“Ok everyone, let’s take a step back and lower the flag for a moment. We need to have a meeting of the heads. It’s not like I don’t get it here. I was in the Metrodome with everyone else last Sunday after Favre had just thrown his fourth touchdown pass of the day, and we were grinding the Seahawks 28 – 3. It was looking good, real good, and the fans were really appreciating it, so they started hooting and hollering and slobbering down to us players. And sure, I understand that the flashy, big money shot guys like Favre and Purple Jesus are probably going to get more accolades than the longest guy out there on the field, but football is a tag team sport. And while the Pro Bowl let’s the fans indulge in their popularity voting contest, we need to keep in mind that the league specific awards, like defensive player of the year, rookie of the year, and most importantly MVP, should be taken very seriously. Just look at the girthy history of these awards and you can get a sense of the historic importance which these awards carry. “Which is why I’d like to offer my name into the ring of MVP candidates.” 
“I don’t promote myself for candidacy with flaccid appeal. I am at attention about this MVP vote, and I think I, Visanthe Shiancoe of the Minnesota Vikings, am very deserving of this award in 2009. I’m no cock, either. I realize that the award has been handed out to mostly quarterbacks and running backs for the entire existence of the award. Sure, they may be some of the flashiest players on the field, but I have a hard time believing that these players have been the MVP year in and year out. I call shenanigans on the AP voters for not having the gall to really look longingly at these players and their assets to the league, perhaps even doing a side by side comparison, to figure out who has the MVP. In history, I think the only deserving award was when Alan Page won in ’71 or when Lawrence Taylor won in ’86. Now, those were some big dudes! But really, I think a side by side comparison between them and Peyton Manning or Drew Brees would shrink any possibility of these guys being 2009 MVP. I mean, come on, they’re white guys! “I think making a case for me receiving the trophy erection is pretty simple. My on the field numbers look great, and I’ve had no foibles or boners to speak of! We’re a little over halfway through the season and I have already scored seven times, which matches my total from last year, with 324 yards. Sure, you may think the yardage isn’t that sexy of a stat, but naysayers are overlooking what the hypnotizing effect my play has on the rest of the team. Did you see ’s touchdown on Sunday? You saw how I ran a quick route into the endzone and had three defenders wrapped all over me? Yeah, they were that afraid that I was going to be the go to guy, like I usually am, and score big again. It’s simple. I change the way a defense has to play our offense, perhaps more than any other player. Sure, PJ runs hard down people’s throats, but if he hasn’t won MVP the past two years, I don’t think he’s going to be a contender this year. He hasn’t grown that much, especially where it counts. And yeah, Favre is having a great year for an old man, but he’s got wrinkly balls. You’re going to give the MVP to a man that brings wrinkly balls home with him? You must be pulling my chain. “No, it is quite clear that the only real candidate for MVP in 2009 is me, Visanthe Shiancoe. One of the better endowed receivers on one of the better teams that causes blue balls for defensive coordinators everywhere. The answer is simple, AP voters, the number is 81, and this here dick is probably the largest and most fantastic you’ve ever seen.” 
“… Wait, what? It stands for Most Valuable Player? Oh. … Well, no, voting for me probably wouldn’t make much sense then. Favre is a good choice. I thought we were talking about something … else. Nevermind”
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
