This week has been a busy week for the Minnesota Vikings, including cleaning out their lockers and not playing in the playoffs. Again. But that doesn’t mean everything is casual readings of Kerouac and hand holding sessions. Some people on the Vikings team actually have to work year-round.

That includes the Minnesota front office, who has been busy signing players to future contracts, meaning, they’ll sign them to play in the future to contracts that aren’t made now, but will be made in the future. How do they know when then will be now? Because they already own the direct-to-home NFL contracts, a new development in NFL entertainment. Cutting edge stuff.

So who did we sign? Check out these big names:

CHIGBO ANUNOBY

Chigbo is a no-no when it comes to bobos trying to pass. Anunoby? More like a Sum-body! Chigbo is 76” long, and weighs over 324 pounds of man meat. Guesses on what he looks like without his shirt? Narwahl. He’s been in the league for two years, and has played with the Colts (Andrew Luck), Redskins (RG3), and Titans (Nevermind). So, he only goes to teams that have awesome quarterbacks, which bodes well for the Vikings and Teddy Bridgewater’s future, trust me.

LEON MACKEY

Leon went to Texas Tech, the university in the state of Texas that is for drop outs and failures. He’s played for the Dolphins, Arizona Rattlers, and has valuable playoff experience in the Arena Football League. You can’t teach that kind of success.

Clearly, with the addition of these defensive players, Coach Zimmer will turn them into All-Pros and we’ll fire Brian Robison for not being sacky enough, and plug in any guy we want and win all the games. Basically, what I’m saying is that if you were to be putting money on things like betting when and if the Vikings could get to the Super Bowl thanks to these two signings. Clearly, you should put all your money on the Vikings for 2015. I’m looking forward to it.