Tuesdays With Moron – Home Opener Edition

Welcome to another Tuesdays w/Moron. We thought it would be OK to bring it back from the abyss, so, we’ll give it another run. Feel free to share (plus any story ideas are always welcome).

Ah, opening day. Not exactly opening day, that was last week. But, HOME opener, Seattle Mariners edition. Today is the day that the Junior Griffey fans have been waiting for since he was traded so many years ago. Sure, we had the welcome back Junior love-in when the Reds came here in ’07, but today is going to be much, much different. Prepare for a lot of #24 jerseys, standing ovations, and fathers pointing to their kids and telling stories about the shell of the ballplayer who used to dominate the game.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Junior. LOVED the idea to reacquire him and have been hoping for this day for many years. His whole rise in the wild 90’s, talk about a great time to be alive in Seattle. All the games we used to go to, and all those HR’s in that dingy basement of a ballpark. And that 1997 MVP season – .304, 56 HR, 147 RBI and gold-glove defense in center? As a non-steroid player in a juiced up era? That’s gotta be one of the greatest seasons in the history of the game for a center fielder.

But while the team has had an amazing opening week, sitting at 5-2 (best record in the AL??), he hasn’t done much. There was the opening day jack, and that was great! But otherwise it’s been a lot of walks, popups and groundouts, a mere 2-for-15 on the young season. He doesn’t look exactly dialed in or comfortable at the plate, and you can see the timing is just off a smidge. Maybe that happens when you reach age 39 and try to catch up to mid-90’s heat in the big leagues? But here’s hoping he can pick it up. Still awfully early to be discouraged about his slow start.

Or to be honest, it’s too early to have illusions of greatness for the ballclub. I’m giddy at the start, and the team has won some tough games, getting strong pitching and unbelievable defense (once Ichiro is back, and it’s an Endy Chavez-Franklin Gutierrez-Ichiro outfield? It may be the greatest Seattle outfield defense of all-time). Gutierrez especially, wow, that kid looks SPECIAL in center, doesn’t he? As Dave Niehaus screamed last week, this kid is “DEATH TO FLYING THINGS!”

But let’s see how they look in a month. It’s what, 1/24th of the season now in the books? A LONG marathon ahead. Every team, even the awfulest bunch of awfuls who ever awfuled, are capable of a good week here and there? But as long as they continue to get strong pitching and flash the amazing leather on defense, they could make things pretty interesting this summer.

Speaking of opening day, last week saw the rounds of all the first pitches and big-time national anthem performances. And when you have this many ceremonial first pitches, you are bound to see some awful ones, right? It’s just the sheer volume of the deal that virtually guarantees some awfulness. While I didn’t catch anything in particular, I was reminded about the unbelievable suckiness of one Carl Lewis. Yep, that Carl Lewis. Remember the gold medals and all that? That was great. But can the man throw a baseball? Uh, you decide….

Carl, NO YOU DIDN’T! We expected more from an Olympic gold medalist!

But at least he…can…sing?

WOW. Again. Well, he at least he was really, really, REALLY FAST!

Moving on, the ShamWow guy? Really??

MMMM, Snuggie!

You’ve probably heard by now, but the ShamWow guy Vince Offer (or his real name, Vince Shlomi?)…yeah, he’s in a little hot water…like, I-beat-up-a-hooker trouble. It’s true. We will never condone violence against women around here, obviously. But wow, Vince, what a stupid move. Turns out he hired this prostitute, then failed to pay full price for services rendered. So she bit him, right in the mouth. You’d think with all that BIG ShamWow money and the way America loves celebrities that he could get some for free? Or at least a higher class lady of the evening, you know, who doesn’t bite you when you decide you aren’t going to pay for services rendered?

So THAT’s what it looks like when you get bit in the face by a hooker…..Got it.

And somewhere, this man’s heart grew three sizes the day of the ShamWow guy’s news…

TV Pitchman Billy Mays 1, TV Pitchman ShamWow Guy ZERO. The war continues.

Finally, feeling depressed? Feeling like nobody really “gets you”? Economy got you down in the dumps? Struggling with some sort of personal matter and just need a pick-me-up? Well, WE’RE ON YOUR SIDE:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksgf_rPjSVQ&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b

All for just $24.95! HOORAY FOR YOU!

ENJOY YOUR TUESDAY, and GO COUGS!