We read Bill Simmons, so you don’t have to

Bill Simmons shreds Danny Ainge is his latest column on Grantland. He claims Danny hasn't made a "good move" in 4 years (P.J. Brown). The column is written as the transcript of an anniversary party hosted by Glenn Ordway with several guests. 

Here are some excerpts:

Ordway: "Unfortunately, it's been slim pickings for Celtics fans ever since. You drafted poorly; you signed a slew of washed-up veterans; your biggest trade completely backfired; you haven't uncovered a single gem; and you've managed to piss off all the starters on your team by repeatedly throwing them into trade talks, then ADMITTING IT PUBLICLY while calling these players old. It's been quite a run. Let's bring out two of those lousy signings right now … ladies and gentlemen, Keyon Dooling and Chris Wilcox!"

Dooling: "Danny, you could have signed reliable bench players like Kurt Thomas, Reggie Evans, Shannon Brown, Earl Watson, Mike Dunleavy — "

Wilcox: "Or, you could have waited and held your free-agent exceptions for a chance at Kenyon Martin, J.R. Smith or maybe even Aaron Brooks.

I was surpised that Danny spent $3 million on Wilcox, but at least we understand the logic. Wilcox is an athlete who thrives when paired with Rajon Rondo. As for Kurt Thomas, Reggie Evans and zzzzz…. 

I'm 100% confident Celtics bloggers, fans and Simmons would have skewered Ainge if he held the free-agent exceptions for signings in March. The Celtics needed bench help IMMEDIATELY.

Not surprisingly, Simmons glosses over the Glen Davis for Brandon Bass heist. 

But wait, there's more:

(Sam) Presti: "If you want to improve this year's team, turn your expiring contracts — KG, Ray, Chris, Keyon and Jermaine — into better players and don't worry about cap space. For instance, let's say you offered KG's expiring contract to Dallas for Shawn Marion and Lamar Odom — Cuban might jump at that because he's desperately trying to clear money for Dwight and Deron this summer. He needs to dump Marion's deal to do it. That's why you see him on Twitter pimping Marion to boost his trade value — it's comical. Turn KG into Odom and Marion and you're better right away — Marion is still one of the league's best defensive players. Plus, you'd save about $4 million in tax money."

Presti: "Anyway, offer them Rondo and Jermaine O'Neal's expiring for Gasol, a deal which saves them $24 million in tax money these next three years. I can't imagine them turning it down. You'd need a point guard, too, so offer Ray to the Clippers for Mo Williams and Eric Bledsoe. They desperately need a two-guard; they might be dumb enough to say yes. If they turn it down, settle on Mo and a future first for Ray, if only because it's always good to own two first-rounders from the league's most jinxed franchise. Mo's contract expires next year, and you can always re-sign Ray this summer."

Presti: "Look at your new team — Gasol, Brandon Bass, Marion, Pierce and Mo Williams as starters, with Odom, Wilcox, Pietrus and Bradley as your first four subs. If Gasol and Odom get going, that's a dangerous 6-seed in the East, right?"

Wow. These scenarios are what I'd expect from a Bleacher Report blogger or a 10-year old fan. 

Has Simmons watched Odom play this year? Absolutely nothing suggests LO would be happier in Boston.

A starting line-up with Paul Pierce and Shawn Marion would force one of them to play 2-guard, a position neither is quick enough to do defensively.

But my favorite is Mo Williams. Mo-freakin-Williams. A gunner in a point guard body who is shooting 43%. 

Is there anyone who doesn't believe Simmons revamped Celtics roster would lead to horrible results? Danny Ainge has been far from perfect, but to criticize and then offer up these alternatives is laughable.