Though the Bruins are out of the playoffs as of last night, they face a much bigger challenge. The Hunger Games have come to Boston and during the Reaping, all of the Bruins players were named as players and shuffled into Districts by yours truly. Who will survive? How will everyone die? How long will Shit Bidet last? These answers and more as we begin the first Boston Bruins Hunger Games!
The Cornucopia
Let’s begin by introducing our players:
The tributes stand on their pedestals, awaiting the horn to sound to open the games. Everyone is nervous, scared and in Milan Lucic’s case really ridiculously hungry. Adam McQuaid stares out across the circle, meeting the eyes of his former team mates, now rivals in a battle to the death. Suddenly, the horn sounds and the games begin!
Everyone has the choice to grab supplies from the cornucopia before fleeing into the woods and a few take that option. Others though, opt to not bother with the cornucopia, choosing to run into the forest without supplies in an effort to miss the bloodbath that ensues. Kevan Miller probably should have opted to go with the second route rather than the first, as he is the first player to die.
As the players scramble to get away from the cornucopia, a second loss comes in the form of Gregory Campbell.
ShitBidet can’t find the net, but he sure as shit can find a landmine! BOOM! Bye bye ShitBidet!
Day One
As the players start to get a grip of their new surroundings, another tragedy happens as David Pastrnak, fan favorite, eats poisonous berries when the adults around him had their backs turned. Sadly, we bid farewell to that Precious Angel Child as he slips into death.
Some players are starting to work together to hunt down and kill their opposition. Others are choosing to set up camp and are receiving items from their unknown sponsors. Some are injuring themselves.
Before night falls, a cannon booms loudly in the distance announcing the deaths of Miller, ShitBidet and Pastrnak. The remaining tributes are sad inside for the loss but are gathering their nerves to keep playing and the viewers weep openly in the streets for the loss of young Pastrnak.
Overnight the remaining Bruins players try to make the best of the situation but some of them fail miserably at keeping upbeat about things.
Poor Lucic. You’ll be dead soon most likely. Cause? Malnutrition.
About time you thought of winning, Bart. About damn time.
Day Two
Day two starts off with not much happening for our tributes.
I was half expecting Dan Paille to fall in the river and be the next casualty, but no. Tuukka Rask had that honor.
There were a couple more deaths on day two and Dennis the Menace, true to his name and nature, constructed a sling shot!
Krejci wasn’t smart and fell for the same berries that got young Pastrnak. Dougie Hamilton stumbled into a trap laid by Maxime Talbot and died a bloody death. The cannon booms three times at the end of the day marking the deaths of them both, plus Tuukka Rask who, while he can see a puck coming from a great distance, managed to fall into a giant hole on the ground and die.
The night of day two appeared to be going well for the tributes, except for Marchand who chirped himself into exhaustion and Kelly who stumbled into his linemate’s trap and died a violent death. Spooner and Smith spent their time holding hands and whispering secrets to each other while Paille, who did not fall into the river and die, hums Canadian folk tunes to himself quietly.
Bergeron was exhausted from being the only one to actually do useful things (what? you’re surprised?) like practice archery and make a campfire, and passed out. Also that night, Chara viciously killed three tributes, Talbot, Loui and Bartkowski, with an explosive device because that’s what good captains do. I wonder how long Big Zee will last?
Viewers, we’ve had another death! Even though this is not Oregon Trail, Dan Paille has managed to die of dysentery. He will be buried with all his oxen and his pickaxe.
Overnight, there are no more deaths as the tributes settle down and rest their weary heads. For some reason, lots of singing happens tonight including a rousing rendition of “Baby Got Back” by Connolly, Spooner and Bergeron.
Day Three
Nothing happens.
Day Four
First thing in the morning a fight breaks out between Lucic, Soderberg and Svedberg. Lucic was trying to fit in and change his name to Lucicberg and the other real “Bergs” protested. Lucic promptly killed them both and then ate them for fuel.
Krug dies a cold and sad death. Marchand decides that he can’t handle having another bromance end and soon follows suit.
Day 5: The Feast
All of the tributes have been invited to the cornucopia for a feast and to receive messages from their loved ones. That doesn’t mean that the game pauses. Oh no, not at all! The feast slowly morphs into a bloodbath of epic proportions and more lives are lost.
After the feast, I decided to check in with the tribute board and see who was left over. Who among these few souls will be the winner of the Bruins Hunger Games?
Later that night, Zach Trotman (eager for a roster spot and not fully understanding the difference between forwards and defense) tracks down Ryan Spooner and kills him. Dennis Seidenberg somehow has a trident now (?) and straight up shanks Smith in the back with it.
Day 6. Day 7.
Nothing of note happens as the remaining four tributes (McQuaid, Chara, Trotman and Seidenberg) gear up and rest before setting out to end this game.
Day Eight
The day opens with a fight among the tributes. McQuaid is merciful and spares Seidenberg’s life, but Chara is all “Fuck that noise, this is Hunger Games bitch!” and kills Trotman.
McQuaid finally gives in to the urge to kill and rids the world of Dennis Seidenberg. Chara decides that he’s not quite tall enough and tries to climb a tree but he fails miserably and ends up taking himself out of the game.
Which means that:
The Winner
The Winner of the Boston Bruins Hunger Games and sole survivor is ADAM MCQUAID somehow.
McQuaid made it through on sheer grit, heart, willpower and intensity! He is a paragon of everything the Boston Bruins adore so it’s only fitting that he stands triumphant at the end of the games. As he emerges from the arena he is greeted by Peter Chiarelli who hands him an 8 year contract with a value of $8M per year. Claude Julien stands by, silently weeping for the loss of his team, but he embraces McQuaid and hands him a jersey with a big “C” emblazoned on the front.
McQuaid is tired and sad and hungry. He smiles sheepishly at the camera before Gary Bettman orders him to be rushed off into the waiting limousine. His new life will be very different now that he has won the Hunger Games. He will be forced to go Bettman’s bidding and promote the games far and wide to every NHL team. McQuaid is unsure how he feels about this, but figures he can always injure himself and get put on LTIR if he can’t handle it anymore.
Farewell readers and may the odds be ever in your favor.
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