Warcraft Wednesdays: How Not to Be a Douche Pickle in Video Games and on the Football Field

Minnesota Vikings punter and favorite local video game nerd (sorry, Meagan Marie), Chris Kluwe, dropped another recent guest article over at GameTrailers.com, a website which I believe offers much more on video games than just video game trailers. He has appeared again in a sub-article category called “Side Mission” where he espouses on a variety of different video game related topics. Last time we checked, he was offering his sage knowledge on hardcore gamers versus casual nerds. This time, he’s giving some simple rules to live by for those who play online multiplayer games.

Now, hear me out … Yes, it’s a bunch of weird stuff that I don’t really get because I don’t play MMOs. On the other hand, the rules he offers are also pretty applicable to being a good team mate on the football field, something us imbeciles understand (at least in theory) a bit better. Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty to “translate” these tips of Kluwe’s for the less-informed crowd so that we all understand what Kluwe was saying, but more importantly, understand how not to be a “douchpickle.”

Kluwe offers four main tips for MMO etiquette. These main tips are easily applicable to football players as well. Let’s start off with an example:

The essence here is that, when creating a character in an online video game, try to make it a proper reflection of yourself as your name will say a lot about you as a person and/or team mate. Now, think to football players and the numbers they choose. Purple Jesus picks number 28 because it’s a strong number, even, looks good on a jersey, and reflects his football success in high school and college, as he also wore that number in both of those locations. Now, Jared Allen? #69? OK, we get it. Good joke. Reeeaaaalll mature, fella.

Tip Two for online playing is multifaceted. What it essentially breaks down to though, is let a person do their job. Respect their goals, help them out if needed, but don’t try to steal their thunder, their awards, or act petty while they are working hard. Obviously, this has been a major problem with the Vikings team the past two years as most players are not willing to put in the work to be successful, but rather want to ride on the coat tails of Purple Jesus, Your Highness Harvin, and Kluwe to another NFC Championship game. Truth is though, the team will never get back to that spot unless each player does their individual task at hand. Charlie Johnson, block that pass rusher, you lardo. Chris Cook, stop choking women and defend a pass. Chad Greenway, get inspired by a little Sandusky play and stuff that A-gap. It’s that easy. When everyone does their job, the unit as a whole succeeds.

For Kluwe, the idea behind group play online is very similar to team play on the field. Like Tip Two, Tip Three here also has many dimensions to the rule. In both cases, what it essentially comes down to is that you are now playing a team game. While you definitely need to complete your own individual tasks, you also need to understand the larger goals as a unit. To achieve them, open your god damn mouth and tell Jamarca Sanford that you think you have help over the top on a pass play. Let Kevin Williams know that you’re dropping back into coverage on an audible call. Keeping these open lines of communication (even admitting that you have no idea what’s going on, ASHER) is OK! It actually will help the team! Which reflects the final piece of Tip Three; never break formation. Have your partner’s back and stay close together, and everything will be fine.

You know what, I have no idea what this one is about. Player versus player? The only hint Kluwe gives in his article is it’s “similar to the rule for avoiding an STD.” This, of course, must mean “don’t have sex with Greg Camarillo in the shower.” But that rule is pretty self explanatory.

So really, whether you understand the online video game angle of Kluwe’s article or not, there are still many good life lessons to be taken away from the post. Also, he uses colorful language like “penisbeaks” and “SirBluntzalot421.” That must be Harvin’s online moniker. *zing!*