This week, the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission and the Minnesota Vikings have reached an icy impasse on the future of the franchise. The MSFC had passed a proposal on Tuesday that they presented to the Vikings that would provide revenue relief to the team upon a lease renewal to stay in the current Metrodome. The Viking were appalled and shocked by this proposal, however, after they have repeatedly informed both the MSFC and the state legislature that the current stadium set up would prevent the Vikings from becoming competitive in the NFL market. The Vikings wrote back to the MSFC stating their displeasure while also drawing into serious question the future of the Vikings in Minnesota when an alleged stadium partner in the MSFC has facetiously proposed such an agreement. Today, members of the MSFC subcommittee will meet to discuss a new proposal for the Vikings, and PJD has EXCLUSIVE access to those discussions. Read on to see what happened …
Roy Terwilliger, Chair of the MSFC: Ok, everyone settle down. Thank you for coming today to this important meeting with the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission. As you know, the recent proposal that we presented to the Minnesota Vikings considering a lease renewal was received rather brusquely and we find ourselves in a very precarious position relationship wise with our lone Metrodome tenant, as I warned many of you that we would. I’ve also warned many of you, time and time again, that as much as you try, you cannot out fox a man like Wilf. He will eat you alive. I’ve met him. It’s intimidating. Loanne, could you expand on the Wilf’s, so that the subcommittee knows exactly who we are dealing with?
Loanne Thrane, Vice Chair: Certainly. The Wilf family comes from a long line of brilliant land barons, which may explain why they went so hard after Brett Favre in the offseason. As an East Coast resident, he does business in a cut throat manner, pulling influences from Jersey mob bosses and gangster moguls like Jay-Z. Zygi is a slippery snake, as is his brother. A proposal focused just on miniscule money security won’t peak his interest. We’ll have to be smarter if we want to discover a plan that will entice him and his family.
RY: Very insightful, Loanne, thanks. So please, everyone, let’s have a serious conversation today and decide what we want to do with our counter proposal, and hopefully, one that isn’t a slap in the face, ok? Charles, let’s get us started. What are your thoughts?
Charles Lutz: Hell yeah, I’ll give you my thoughts! This Zygi Wilf is a money grubbing bastard! The Sports Commission has been trying to work with the Vikings nonstop on this damn thing, and they’ve been finger fucking themselves at the legislature for 11 fucking years now! Enough! We came to them with a proposal that, while not ideal, was still better than any $800 Billion dollar abortion proposal that they’ve come up with! As smart as Wilf thinks he is, he’s also a prick for not ponying up more of his cash to put towards a stadium that his penny pinching family will reap the benefits of for years! And what does Minneapolis get? A swollen asshole, that’s what! DAMN THESE JEWS!!
RY: Whoa, whoa, Charles, come on. Let’s take a breather here. I hear what you’re saying, but he’s not budging on offering more money. So we have to ask ourselves, what can we offer to Wilf to make the deal to stay in the Dome more attractive? Paul, what do you think?
Paul Rexford Thatcher: MmmMMMMmmm! I think we should offer him an indubitable fish and chips basket from Brit’s Pub and Eating Establishment. Perhaps then we could bocce ball for the unquestioned ownership of the Vikings American Football Team and the future of the stadium, I do say!
RY: What the fuck is wrong with you? That is the dumbest idea ever. Starting now, you never get to vote on anything to do with anything ever again. Tim, please, dear god, do you have any idea of what we could offer the Wilf’s to have them at least look at our proposal? If the Vikings jump ship on the Dome site, we’re all out of jobs. What do you got?
Timothy Rose: You know, I’m hearing a lot of doubt and concern around this table from people thinking that this one family can outsmart a group of old foxes like us. I mean, look around. Loanne, didn’t you once trick Red McCombs into selling the team by promising to let him lick your snatch blindfolded, and then you just gave him a roast beef sandwich with spicy Dijon on it instead?
LT: Why, yes I did. And now we’re dealing with Wilf.
TR: That’s true, but Paul, didn’t you once convinced a much more influential person to take a dangerous route while going home in Paris so that you could become famous over the news, may God bless that Princesses soul?
PRT: Indeed, I did, good sire! But let’s not speak of such foibles publicly, shall we? Mhm!
TR: God you’re fucking weird. And Charles, didn’t you convince Norm Coleman to concede defeat to Franken so that we could get a pussy democrat in office that would focus more on jokes than the money we were stealing form the city under the table?
CL: Fuck yeah I did, although it won’t matter if we don’t get this stadium resolved. Then I won’t have income to pay for my fucking Guido Beach club house! FUCK!
RY: Calm down, you douche bag. Go on Tim.
TR: Look, all I’m saying is that we have some smart people here too. We just have to figure out what Zygi Wilf and his family really wants. We’ve been trying to appeal to his wallet, to the revenue he’d generate by agreeing to this new deal. But this guy is old as shit and has more money locked away in a vault than Scrooge McDuck! He doesn’t care about revenue. He just wants a new stadium. And I say we agree to chip in on it and work the legislature for him to make sure he gets it.
RY: I’m not following. Why would we do that?
TR: Because we get to build it. Everyone knows that Wilf hates the Metrodome because of the Nazi Swastika on the Teflon roof inside. We tell him, ok, Zygi, let’s take this thing down. Burn the Dome to its foundation, and on it’s site, build a massive football cathedral for the Vikings shaped like a dreidel that will honor both the mastermind that is Zygi, his family heritage, and the Vikings. He’ll agree to this because his hubris is larger than Shiancoe’s dong. But here’s where we get the last laugh and where we leave our legacy. You think you’re smarter than this subcommittee Wilf? I bet you didn’t anticipate us replacing the Swastika on the new retractable roof of your stadium did you? So now anyone flying over it will see how evil and twisted Wilf is, and he won’t be able to do anything about it until we’ve all taken the money and flown to Mexico.
CL: Yeah! And then during the first game in the stadium we’ll come down Washington Avenue like a Nazi army party and burn the new place down, killing everyone inside and find out where Zygi’s secret money vault is and raid that too! We’ll call it the NaziDome Invation! Storming the NaziDome beach! Nazi War Three! IT’S GOING TO BE FUCKING AWESOME!
TR: Uh … I guess I’m not sure about that. But, Roy, what do you say about my idea?
RY: …. Shit yeah. Let’s write this thing up.
A resounding approval passes the bill, and the MSFC moves forward with their proposal.
To Be Continued …
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