Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys
Who: The Chicago Bears vs. The Indianapolis Colts.
What: Week 5 of the 2016 NFL season. It’s week 5 already? Slow down, football season.
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, October 9. We finally get a normal game time and get stuck with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in the process. I’m not sure who’s getting punished more, us for having these two on the call or them for having to call this game. It’s closer than you might think. Anyway, for other games you can check your listings here.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. Let’s keep it real.
In case you missed it, Chuck Pagano was in prime Chuck form during Wednesday’s press conference. There was an expletive or two, a trademark “stick to the process,” and my favorite, “let’s keep it real.” Forget about how the team is sucking our souls out with its bad play the team is playing, when Chuck is in this kind of form, I’m here for it every single time. The exaggerated, impatient body language. The wickedly sarcastic smile. The rapid fire answers often drenched with Paganoisms. It can be a glorious sight.
Things don’t start well on Sunday. The offense looks out of sync for the entire first half against a banged up Bears defense who has no semblance of a pass rush. Trailing 13-0 and facing a 4th and 1, the Colts go for it, but everything goes wrong. The Bears bring a blitz from their right side, completely fooling Anthony Castonzo. Three defenders are in Luck’s face almost immediately, but he manages to evade them and swing a pass out to a wide open Josh Ferguson. The ball hits Ferguson right in the hands, but he can’t control it. It hangs in the air before Frank Gore (a week later, Pagano will chide the media during his press conference by exclaiming “See?!?! Gore was in the game!”) snags it. Gore corrals the ball for a brief moment before he too loses control. The ball pops towards Dwayne Allen standing in first down territory, but he can’t catch it either. New Bears LB Jerrell Freeman picks off the thrice-dropped pass and takes it to the house. As he nears the end zone, Freeman flips off the box where Ryan Grigson is sitting. Unfortunately, due to threat of fine, no NFL social media accounts report it.
At halftime, while Chuck is in the middle of reminding his charges to stick to the process, to keep choppin’ and keep grindin’ (“You should see the deals Home Depot has on grinders right now!!” he exclaims), Jim Irsay enters the locker room.
“Chuck,” Irsay begins. “I know you’re busy right now, but you have a phone call…”
“Who the %#$ is it?!” screams Pagano. “I’m trying to keep it real right now!”
“Take it,” says Irsay.
“Yeah?” an obviously annoyed Pagano says into the phone.
“Hi, Coach Pagano? This is Peyton Manning. You might have saw where I have the TV package that lets you watch any game on any device…”
“Yeahhh.”
“….I’m kinda bored. Eli’s never home and my kids always want to watch cartoons instead, but I’ve been watching your offense and let’s keep it real: You have no idea what you’re doing.”
“Ok”
“I used to pencil you guys in for Tuesday because Eli always cancels, but I can’t even stand to look at you right now. Run the $%$$#$# uptempo offense, dummy. They can’t stop it. It’s the only way you can win.”
A visibly excited Irsay asks Pagano, “what did he want?”
“He was trying to sell me some sort of TV package that lets you watch any game on any device,” says Pagano, in full Chuck form.
As the team heads to the field, Pagano pulls Andrew Luck aside and says, “Uptempo. The entire half. I don’t care if it exhausts our porous defense.”
“Right on,” says Luck, a gleam in his eye.
Luck lights up the Bears in the second half, throwing for 310 yards and 4 TD’s.
When asked afterwards what he said to his team at halftime, a visibly agitated Pagano says, “let’s keep it real” before starting to exit the room.
2. Coach Peyton, defensive genius?
Early in the 4th quarter, the Colts are clinging to a 28-27 lead, but Chicago is on the move and threatening to take the lead.
As Pagano barks out orders to his defense, a familiar voice comes through his headset.
“Hi, Coach Pagano? This is Peyton Manning. You might have saw where I have the TV package that lets you watch any game on any device…”
“$#@#^#$, Peyton. Not now!” screams Pagano.
“….I’m kinda bored. Eli’s never home and my kids always want to watch cartoons instead, but I’ve been watching your defense here, and let’s keep it real: You guys couldn’t stop Stevie Wonder.”
“But I..”
“I used to pencil you guys in for Tuesday because Eli always cancels, but I can’t even stand to look at you right now. Line Geathers up in the box, then send him on a delayed blitz from the left side. There’s no way a dummy like Brian Hoyer will expect it. It’s the only way you can win.”
Suddenly, the voice of Jim Irsay appears in Pagano’s ear.
“What did he want?” Irsay excitedly asks.
“He was trying to sell me some sort of TV package that lets you watch any game on any device,” an annoyed Pagano replies.
On the ensuing snap, Geathers races in untouched. He levels Hoyer, knocking the ball loose, where it’s picked up by Kendall Langford. Langford rumbles 69 yards for what proves to be the game clinching score.
When asked afterwards about his blitz call, a visibly agitated Pagano says, “let’s keep it real. I said no more questions,” before quickly exiting.
3. Colts cheerleader Megan R.
Megan is in her 3rd season with the cheer squad. She likes crab legs, online shopping, and ice cream.
Anyway…
I’ve never had the pleasure of speaking with Megan before, but I’m fairly certain she agrees with everything I’ve said thus far in this post.
Who knows, maybe Peyton called her too.
How the Bears will win:
1. The author’s favorite bartender Shelley.
Shelley works at my favorite hangout spot. She’s always quick with a smile, and even quicker with a cold one. You can’t argue with that. One can argue with her choice of favorite football teams, however. She mistakenly likes both Notre Dame and the Bears. Gross. The last time I saw her, I told her she’d make this article if she could come up with some reasons why the Bears will win.
I’m not exactly sure where she got this from, if it was her son, or boyfriend, or husband, or her own words, but this is what she sent me:
“It’s what John Fox was hired to do do. A quick turnaround like he did with Carolina and Denver.”
Author’s note: I thought John Fox was just hired to sit on the ball in the 2013 AFCCG against the Ravens. Huh.
“You can’t birth a playoff by losing.”
Author’s note: Valid point, unless you’re 7-8-1 Carolina in 2014. I’m just saying there’s a chance.
“But honestly, if some of these players are still injured come game time, we may not stand a chance.”
Author’s note: Only if Coach Peyton has anything to say about it.
The best part of all of this is that I’ll have another cold one in my hands before she reads it.
Shelley’s the best.
2. Grigsoned
This post was done and scheduled to go when Ryan Grigson inadvertently decided it needed to be longer. I’m not going to link to what he said because by the time you read this, you’ll already know. Remember the Woody Harrelson movie “King Pin”? Harrelson plays bowler Roy Munson, who becomes so famous for blowing a match his last name becomes synonymous with failure. “I’d sooner get Munsoned out here in the middle of nowhere than lose face in front of my family and friends.” Munsoned. Grigsoned.
Late in the third quarter with the Bears leading 52-14, Grigson’s phone rings….
“Hi, Ryan Grigson? This is Peyton Manning. You might have saw where I have the TV pack-”
“Oh no you don’t, Manning. I already have that TV package, and it costs way too much money. I can’t build a defense paying for it.”
“-age that lets you watch any game on any device..”
“Is this some sort of recording?!?”
“….I’m kinda bored. Eli’s never home and my kids always want to watch cartoons instead, but I’ve been poring over your roster here, and let’s keep it real: You suck. I’d sooner get Grigsoned out here in the middle of nowhere than watch your team and lose face in front of family and friends.”
“I CAN’T BUILD A DEFENSE BECAUSE I’M PAYING ANDREW LUCK TOO MUCH MONEY!!!!”
An excited Jim Irsay comes over. “What did he want?”
“It was a prank call. Some guy claiming to be Trent Richardson says he can play inside linebacker for us. I told him we’d sign him tomorrow.”
If Peyton manages to get through: Colts 35, Bears 27.
If the Colts get Grigsoned out in the middle of Lucas Oil Stadium: Bears 77, Colts 28.
If Shelley trusts the birthing process: Bears 24, Colts 21.
If we keep it real: Coach Peyton is right.
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