USC North or USC NOT?

Well, sports fans. The UW has finally completed its off-season mission of trying to become USC North.

Funny, when I was a wee lad watching Spider Gaines and Warren Moon down the big condoms, I thought the goal of UW was to BEAT USC, not become them.

Thankfully, these recent hires and developments by the Defeateds on behalf of the Defeateds have ensured that UW will neither beat nor become USC anytime in the near future. Here’s why:

First and foremost: UW HAS NONE OF THE THINGS THAT CURRENTLY MAKE USC THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL MAGNET IT IS TODAY.

Need proof of this claim? How about a quick run-down of the primary attributes of the Football Program at the University of Southern California.

1) In case you didn’t know, USC is located right outside of the Hood in Los Angeles, California. This location makes USC the lifelong dream of every kid who grows up in an Urban locale anywhere in Southern California–one of the top 4 recruiting hot beds in the country. Moreover, USC’s location near Hollywood and its relationship to several celebrity alumni make it attractive to kids all over the country that want 15 minutes or more of fame.

Last time I checked, Washington was not located in Southern California.

2) USC has FIVE DECADES of National Stature. Yep, a half century. USC was great in the 60’s, great in the 70’s, great in the 80’s, pretty darn good in the 90’s, and record breaking in the past decade. Washington was really good in the early 80’s, great in the early 90’s, and had one good year this decade. If this were a boxing match, let’s call it a 3rd round TKO in favor of SC.

3) USC is Heisman Central. You wanna win a Heisman? Go to SC. You wanna go to New York? Go to Washington State.

Last I checked, the Huskies have sent NO ONE to New York even when they were great. So, if you want to strike a pose

you go to SC. Period.

4) Four and Five Star recruits go to warm weather–or they go to Ohio State. Its really that simple. Since scholarships have been reduced, warm weather teams have overwhelmingly been in National Championship games as well as the top 5. Sure there have been exceptions, but like home buying, its all about location, location, location. And Montlake sure ain’t what it used to be.

5) USC motivates by both fun and fear. Everyone knows that Pete Carroll’s enthusiasm is nothing short of infectious. Hell, I want to play for USC when I watch them play and I’ve grown up hating them my whole life. But the other factor that makes USC great are their famous OPEN WEDNESDAYS. Yep, every Wednesday, the whole team of 5 star parade All Americans strap it on to determine who starts EACH WEEK.

You wanna cool those bandits down a bit? How about putting each player’s job on the line every stinking week! And you know what? Each player knows that the staff means business because SC WILL WIN with you or without you. Its plain. Its simple.

And its PROVEN.

Which brings us back to the little Defeateds.

You wanna know what it takes to re-build a last place program (which it IS by record for this decade) into an upper division team?

It takes development. It takes recruiting 2 star kids and making them 3 star kids. It takes recruiting 2 and 3 star kids and making them into NFL players.

And you know how you do that? The EXACT way that Coach Paul is doing it with our program right now.

You go on the road, you build air tight relationships with high school and community college programs, and you build the darn thing up brick, by brick, by brick. And as we know, it is a slow and VERY painful process.

Yep, the key for the UW’s fortunes in this coaching cycle was to hire a builder.

Instead, they got his opposite.

Case in point:

Let’s take a look at their newest hire:

In addition to setting a record for the most “awesomes” ever recorded in one press conference as he did yesterday, the former lead singer of Midnight Oil also

talked about his preference for having full contact drills each practice for the entire season next year. Really? Think that’ll work with the bodies they’ve got on that winless roster of theirs?

Last time I checked, when teams that are not 17 deep and try to do that kind of stuff, they wind up having nationally publicized try outs for quarterback at Week Six of the season. Moreover, the last time that tricky Nicky was charged with a development project, it didn’t work out so well did it? (although his dome sure was perfect for the University of Spud Hub, no?)

So, in a nutshell, when you try to make Walter Matthau

into Brad Pitt

you run the risk of getting a really ugly outcome:

And such is the case with the Defeateds. They shot for the stars and got a constellation of White Dwarfs.

So, watch the recruiting wires in the coming months and years: If this group can’t land 4-5 star guys in the next two, then this is a train wreck just waiting to happen.

And I for one am looking forward to Episode I of that sixteen car crash around the week of November 22nd next year.

Nice job of keeping alive your current streak of wonderfully bad coaching decisions.

Losers.