if they don’t know what to do with him.
Dallas Mavericks
Player they should’ve traded: Deron Williams
Why they didn’t trade him: Same reason as the Celtics—Billy King got fired.
Denver Nuggets
Player they should’ve traded: Danilo Gallinari
Why they didn’t trade him: The team, for no readily apparent reason, thinks that they’ll be good soon.
Detroit Pistons
Player they should’ve traded: Marcus Morris
Why they didn’t trade him: Because they didn’t have time to send him back to Phoenix after Markieff was traded to Washington.
Golden State Warriors
Player they should’ve traded: Klay Thompson. For Kevin Love in 2014.
Why they didn’t trade him: Bob Myers is smarter than that.
Houston Rockets
Player they should’ve traded: Dwight Howard
Why they didn’t trade him: I don’t know, Daryl, what do you think an aging center is worth? Especially one with health problems, attitude problems, free throw shooting problems and a likely insistence on a contract for over $100M.
Indiana Pacers
Player they should’ve traded: George Hill
Why they should’ve traded him: The Spurs traded George Hill for Kawhi Leonard, so imagine what Larry Bird could get for him!
LA Clippers
Player they should’ve traded: Blake Griffin
Why they didn’t trade him: The coach of the Clippers would’ve lost all confidence in the Clippers’ GM.
LA Lakers
Player they should’ve traded: D’Angelo Russell
Why they didn’t trade him: Because the Lakers are more of an unethical psychology experiment at this point in time than an actual basketball team.
Memphis Grizzlies
Player they should’ve traded: Matt Barnes
Why they didn’t trade him: Because they decided to corner the market on crazy instead.
Miami Heat
Player they should’ve traded: Justise Winslow
Why they didn’t trade him: Because Michael Jordan and Pat Riley are having too much fun playing ‘keep away’ from arch-nemesis Ainge.
Milwaukee Bucks
Player they should’ve traded: Michael Carter-Williams
Why they didn’t trade him: Because Jason Kidd’s the only guy dumb enough to trade a starter and a pick for him.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Player they should’ve traded: Ricky Rubio
Why they didn’t trade him: It would seem that the market for extremely fragile point guards isn’t quite as good as than the market for extremely fragile power forwards.
New Orleans Pelicans
Player they should’ve traded: Kendrick Perkins
Why they didn’t trade him: Too late! Memphis already traded Jeff Green to the Clippers.
New York Knicks
Player they should’ve traded: Kristaps Porzinghis
Why they didn’t trade him: FREE KRISTAPS!!
Oklahoma City Thunder
Player they should’ve traded: Kevin Durant, since Stephen A. said he’s going to Los Angeles anyway.
Why they didn’t trade him: Because Stephen A.’s mouth is rarely connected to his brain.
Orlando Magic
Player they should’ve traded: Elfrid Payton
Why they didn’t trade him: His hair has been declared a wildlife preserve by the state of Florida
Philadelphia 76ers
Player they should’ve traded: Jahlil Okafor or Nerlens Noel
Why they didn’t trade him: Because they want to be the first team to have a roster of nothing but centers.
Phoenix Suns
Player they should’ve traded: Markieff Morris
Why they didn’t trade him: Are you kidding me? Who would be dumb enough… to… uh…. Hmm. Really? And for a first round draft pick? Wow.
Portland Trail Blazers
Player they should’ve traded: Damian Lillard
Why they didn’t trade him: Because why bottom out when you can get curb-stomped by the best in the West year after year?
Sacramento Kings
Player they should’ve traded: Everybody
Why they didn’t trade them: Vlade and Vivek decided to trade everybody, then changed their minds and fired the ball boy instead. To send a message.
San Antonio Spurs
Player they should’ve traded: Boban Marjanovic
Why they didn’t trade him: Because he was secretly assembled out of the largest pieces of at least eight other European players, and Pop doesn’t want anyone else to find out. Think Frankenhooker, but with basketball.
Toronto Raptors
Player they should’ve traded: Either DeMarre Carroll or DeMar DeRozan because that’s confusing
Why they didn’t trade him: Because it’s not that confusing.
Utah Jazz
Player they should’ve traded: Gordon Haywood.
Why they didn’t trade him: Because if they’ve got two of Brad Stevens’ old players, maybe he’ll come and coach them.
Washington Wizards
Player they should’ve traded: Nene Hilario
Why they didn’t trade him: Because if Hillary Clinton is elected, so many marketing opportunities!
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