Big time news in the future of the NFC North yesterday, as both Brian Robison and The Cutlereses are bringing babies into the world! Brian Robison shared a picture of his new bundle of one-day-teenage-hormones on Twitter, Madelyn Mae Robison (a surprisingly acceptable name), while Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler announced to People magazine (and thus Deadspin) that the two love birds blame on destroying her hot body so Jay Cutler can pass his diabetes on to an undeserving child.
And we all know what this sets up, 22 years from now … A BATTLE OF NFC NORTH BABIES! WHO YA GOT?!
Image is an exact artist rendering.
Here’s how this works. We present to you several rankable categories for each child, where they compete against each other head-to-head. The competition is simple. Whoever ends up with the most points overall awarded per category win, is the hands-down better baby, we already know, no need to have yours, Jay. We present to you only the FACTS, and let you decide on your own which new- or unborn-child is better, for the purpose of science. We await your response in the comments.
| Baby Robison | WHO YA GOT?! | Cutler-Rash |
| Madelyn Mae Robison | Name (or predicted name) | Juniper Sweatshirt Cutler-Cavallari |
| Burly woman | Gender | Bi-transgender-emale |
| University of Texas as a four star recruit | Expected university attendance | Vander-sulk University |
| Kicker (she’s a girl, come on) | Future NFL position | Casual fan wearing a scarf in the lower level |
| Ground up Chicago Dogs | Favorite baby food | Purified chocolate frosting with crushed Skittle sprinkles |
| Purple Jesus Jr. | Best friend growing up | No one *FOREVER ALONE* |
| Genghis Khan | Childhood hero | Godparents Heidi and Spencer Pratt |
| “Sack!” | First words | “Whatever!” |
| Crib of nails and straw (Builds character) | As a baby, sleeps on … | 600 thread count sheets on a king-sized mattress, tucked in my Francesca, the Peruvian maid who watches over Juniper at all times |
| The Crotch Kick | Go-to self defense move | The Fetal Position |
So? WHO YA GOT?!
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